Vent…

Rose113

I try so hard to be who people want me to be, the person I’m needed to be but I’m not no matter how hard I try. I’m lost and I’m empty. I’ve always been a problem, I suppose I was always the problem not the people that hurt me. I guess it was always my fault because people only have a motive and a reason for why they do bad things so I suppose I was that reason. It doesn’t matter what anyone says to me or maybe it does, I don’t know.

I need it all to stop, everything, the pain, the expectation, people, life. Everyday, all I think about is *can’t say word* because that’s what I deserve, the punishment for everything that has ever gone wrong. It’s all just one thing after another but it always leads back to one thing. My worth, my life; most important of all…

Who. I. Am.

I feel ashamed of who I am, like who hated me enough to give me this life, who didn’t like me even before I was born or did people take one look at me and think “ewww she’s disgusting, she’s a pig, she’s worthless”

People say they want to protect me, to keep me safe but it’s all a load of crap isn’t it, what is care, what is love. I certainly don’t know what it is, I never have

Sometimes, I get this urge to scream out my personal details and beg for just one person to help me, to find a way to fix me

Im not meant to be in this world, I don’t belong in this world

I suppose I could say similar to the abuse and neglect that I went through, you become so adjusted and familiar with the guilt and shame that it’s gives you, maybe it’s like survivors guilt?

You don’t ever really get over it you just learn to shove it away and suffer in silence to avoid the shame of those around you when you relive it all or even just struggle

Like the *bleep word* I learnt to accept that to, that it was my fault for letting them happen, I probably did something to make them want to. To give them a motif for there actions because it’s my fault

Its always been my fault

briannat

Hello @Rose113 I've been where you've been. I can't say exactly the same situation because we're two different people but feeling like you don't belong in this world is awful, and I'm sorry you're going through so much pain right now. You don't deserve any of it at all. What you do deserve is to be treated with kindness, respect and understanding. I'm glad you're using this space to vent, I'm sure there are others on here who see these words and can relate to them. Keep fighting please, take breaks when you need, vent when you need, but remember staying alive is the biggest thing. Your existence matters.