Sigh

Rose113

I’ve completely lost myself and mentally I’m just so done trying to get through this anymore, I’ve lost all hope. Yesterday I found out my grandma won’t make it to Christmas because the cancer has spread to her brain so I’m done, I’m loosing the only person that has given a shit about me growing up. A couple of days ago I got Christmas decorations out and last night I threw them in a box and threw them in the bin. Christmas can fuck off this year, I’m done with it completely. Mum has brought up twice today how deflated I am and how I’ve lost all the emotions from my eyes. Completely gone mute today as well because I’m just so fucking done. Falling back into a pit of pain and this time I’m not even bothering trying to help myself feel better, keep snapping at everyone because no one fucking gets it, I’ve lost interest in everything. I’m locking myself away forever, already deleted my social media and soon I’ll stop responding to everyone so I guess no one should be surprised if I go silent

Nothings gonna make any of it better not even a tiny bit, nothing can be done. Im done completely, im tired, im drained, im deflated and i feel nothing like me. Safe. Have to be 😐

Orchid059

Hi @Rose113 it sounds like you have got a lot on your plate at the moment so it's normal to feel all this mixture of emotions. I am sorry to hear the news about your Grandma. I can imagine hearing that news must have been really hard for you especially because you seem so close with her. Try not to be hard on yourself during this time and allow yourself to feel these emotions and process them. It's understandable that you feel drained and deflated so just be patient with yourself because you are carrying a lot. Remember it is okay to ask for help even if you feel like you don't need it.

I know it's hard and you're being so brave. But try and hold onto the fact that you're still here, still trying even when you feel like the world is against you. That shows so much strength and resilience We're here for you during this time.

Is there any way of being able to visit your Grandma more regularly- is that something you can liase with her carers/doctor? I know that celebrating Christmas might be the lowest thing on your priority list for you right now, and that's completely understandable, but perhaps you might be able to bring Christmas to your Grandma and have some special quality time with her for the run-up to the Christmas period?

I know you mentioned you are safe at the moment but if you feel like things are getting a bit more tough, please remember to reach out to the services below. One of them is Macmillan Cancer support. They are a really good charity who support people living with cancer as well as loved ones who know someone who has cancer.

https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/supporting-someone/emotional-support-for-family-and-friends
Crisis Messenger (24/7) I text THEMIX to 85258
Samaritans (24/7) I call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) I call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
Supportline (hours vary) I call 01708 765 200

Alwayshope2day

Hi @Rose113 , I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I just want you to know that how you’re feeling right now is completely valid, and it’s okay to take time for yourself. Grief can feel so overwhelming and isolating, and it’s normal to feel like you need space. I lost a parent during my college years, shortly after Christmas, and I remember how hard it was to face things like Christmas when everything felt so painful.

It’s important to know that the mix of sadness, numbness, anger, and exhaustion will change. You will feel better, even though you can’t change what’s happened. You will feel like yourself again. How you’re feeling is a natural part of the grieving process. Please don’t go through it alone-we’re here for you.

I know it might not feel like it right now, but with time, the pain will soften, even if it doesn’t feel like it can. Let yourself feel everything-whether that’s sadness, anger, or frustration. Sometimes ripping paper, scribbling, or yelling into a pillow can help release those emotions in a healthy way.

If stepping back from social media feels helpful for you right now, do what’s best for your wellbeing. But maybe consider deactivating instead of deleting-this way, your connections will still be there when you’re ready. Your real friends should understand if you need to take a break or can’t reply right away. Even a simple message like, ‘I’m having a hard time right now, but I’ll reply when I can,’ can go a long way.

It’s okay to curl up under the duvet and rest, but try to keep your connections open. I’m sure your grandma wouldn’t want you to carry this pain all by yourself. The other side of this will feel better- it will just take time.

Sending you a hug. We’re here with you.

Alwayshope2day

@Rose113, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now. I just want you to know that we are here for you, and your feelings are completely valid. I lost a parent during my college years, shortly after Christmas, and I remember how hard it was to face the Christmas cheer when the loss was so fresh. Sending you a hug.

I think it's important to tell you that, with time, things will feel better. The mix of sadness, numbness, frustration, and intense pain you're feeling won't last forever. Let yourself feel it all-rip paper, scribble on a notepad, talk it out here-let those emotions out in a healthy way.

I understand that the last thing you want right now is to engage with people on social media, and that's completely okay. But maybe instead of deleting it, you could deactivate your accounts so you still have your connections when you're ready. Friends will understand if you send a message saying, "I'm having a hard time, but I'll reply when I can."

We're here for you.

Sian321

Hey @Rose113 , thank you so much for your post, and firstly I just want to say that I am so, so sorry to hear about your Grandma. That feels heartbreaking. There are just no words. She means everything to you - she is the single person in this world who has made you feel most cared for. It sounds devestating to be preparing yourself now to say goodbye to her, and I can hear just how deep your pain is. It sounds so torturous.

I know it doesn't take even one ounce of that pain away, but we're here, and we're listening, and you're allowed to show up in this space however you need to. Whether that's exhausted, or hopeless, or lost. You don't have to put on a 'brave face', or to feel festive, or Christmassy. You're simply trying to survive right now. To get through each day. That is so much more than enough.

It feels really very sad to hear you say you feel like you're 'nothing like me' anymore. I really felt that. And I'm just sending you the biggest hug. Again, I recognise it can't take the pain away, but we're here

Can I ask, @Rose113 , how are you keeping safe right now? I know you said you're safe because you feel like you have to be, and I wonder what that looks like?

It sounds like your mum noticed that you were really struggling. How safe do you feel when you can be around her, and is she someone who could support you?

I'll share some places below you can reach out to if you do feel unable to keep safe, @Rose113 . We take your safety seriously, and you deserve support:

https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger (24/7)
https://www.samaritans.org/ (24/7)
https://www.papyrus-uk.org/
https://www.thecalmzone.net/

Further support -
The Macmillan Support Line services - https://www.macmillan.org.uk/cancer-information-and-support/get-help/macmillan-support-line
https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/

Rose113

Hi @Sian321

Really can’t loose her I have nothing if she passes away she’s only person in my family to fully know about my mental health, I tell her everything

Thank you 😭 just want this pain to go away 💔

Hugs, I’m never gonna feel like me ever again, lost my spark completely, it’ll never come back, I’m broken

Just got to keep safe by not doing anything dangerous or silly I told Emma I’d try keep safe and if I felt like doing something I’d email her or go see her in college

I can’t tell mum anything, she wouldn’t understand and she has enough to worry about, I’m not even a priority to her, not even close to one, I never have been but it’s fine, I learnt to live with that growing up 😕

briannat

Oh @Rose113 This is absolutely unfair for you to experience. Reading through your post I kept thinking to myself "I'd react the same way if I was losing my grandmother" it's awful and the word sorry doesn't come close to what I feel for your situation. I wonder if there are opportunities for you to spend as much time as possible with your grandmother while she's still here.

You've just found out some life changing news, you are only human. Of course you're shutting down emotionally. I'm sending you as many hugs as possible I'm so proud of you for keeping yourself safe , that takes a lot of courage

Rose113

Thank you @briannat

I want to cry and lock myself in another world it’s making everything horrible to do, keep being kicked out of lesson or walking out

I’m on my way to the hospital to see her but it’s gonna be so hard I made her a card tho

Trying my hardest to just survive 🥺 hopefully will get into the doctors for my mental health too

Sian321

Hey @Rose113 I just wanted to check in with how you're doing? I know on the 3rd you were travelling to the hospital to see your Grandma, and I can imagine that visit might have been really, really hard. What have the past few days been like?

It makes so much sense that you want to lock yourself in another world and escape all of this pain. Your Grandma has been the one person who knows all that you've been through with your mental health and ensured that you don't have to go through things alone. She sounds incredibly important, and I agree with @briannat that I only hope that you're able to spend as much time with her as you wish to over these next weeks. When you're visiting her, do you tend to go alone or with someone else too?

Again, it takes so much energy during a crisis like this to keep yourself safe, and I'm so proud of you for doing this. It's positive that Emma's told you to reach out to her, and I really, really hope you hear from the doctors soon about some more mental health support. You're doing your very best under unthinkable circumstances, @Rose113 , and I'm sending the biggest hug

Rose113

Hi @Sian321

I’m really not okay I feel like my whole world has fallen to smitherines and daily I’m trying to rescue these tiny fragments just to try feel better again I got to college and Su saw me in the hallway and asked if I was okay, I got so chocked up on my words and started crying so she took me to a classroom and we talked, she wants to talk to Emma about getting me some counselling with her. Then I saw Emma at lunch time and she asked if I’m okay and I replied with “always” I know I should have told her the truth but I don’t want to be a bother for her so it feels easier to just pretend as much as I can, I also messaged su about it on teams

Copy of the message:

She hasn’t replied yet or seen the message but idk I’m dreading sending it cos what if she gets so worried about me

What have the past few days been like?

Honestly not great I keep regressing and I can’t control it, I woke up regressed and I went to bed regressed and so this morning I had to force myself out of regression by triggering myself so todays and most days with my regression has been shit

I visit my grandma with my mum and I went the other day and something happened with my mum and it was horrible and then mum practically paid for my forgiveness but oh well 😕

Thank you

Lucy_21

I’m sorry you’re going through this right now hon but try to remember that even though it feels like it you are not alone. You are stronger than you realize and you deserve credit for at least that❤️❤️

Katie

Rose113 wrote: »

Hi @Sian321 I’m really not okay I feel like my whole world has fallen to smitherines and daily I’m trying to rescue these tiny fragments just to try feel better again I got to college and Su saw me in the hallway and asked if I was okay, I got so chocked up on my words and started crying so she took me to a classroom and we talked, she wants to talk to Emma about getting me some counselling with her. Then I saw Emma at lunch time and she asked if I’m okay and I replied with “always” I know I should have told her the truth but I don’t want to be a bother for her so it feels easier to just pretend as much as I can, I also messaged su about it on teams

Copy of the message:

She hasn’t replied yet or seen the message but idk I’m dreading sending it cos what if she gets so worried about me

Hey @Rose113 Can I ask who Su is? I don't think I've seen you speak about them before.

I know the relationship you've built with Emma is really important to you and she plays a really supportive role in your life. I also know that you're not a burden to her at all. She is supposed to safeguard and care for the students at college - from my understanding that is literally her role. In general she also just sounds like a really lovely person that genuinely cares and wants to help. Pretending to be okay takes a lot of energy, and you're already having to cope with more than enough. Struggling in silence also won't help you Rose, and you really deserve support right now. How do you feel about the counselling with Emma?

Rose113

Su my sound teacher @Katie

Counselling not nice yucky experience with it in past make hard to get help