Another disability day

Lucy_21

All my life things have been different because of my disabilities and as a kid this hardly bothered me but as I get older I'm noticing more and more how different I am. It gets to me more now and on the days I'm struggling mentally physically or emotionally with it I call them disability days. Today is one of them (mentally thankfully) but I always feel guilty for feeling this way as I was revived three times as a baby and was suppose to be completely dependant like no talking moving on my own nothing so feel like I'm too lucky to feel like this but that just makes me feel worse. I'm only posting it because it's usually one off day every so often but I've been like this for solid weeks now

briannat

Hey there Lucy 21,

I'm Brianna I just want to say you have every right to feel the way that you do when it comes to your disabilities. It impacts your everyday life and the world is pretty ableist so I imagine this is something you're confronted with on a daily basis. It's positive that you're able to recognize when certain days are feeling overwhelming and naming them disability days. What do you do on these days to accommodate yourself? Do you have other accommodations and support in place for you?

Being revived three times as a baby is no easy feat, I'm so glad you're here It's hard to control our emotions but we can certainly choose how to react to those emotions coming up, remember you are human. You're allowed to feel however it is you feel. Be kind and gentle to yourself

Lucy_21

Thank you @briannat and yes unfortunate it is. I created the name with friends as I’m not good at admitting when things are hard so it became our sort of code word. On theses days I tend to just read in bed or write stories as that is my coping.

It’s not just physically I have issues ither I have depression and anxiety too, as well as prossesing problems. Making it hard to stay out of my head sometimes

briannat

Hey Lucy21,

I love that you were able to come up with this code word with your friends . There's something about that, that seems really important. To be connected in this way with people who care about you.

Your coping mechanisms sound so soft and calming, I know reading in bed is an amazing way to distract myself and focus on something that grabs my full attention and lets me immerse myself into another world. Also writing is amazing, what talent it must take to delve into that.

Depression and anxiety can feel so debilitating. I can really relate to that feeling of it being hard to stay out of your head. I wonder if you have support for this? I know speaking with my therapist and mental health team makes a difference in how I manage my own depression.

I know it's been a few days since you last made this post. How are you doing at the moment?

Lucy_21

@briannat first sorry for the late response enternet problems but thank you it really has helped some days as I can just say two words and they know. I’m obsessed with reading always have been and a few years ago developed the love for writing too. The words are kind of freeing to me as I can forget my world for a while and create a new one.

They are awful at times but thankfully they aren’t that bad right now now I can talk to my friends again. No I don’t have much support other than my friends as parents don’t believe I have them so just have to use what I can for now.

I’m doing a bit better now thank you, I’m having more off days lately but I think that’s just a winter thing.

briannat

No worries about the late response! I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. I'm sorry that your parents don't seem to validate your experiences, that can be quite frustrating and hurtful. It sounds like you have a beautiful relationship with your friends I can definitely relate to the winter thing influencing your mood. That's so real. Even though the weather can be quite gloomy, it helps to be around people who love and care about you. I hope that's the case for you. Sometimes even listening to a podcast or watching some vlogs on youtube can help to combat those feelings of something being "off".

Lucy_21

I’m really grateful for my life I really am as I almost lost it a few times but I just wish I felt “normal” sometimes and have one day I don’t feel sick one way or another.

I love my little sister to pieces but at times I envy her wich I feel bad about as a Christian but she has so much more freedom, respect and responsibility than me. She’s even starting in the field of work I have dreamed about since a child but realized after college isn’t possible. Heath and social care, she wants to be a teacher while I wanted to be a midwife. I’m so super proud of her I really am but I’m literally crying writing this because I feel like I’ve failed. Failed at being a midwife, a Christian and a sister. I’m not supposed to feel like this towards my little sister when she’s doing so well like this but I can’t help it. It’s getting worse how I feel every day seeing her doing everything my disability won’t let me and I’m always going to love and be proud of her and I know it’s selfish and stupid but in my head I should have already done this stuff and should be at least be on training right now as a midwife or close but I don’t even have a job while she’s on track to her proffetion, an amazing boyfriend literally just waiting to be old enough to marry her and yes I love him and I’m so happy for her but I’m on my own and my family far from respect me I know they say they don’t but all they see now I’ve left college with no just or boyfriend that I’m just the inconvenience they will have to look after even at my age (21) and I’m starting to think I’ll be stuck at this stage forever.

Lord this post is the most chaotic and pathetic thing I’ve posted but I feel like I’m going to burst