I'm struggling so much and just feel so lost

Chloe234

It's all just so shit. I haven't been able to find the words recently but it's just been getting worse and worse there's so much I wanna say yet can't because i know it'd worry people and I can't do that. (I'm safe) I spiraled again tonight and relapsed with my self harm again and it's just such a repetitive cycle.

I feel so disconnected at the moment and it's just so horrible. I went to my friend's this weekend but I feel so bad because I had a little bit of fun but most the time I was just struggling and just wanted to leave.

I've got an appointment today with an intense CBT guy but with this spiral I don't think I'm ready yet I'm too scared to say. I'm worried I'm gonna slip up and say something that will get me in trouble though and I'm so worried they'll try getting me locked up or something as inpatient if they see how bad I am. It's silly because they probably won't. It's my first time going to a health care place since my attempt in February though too

Lucy_21

@Chloe234 You can say anything you need to Chloe that’s what this space is for and yes we would most likely worry about you but that is because we care about you and want to help. You will get no judgment at all here. Relapses are part of the journey and there is no shame in them at all. A realapse means you had a juration of time clean so be proud of it, I’m proud of you.

Social interaction is hard when you’re struggling trust me I know but it good that you had a bit of a good time, don’t feel bad for feeling overwhelmed it happens and it’s alright.

It’s understandable you are nervous and not silly at all but my advice is be honest with him tell him yes I’m struggling and if you want to about the relapse too because that’s what they are there for to help and we can’t help if we don’t know you need it.

Needing help isn’t a weakness it’s a strength because without it how can you get stronger and ready for your next fight

We are all here for you Chloe and good luck for today

briannat

@Chloe234 I just want to say that I'm am deeply grateful that you are alive and continuously trying to get through each day. It takes an overwhelming amount of energy to just exist when your thoughts might be telling you do otherwise, so from one person to another i'm really proud of you. I'm sorry to hear about your relapse, it sounds like you're feeling disappointed in yourself which is quite relatable. But the fact that you were able to go a long amount of time without self-harming is still impressive and I hope you realise that. Have you been able to take care of your wounds?

Good for you going to your friend's house despite feeling bad, it takes a lot to be around people during moments like these and you did it anyway. That in of itself is a victory

This appointment with a CBT therapist sounds like it could be intense and a bit scary, I hope you feel empowered enough to tell the therapist what your own limits are (you have every right to do this) and that you both can establish a pace that feels safe for you.

Keep going Chloe, even if some days all you can do is exist. That's enough

MatchaMia

Hi @Chloe234 just to add onto what the others have said - I'm so sorry that you're feeling that disconnect and fear. It's so understandable to be anxious when it comes to sharing with others, especially if it's something you feel so deeply. I just wanted to tell you that through letting yourself lean on others (even though I know there are times where you feel like its all too much and overwhelming), you are showing bravery and strength in your vulnerability.

As the others have said, relapses are nothing to be ashamed of, they are part of the healing process and show that you are on the way to better things with some more time. I am so proud of you for being able to recognise when things are getting worse, and even sharing your feelings on the board is such a great first step . It's relatable to feel guilt from worrying others, you say you can't do that - please remember that your support system can be strong enough to support you even through disconnect. They can take care of themselves, so it's okay to focus on yourself, really.

You are not at fault here, and you won't get into trouble for anything at all. Those who work in CBT are there to understand you better, and in order to truly help you, being honest with them is so important. I also believe that its as equally important that you feel safe in the environment before disclosing anything, and its perfectly okay to take some time beforehand to breathe and allow yourself patience when sharing your thoughts and feelings with your CBT practitioner. He is there to help you through even the most challenging times. And the board is always open for you too. Thank you for being alive and for going a long time without self-harm, I know you can get there again, even repetitive cycles can be broken.