{TW} Just done with this

Rose113

Nothing is okay anymore and I’m just feeling so confused and lost and I hate feeling like this, it’s like there’s an earthquake in my head and around me all the time

Been back in contact with my real mum and brothers for a few weeks now and it was going well but now they’ve all distanced themselves and are barely talking to me and I hate it 💔 am I really such a crap daughter. My whole life I’ve only every wanted to be loved and I thought I was getting that but now it’s fallen apart, no one loves me which why would they, I’m a useless and worthless freak that will not get anywhere in life, part of me wishes I wasn’t here, like would anyone even care. I’m a complete and utter neuisance 😭

I’m holding everything in trying to not bother anyone and to just get a grip like I’m expected to do, things changed, drastically and nothing feels right anymore. I feel lost in a painful and confusing world trying to navigate everything like I’m a silly toddler again 💔 Looking after myself is getting harder and harder, it’s so gross but I’ve barely showered, brushed my hair, brushed my teeth and changed into clean clothes in days, I can’t cope but somehow I’m getting through each day

My age regression has gotten so bad and so out of control, recently 2 nights in a row I’ve badly regressed and lost my memory which is my worst part of age regressing and it only happens when things are really not okay and my body does that to flee the threat but idk what that threat is or anything. I can’t control it, I had the hang of it, I new the signs to look out for, I knew what to do to calm down but now I have no idea whatsoever 😭 I feel so stupid, I feel pathetic. I’m done trying 💔 can’t I just hide forever so this pain can eventually leave

I’ve been poorly since Thursday night too and today I found out I have Covid which is just fucking great, I hate being unwell as it is, I just cry and cry endlessly when I’m poorly. I keep coughing so I’ve hurt my head I have a sore throat. My ears keep popping when I’m blowing my nose cos I’m delicate

Why does life have to be like this, why can’t things of gotten better, I wish this pain would end so I didn’t have to deal with this anymore 💔 I just want someone to hug me, for no one to tell me that it’s all gonna be okay because that’s all lies, it’s never gonna be okay, not for a long time. Not least till Christmas is over. God I fucking hate Christmas

I hate Christmas, i despise the actual day, im all for Christmas movies curled up in bed ALONE but fuck I hate the actual day, it’s the most patronising day for me, I pretend to fit in with people that have never loved me, pretend to enjoy the day and like one big happy god damn family, it makes me want to throw up the amount of days from 25th December to 2nd January that I have to smile and like I don’t want to scream.

Christmas reminds me of the amount of friends and people I’ve lost to suicide these past long and painful years who won’t be in 2025 with me and this year being 10x worse with all the friends I lost this year. Dad or my half brother won’t even be around and yeah I barely knew them but still it still hits hard

💔💔

briannat

Hey there Rose
What you're going through sounds so overwhelming. Being in contact with your mum and brothers again only for them to distance themselves from you is painful and it's logical to me that you're wondering what it is about you that makes them act this way. I'd just like to say that you are not responsible for the way others treat you, even if it is family. You deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect in a consistent manner. You are not deserving of the treatment you are receiving and I'm sorry that you feel that you are.

Of course this has impacted your ability to look after yourself. Taking care of oneself is already hard enough, doing so while feeling like you're not worth it is even harder! Take each day one step at a time. If you've managed to get out of bed that's a victory, if you've managed to talk about how you're feeling it's a victory. This is a battle that you don't have to go through alone. You are so so worth it, in every way. Simply by existing.

When you say you're done trying, would you be able to open a bit more about that? I care about your safety and don't want you to be in any potentially dangerous situations. If you feel like things are too hard and you can't cope you can use shout as a way to get through those moments. Just text THEMIX to 85258.

How you've described Christmas feels so real, a holiday where everyone is supposed to come together and yet you feel as though you can't express how you're actually feeling. This sounds incredibly frustrating and you're certainly not alone in feeling this way. On top of it you're grieving your loved ones, and being reminded that they're no longer physically here with you. That pain is real and valid, and it deserves to be acknowledged. What are your curent Christmas plans, will you have any moments where you can have a little reprieve from the stress of the day?

I hope you've managed to have a meal today, and do something that makes you laugh. Even typing all of this out can be considered a positive, as I know that takes energy

Rose113

Hey @briannat

I’ve been talking to my mum and a couple of brothers today but not much, I thought they were the people I’m meant to fit in with but I don’t even fit in with them and there my real family, it’s just so hard, I’m an imposter everywhere and with everyone , wish I could just be able to fit in and belong.

Today I managed to get dressed and then crawled back into bed and have barely moved all day had to get dressed just for a zoom call cos my college had a remote learning day because of the snow where my college is but that’s it, even that has just tired me out but maybe that’s the poorlyness talking anyway

I don’t know I’m just done trying to cope in a world that I’m just having to survive, I don’t want to survive in this world I just wish I could live in this world yk?

Meant to be going to my aunt and uncles like we do every year. Usually it’s Christmas Day at there’s, Boxing Day with them too. A couple of days after with my other aunt, then New Year’s Eve with my aunt and New Year’s Day everyone cups to my house. It’s too much socialising and too anxiety inducing especially when it’s all about food and that’s a very bad topic for me, I struggle badly with food and Christmas dinner has so many foods that I have sensory problems with

Thank you 💕 I just wish I didn’t have to deal with it all this way

JMMV2005

@Rose113 Your not worthless and useless, just because people aren’t treating you well doesn’t mean your a bad person, it says more about them than it does about you, and also don’t bottle up your feelings because people expect you to, it’s extremely unhealthy, your doing the right thing by talking about them here

I wish you the best and I hope you find good people who love and value you for who you are

Lucy_21

I’m so sorry I haven’t been able to help you for a few days hon, I’m being serious when I say you are all I’ve thought about every day. All I’ve wanted to do was make sure you’re alright. I’m sorry you had to feel like this and I couldn’t help but you are no worthless at all. You are everything to me, you’re my best friend. No one deserves happiness and love than you and one day you will find the person to give you just that. No ultimatum no strings nothing just pure love and I can’t wait for that day for you hon❤️❤️

Princesslouise02

Ohh dear it sounds like your having a really hard time but don’t worry you have people who care about you on here try on Christmas Day just to go in your room look at if the window and try and breathe and then try and shower and brush your teeth maybe the day before that choose coloure which you love and put something like that on which reminds you of the coloure and don’t worry I understand about sucide as my mams brother done it too himself so I understand how you feel and if you don’t want to speek to your mum and your family that’s okay maybe put a film on upstairs and watch it I know this will be tough for you but trust me it will get better maybe journal and write your thoughts of how the day has went and when you wake up on Christmas Day do some breathing mediation to make you feel calm don’t ever feel like your worthless or a freak cause you are not if they don’t want to be in your life so what you have people who do care about you so I won’t let it worry you and you have us on here which you can speek to even probally on Christmas Day espovslky me so don’t worry cause things will get better trust me keep your chin up but try and go out for a walk even at the beach take in all the sense of smells the surrounding of the nature it will help

Princesslouise02

But I’m here if you ever want to chat