No one has to read. Pointless vent.

Rose113

So…

The flashbacks
Anxiety
Struggles to eat
Panic attacks
Lack of motivation
Stress
Physical pain
The endless tears in the day
Crying myself to sleep at night
Anger
The attitude
Uncontrollable regression

There all back but who cares. No one does but why would they. Little me used to be so excited about growing up yet now I just curse myself for it. I have secrets I’ve never told not even to the people closest to me. As I was growing up I slowly learnt that people can’t handle me and that I deserve to be alone…I’ve accepted that now.

I used to be the one who messaged everyone first and I always wondered if people only replied because I messaged first. I stopped texting first and like a flick of a switch my phone went silent…that’s how important I am to people. No I don’t bother to message people, I won’t force people to talk to me especially when I know I’m not wanted. I make people happy by not being a hindrance for them

I’ve accepted it’s better to not ask for help and I’ve stopped expecting help. I’m fine dealing with everything on my own. Even if no matter how hard I try to get back on track I lead myself into the darker path. But it’s fine, it’s dandy. I’ve gave up anyway. I gave up years ago just tried every so often when “hope” came into my life then left again. Now that’s gone I can fully give up. Has no effect on me. I’ve been wiping my own tears since I was a young kid. So not that anyone does but no one has to worry about me.

I learnt that for me struggling is wrong, crying is wrong, being quiet is wrong, everything I’ve ever done has been nothing but wrong. That’s just me. That’s because I’m a curse. I’m not good at anything except I’m a pro at ruining everyone’s lives even tho I’m forever giving my heart to people I always ruin it.

I was told that my mental health killed my happiness but people killed my happiness, my past and everyone that hurt me contributed to it all. My mental health was just a tiny factor to big painful experiences

Every night I cry myself to sleep with a heavy heart and crying doesn’t even touch close to helping. Carrying so many burdens on my shoulders that I can’t share with anyone cos not like anyone wants to hear them and plus there too dark so I guess they’ll have to remain there but that’s fine.

If one day I vanished and deleted everything and locked myself away forever no one would notice why would they. Or everyone would notice a big fat ugly heavy worthless burden not be around and would be filled with so much joy. I’ll be happy for them 💕 people deserve to not have me in their lives.

Self harm feels like nothing but I’ll forever do it just to punish myself for everything. For being born, for being who I am, for being a crap person.

Christmas in 2 weeks, wooptydo how fucking great…not done anything Christmas except be dragged Christmas shopping. Lost all interest. Just a pointless holiday for me with too many bad memories. This year being far worse.

Finally, I’m sorry that people had to meet a useless, unworthy, broken and ugly person like me.

AnonymousToe

Incredibly socially drained so this is a really crap reply but you’re important to me and I wish you didn’t struggle so much. I wish people had treated you better. You don’t deserve to feel all these horrible things.
I wish I could say more to help and I’m sorry. Please take care of yourself 🫂

Rose113

Got to college at 1 and then I wanted to go straight home, I spoke to Sarah cos Emma was busy and she was nice and then she took me to class and told the teacher that I’m not feeling okay and then I sat in class for a bit and then cried so left the room and then went to the quiet room with a teacher to wait for Emma and did some drawing where I split the paper and did a half smile half sad face the smile being on one side and the sad being on the other and then put words about how I’m expected to feel on the other and words about how I feel on the sad side and Emma read it and I felt so bad because she looked at me so sad and said she wants to try change it by the end of the year so she’s done a “*real name* positive page” and every day she wants me to go to her to fill it in and on one side of the page she’s gonna put positives on about me and she said by the end of the year she wants 2 pages full. She’s gone home now but she’s said if I need anything till I finish at 5 that Sarah is there and I can go to her

JMMV2005

@Rose113 I’m really sorry you feel this bad

First of all your not a bad person, struggling and making mistakes or anything like that doesn’t make you a bad person, what makes you feel like a bad person? as far as I see it what makes someone a bad person is someone who is deliberately horrible, and your not like that, so please don’t beat yourself up, harm yourself or bring yourself down or anything like that, because there’s absolutely no way you deserve it, please look after yourself and be kind to yourself, you wouldn’t be horrible to others so don’t be horrible to yourself

Secondly sorry you feel like you have dark secrets you can’t tell people, It’s ok if you have things you don’t want to tell people, and I’m sure every human being alive has at least one secret they would never tell anyone, and thats ok because no one is perfect and no one has to be perfect

Thirdly don’t worry about people not messaging you unless you message them, that happens to me, and to a lot of people, it’s not because of you it’s happening it’s because some people just aren’t very nice and don’t think about anyone but themselves so they won’t think to actually speak to people, even ones who are nice to them

Fourthly it’s ok to ask for help, and people need to ask for help, if someone doesn’t ask for help and tries to take on every challenge by themselves their going to really struggle, so don’t be afraid to reach out for help if you need it

Your not a curse, no ones a curse, your being to hard on yourself, like I said please look after yourself and forgive yourself for things, you’ll start to feel better and doing that is the first step for things in life to get better, trust me I know from experience

Please stay safe and I’m here if you need to talk to someone

Maia

Hey @Rose113

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. It sounds like last night was a really tricky time for you and you had some big feelings, how are you feeling now?

I read this and thought dang, this is such a lot for any one person to be carrying and honestly, it sounds like you need a massive hug right now! It's so obvious that you have been through so much @Rose113 and you've been handling it all on your own for way too long. It's absolutely no surprise that it feels like the worlds crushing you - you're carrying heavy stuff and anyone would struggle under that pressure

You have a massive heart, Rose. The way you talk about giving your all to others, even when it’s not returned, says so much about the kind of person you are. But I couldn’t help thinking… when was the last time you let yourself just be cared for? Like, have you had a moment to just put the world on pause and breathe, to try and offer yourself kindness and mercy? You're coping the best you can in incredibly difficult circumstances, you deserve kindness and care

Christmas can really suck sometimes, right? All the expectations, memories and just.. pressure You don't have to feel festive or do anything you're not up for. What if you did something small, just for you? Forget the holiday; just something you’d actually enjoy—doesn’t matter how simple. Maybe there’s a way to create a little pocket of peace in all this chaos?

None of what you've shared makes you a burden. You're human, you're allowed to struggle, to cry, to ask for help and none of that is ever a sign of weakness. We all have moments where we find ourselves needing support and there's no shame in that

Emma sounds like an absolute gem. I love the 'positive page' idea! That is such a thoughtful way to try and shift things for you bit by bit. I know it might not feel like much right now, but imagine looking back at those pages later and seeing how much someone believes in you. I'm wondering how you are feeling about the positive page? Do you think it might help?

You’re doing better than you think, Rose, and I hope you can give yourself some credit for that, And I just want to say—this world is better with you in it