locked inside myself

Lottie5433

Lately, it feels like I’ve locked myself in a fortress I’ve built inside my mind. Every thought, every feeling is packed into a box, buried deep where no one can reach it. It’s my way of staying safe—of not letting anyone see the cracks, the mess, the truth. Vulnerability feels like an invasion, and every time I’ve tried to open up in the past, I’ve been met with invalidation, with silence, with nothing. So, what’s the point? It’s easier this way, keeping everything to myself. No risk of being misunderstood, no fear of being hurt. But also, no hope for anything to get better.

If I’m honest, I feel like I’m just wasting everyone’s time. Nothing works. Nothing changes. My therapist’s support is running out soon, and I don’t even know how to bring this up without feeling like it’s all too late anyway. My GP only offers medication, but that feels like a risk I’m not sure I can take. My history makes that option complicated, dangerous even.

And yet, here I am. I didn’t think I’d make it this far into the year. It’s been one of the hardest times of my life, and I’ve hidden every inch of it. I don’t want to worry anyone else. I don’t even believe I can be helped. So I put on the mask, I smile, I go through the motions, but deep down I’m asking myself: Why am I still here? And would it even matter if I wasn’t?

If I could rewind time, I’d go back to when I didn’t exist. When none of this heaviness was mine to carry. When the world didn’t have to feel this suffocating, and I didn’t have to feel like this—a ghost in my own life, unseen, unheard, unnoticed.

Sian321

@Lottie5433 , thank you so much for letting us in like this. You described how it feels to be living inside this fortress in your mind, hiding every inch of your pain and burying it deep down. And I don't take it for granted at all that you're showing us behind the walls here, and taking a risk in opening up We hear you, and I'm listening.

I can really hear your dilemma right now - how on the one hand this fortress has been a vital part of keeping safe, of protecting yourself from the bitter dissapointment of people not properly listening or holding you. But then on the other hand, it also makes it hard to hope, hard to us others in. That makes so much sense, and I really felt it when you described vulnerability as feeling like an invasion sometimes. I hear how scary that might be, how it feels almost violating, to allow someone in beyond the walls and to run the risk of being hurt. That can be terrifying, yet at the same time, it also sounds so hard to have had to face the hardest year of your life on your own, without anyone else truly knowing you're in this much pain. That feels sad, @Lottie5433 , and I'm sending you the biggest hug.

May I ask, when you speak of not wanting to let others see the 'mess', what do you imagine might happen if they do? Are you referring to anyone in particular, e.g. a certain loved one, or maybe people in general?

I can hear you thinking about the different sources of support you have in your life and how best to take care of yourself going forwards, which is really beautiful. Esspecially you recognising what kinds of support might feel unhelpful or even dangerous (e.g. medicine). It feels like you're looking out for yourself here May I ask when your course of therapy is due to come to an end? I can imagine that feels daunting, and it's so valid to feel that way. Your therapist is absoutely there to talk about what ending feels like, and you'd be so within your right to share your fears. How much do they know of what things are like behind the fortress too?

You mentioned at the end of your message that there are moments you ask yourself 'why am I still here?' and I'm again, so thankful for your trust in sharing this. I can hear just how difficult things have gotten right now, to the point where a part of you longs for that time when you didn't exist, when you didn't have to feel this heavy. I hear you, @Lottie5433 , and just how much you're wanting some relief. Can I ask whether you're talking of feelings of suicide here? And if so, how you have been able to keep yourself safe when these thoughts come up? We're here to explore this with you, and again, thank you so much for opening up. You're not alone

Lottie5433

Thank you @Sian321 for your comment. It felt very strange to almost let people into my fortress by writing this out.

This fortress i built does make it hard to see hope and let others in but that what protects me, and gives me chance to build trust before even attempting to open up to them. Ive just got use to having to deal with everything on my own, Yes this year has been the hardest its ever been but it's just easier and safer to keep others out.

In terms of letting others see my "mess" i just don't want others to see me anymore differently - everyone around me still sees me as this smiley bubble person that I was years ago. I would much rather them still see me like this than to see the pain and suffering I go through and think that they caused the issue or that they failed me (particularly with my parents). I just think people in general would treat me differently if they new the truth and could see the mess inside.

It's taken me a while to realise what support I would find unhelpful, especially seen as that is my gp's response: even when I've mentioned how awful in makes me feel at times. With my therapy it's due to end at the end of December. I get my therapist is there to talk through these feeling but ive just been ignoring the fact it's ending and making it seem like im "fine" and that i don't need the therapy anymore. I was emailed 2 weeks mentioning that the paln is to end the therapy at the end of December and my therapist wanted me know if that was okay/what I thought of therapy plan. Im reluctant to email just that I know it will go to the whole team but also that i don't really know how I feel. The only good thing i can see from this is that i could potentially be referred onto another team for more emotion regulation work - but i don't know. In terms of how much my therapist know about whats in my fortress - they know snapshots of it never the full picture; just because I fear what might come from being completely open with them. We have tried working on me opening up, which I do and theb the following week i seal it back up - usually as a result of something happening at home etc.

At the end of the message I am breifly talking about feelings of suicide. When these thoughts come up im sometimes able to distract myself or keep myself busy, but other times they are that intense i don't see much of a way out so that's when I reaxh for things that i know will hurt me (ie self harm etc). By doing this it just gives me something physical to focus on but also attending relief/outlet for my thoughts and feelings. A bit like creating a vent for a fire to escape in a house.

Thank you again for the message, I know ypu said im not alone: however it constantly feels lkke it 😔

briannat

Hello Lottie
I came across your post and wanted to offer a bit of support. I can hear how much work you've done to get your self the help and support you need. Working through things in therapy, even if you feel that you close up a lot is still progress in of itself. Your feelings of wanting to go back to a time where you don't exist feels so real and I'm so proud of you for making it as far as you have. It sounds like it hasn't been easy at all. Just by choosing to breathe each day, you're showing so much strength and resilience. It may not feel like it, but it's 100% true. I know whenever I've struggled with thoughts like this, sometimes going through the motions is the most I can do. In those moments it helps to be kind to myself and be proud of the little things like eating a meal, having a shower, engaging in a hobby. What does going through the motions look like for you?

It takes a tremendous amount of energy to hide from others how you're feeling, and it seems like you've been doing that for a really long time. It sounds exhausting and hurtful too, worrying about whether or not you'll be fully accepted in some of your worse moments. I've felt the same way, and didn't want anyone to know what I was going through. I was really surprised when once i started opening up, people just wanted to help me and not judge me for what I was feeling. You're deserving of love and support from your friends and family all the time, not just when you're feeling good.

You asked "why am I here". When I have these types of questions. I've found it helpful to think in short term future goals. Like maybe one day you're here to make a really good recipe you've been thinking about or something you found online. Another day you're here to hang out with a friend and hear about how their day is going, another it's because there's a series on netflix or channel 4 that you really need to see. Eventually the days will start to come together in a more meaningful way. It just takes a lot of patience. You're doing great

Lottie5433

Thank you @briannat, I have been trying to myself more support but its difficult when I keep getting denied by professionals because im either recieving therapy (even though it's for an eating disorder) or that my issues are too raw and fresh that they cant risk me being put on a waiting list for support. It just feels like i just need to get over myself and fix myself, it's clear professionals dont want to do anything for me.
I am surprised in myself that I made it this far, I do have to thank the support i had at university for keeping me alive really. They were like the only consistant support i had. I dont feel like I have a lot of strength or resilience at all.
Not really sure what going through the motions is for me like it's just effort to make it through each day, where most of the times I neglect basic needs and isolate myself from others. Like i have started drawing again - more so as another outlet but i have to hide them too.
Ive been hiding how I feel from others for at least 10 years now, and everytime ive opened up ive been made to believe im an issue or a waste of time: even gone as far as being abandoned by friends because they couldn't deal with me anymore - made feel fantastic 🙄.
I dont think im here to do anything im just more of an inconvenience as the days go on.

Bit appreciate your kind words and support ♥️

briannat

Hey @Lottie5433

I think it's wonderful you've started drawing again, it sounds like you're tapping into some sources of support that have helped you in the past. I'm also glad you had your support team at university, it seems like it made a huge difference. It's normal that you don't feel you have a lot of strength or resilience, it's hard to feel those things when we're struggling so much. But I see it, I'm sure your support team at uni saw it too. I'm sorry you've been abandoned by friends nobody deserves that, I hope you'll find consistent relationships where you can show up as your full self whether those relationships be friendships, romantic, or familial. For now I'm sending you a virtual hug your honesty is appreciated here.