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Controlling friend
Creativeboy23
Posts: 277 The Mix Regular
I think my friend is trying to control me. I have been feeling powerless.
I feel he tells us what we are doing. He said that we should have a meal and have drinks before Christmas. I said that I think I have something planned with other friends on the week he was planning to do the activities, and he dismissed what I said, and continued talking about going for drinks with him. I did great to speak up and let him know about my plans, but he made me feel compelled to accept his demands. I think he does not give me the space to do my own activities.
At the cinema, he was constantly taking out my popcorn while I was eating it, so I tried to move it to the side of me. I did great again to make the effort to stop him but it did not work. He did not give me a chance to have it to myself. He grabbed my bag of popcorn off my other friend when I gave him some. Before we went to the cinema, during a call with him, he said we can share my popcorn without asking me if I wanted to. I done my best to handle the situation which is all I could have done.
It is hard to talk to him about it because he got defensive when I shared things he previously did that was upsetting me. It does not necessarily mean he will do the same again, but it is unlikely if he is treating me like this. It is reasonable for me to not want my feelings to get rejected again.
I feel I seem to attract controlling people, but I do not want to. I want to learn how to be assertive, but I do not know how to be.
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I think you’re more assertive than you realise: you're reflecting on the situation and thinking about what you want and feel. Don't beat yourself up for not pushing your view further in the moment-these situations can be difficult to navigate! Being assertive doesn’t mean you always have the perfect thing to say right then.
Perhaps, upon reflecting, you could form a polite but firm message explaining what you're unhappy with. Helpful communication tactics for de-escalating conflict can include focusing on what they did and how it made you feel. For example, 'When you took the popcorn away from me, it felt disrespectful and like my feelings weren't being considered.' This shifts the focus from them to communicating your view in a way that doesn’t sound accusatory, and avoids filling in the blanks about why he did it.
Even reflecting on these situations, as you're doing now, is a big step toward becoming more assertive-you’re doing better than you think.
I think you’re more assertive than you realise. Reflecting on the situation and thinking about what you want and feel is an important step. Don’t beat yourself up for not pushing your view further in the moment-these situations can be difficult to navigate! Being assertive doesn’t mean you always have the perfect thing to say right then.
Upon reflection, you might consider forming a polite but firm message explaining what you're unhappy with. Helpful communication tactics for de-escalating conflict include focusing on what they did and how it made you feel. For example, 'When you took the popcorn away from me, it felt disrespectful and like my feelings weren’t being considered.' This shifts the focus to your feelings without sounding accusatory or filling in the blanks about their intentions.
Even reflecting on these situations, as you’re doing now, is a big step toward becoming more assertive-you’re doing better than you think.
Hello @Alwayshope2day.
I was not beating myself up. I was being self compassionate. I said in the thread that I did great to speak up and let him know about my plans and to make the effort to try to stop him and that I realised overall that I did my best to handle the situation which is all I could have done. I feel hurt and unheard that my attempt to be self forgiving was not recognised because it can be hard to be kind to yourself when you are feeling emotions but I did it. I appreciate that my effort to be self compassionate may have not been seen because my thread is wordy but it does not change how I feel.
I feel invalidated because I have been told what to say to assert myself, without acknowledging that his past defensiveness makes it hard to open up to him, and without trying to understand and explore how I must I felt when my friend controlled me. You probably was trying to sympathise when you brought a similar experience to relate to mine and was advising me on how to express my feelings to him. However, it did not feel like that for me. I just felt the attention was slightly taken away from my experience. Thank you for advising me on what I can to say to him, though. It is unlikely that your support was intended to come across as invalidating and you wanted to be helpful but it felt dismissive for me. Thanks again for your support. I really appreciate it.
I heard you say that you're concerned this friendship might be part of a wider pattern whereby you attract people who are controlling. That sounds really hard, and I can hear just how much you're wanting to change this and carrying some self-blame, perhaps? I wonder if you'd feel comfortable sharing some more about this pattern, what you know about it, and how you imagine you might be attracting controlling people?
I really want to acknowledge and celebrate just how much effort you have been putting into advocating for yourself and speaking up when something doesn't feel right! I know personally just how anxiety-inducing it can feel to do that (it's SO scary sometimes!), and it feels like you've been trying to take care of yourself in a really beautiful way. I'm so sorry that when you did assert your boundaries and tried to share your feelings your friend became defensive. That feels really upsetting, because you were trying to be vulnerable and honest, and you deserve so much to be respected. It feels like you're investing a lot in this friendship and working hard to adjust the dynamics so they feel more balanced. Anyone would be so lucky to have a friend like you who is trying to be really honest
Sending hugs,
@Creativeboy23
The fact that your friend is aggressively taking from you, trying to make you follow his plans, and getting defensive when you question him is honestly a huge red flag, he seems like he wants to use people to boost his own ego and hide his insecurities, unfortunately a lot of people choose to do that
Obviously I don’t have a 100% understanding of the situation but I think the best thing to do is either firmly explain to him that you can see he’s bullying you, or cut him out of your life, I know if someone was taking advantage of me I’d cut them out
I hope this helps
I have had controlling friends at my secondary school and did not assert myself but they have changed now which is a good thing. I did not stand up for myself when someone at college sat in my seat etc. The important thing is that I am asserting myself now but now, I have controlling friends again, so it has made me think I attract controlling people, but yes, I think I am subconsciously carrying some self-blame because I am making myself responsible for my friends' controlling behaviour by telling myself that I attract controlling people, when other people's actions are their responsibility. Are you talking about self-blame when you say you hope I can be kind to myself?
I told myself that I did the best I could to handle my situation and gave myself praise for the effort to assert myself to my friend, so I was showing myself some kindness. So, I feel hurt and unheard again that my attempt to be self forgiving is not being recognised again. I already expressed how I felt about my self compassion not being seen in my thread to @Alwayshope2day.
Thank you for your kind words and support, though. I really appreciate it.
Hello @JMMV2005.
Thank you for advice. It does help.
Hope you’re alright good luck
Hello @Lucy_21.
I am okay now that I have some time away from him. Thank you and for your help. I appreciate you sharing your experience and you too @Alwayshope2day.
You have a lovely profile picture.
You’re welcome and thank you that’s sweet and I appreciate it a lot as it’s one of the few pictures I feel somewhat descent in
I'm very sorry I made you feel invalidated and as though your feelings were dismissed. I think I more wanted to share my experience as a way of showing that you're not alone... I'm sorry it didn't help. I'm glad you're okay now you've had time away from him.
Morning @Alwayshope2day.
I have been feeling hurt and ignored that my effort to be self-compassionate was not recognised. I already expressed this yesterday but it was not acknowledged. Only the fact that I felt invalidated was taken into account but thank you for your apology.
I know you wanted to share your experience to show that I am not alone. I already pointed that out in my thread when I was also trying to see the situation from your perspective.
Hello @Lucy_21.
Yes. That is true. My mental health wellbeing comes first.
No worries.