Reported my mother to the police, had a small update (TW but no abuse details mentioned)

Distraction

I reported my mother to the police about eight months ago, for historical child abuse, they've been gathering evidence and have now set a date to interview her soon.

I can't help but think she'll get away with it or kill herself before they talk to her, the police officer asked what outcome I wanted, I said prison, even six months (it wouldn't be long enough, but it'd be something)

All key witnesses are dead, my auntie (dads side), my nan (mothers side) and one of my sister (my other sister is still alive but my mother and her were rather close as far as I know)

I don't know if eight months of investigation means they've gathered a lot or if it's taken so long because there's hardly anything to find

I want her in prison so that I know it was bad, I'm tired that I just kept thinking it was all ok, I want to be able to say what my mother put us through was bad enough that she served time and it wasn't nothing.

I'm still living with it today, I'm so fucked up lol and I don't blame it all on her, I never even use to blame any of it on her and I'm responsible for my own healing and actions as an adult but man, it'd be nice to have a clear head

Maybe if she gets charged I could finally put it behind me

I guess the other side to this is the guilt, as much as I'm replacing it with hate to a degree, I keep thinking back to when I was a kid, telling her I'd never leave her, I'd always be there for her, I even felt it, like I whole bodily wanted to protect her, I feel like a hypocrite

amy02

Gosh @Distraction sending you a big virtual hug right now, I'm so sorry this happened to you This must have been so difficult to go through and I can't imagine how hard it must be to deal with the complicated emotions the investigation has brought up. You are so so brave for reporting it and sharing this with us - we're here to listen.

I can definitely understand your need for closure and wanting to move on from this. I'm not sure what the length of investigation will mean, but you deserve to be heard and your hurt to be recognised. I really hope the process goes smoothly, we're here for you

Sian321

Hey @Distraction thank you so much for this post and for opening up about what's been going on. I can hear just how exhausting this whole process has been, and I can imagine you're feeling such a mixture of emotions as your mother's interview with the police approaches. Eight months is a long time to have to wait and it feels like you really, really want to be able to put this behind you now and to free yourself up to think about the future

You mentioned it's been hard at times to feel legitimate in your expereinces, and I got the sense that your mother's conviction would feel validating, perhaps, because it would help to confirm that what your mother put you through was bad enough. I hear what you're saying, and at the same time, it sounds so hard for there to have been a part of you that perhaps finds it difficult to believe that your experience was in fact bad 'enough' to warrant support and care, or to feel as though you need to prove it or justify what you've endured. Would that be fair to say? That's so hard, and you deserve to be believed and to have your trauma taken seriously. I can hear just how deeply her treatment has affected you, and it sounds exhausting to still be coming to terms with the impact of this now. What kind of support have you had to process your experiences and feel heard?

Thank you for letting us know too about the guilt you feel. Again, that is so valid, and I can imagine it feels like being torn in two pieces sometimes - one part being that full-body desire to protect her that you felt as a child, and the other being your wish to protect yourself now and seek justice. Both of these two things can be true at once. And it sounds like you've been doing your very best to survive and make sense of a really emotionally complex relationship. I hope you can offer yourself some grace @Distraction . How have you been taking care of yourself recently?

Keep us posted if you wish to, and we're all here for you.