Guess I’m struggling

Rose113

I’ve been bottling stuff up lately especially because of a lot of stuff and the fear of opening up and not knowing what will happen but idk I guess I’m just really struggling with everything.

I had another passing of a friend earlier this week which has just left me wondering so many things. College hasn’t been the best either, I’ve been put on intervention for my attendance and I’m struggling with learning despite being down for learning difficulties there isn’t enough funding for a learning support TA person like I’ve had in the past so that’s making it difficult

I need to go back to my doctor again as I’m becoming kinda worried but I’m waiting till next week to get an appointment. I’ve been due to speak to the student mentor about my mental health (this was planned before half term) but she’s too busy which is fine I suppose because I don’t even know what I’d tell her

Since I’ve been reconnecting with my real mum and brothers I thought I would of been happier than before but I’m not, I am for a short period of time but then I just fall apart, me and mum have been having deep conversations at night which has been nice but I’m too scared to tell her so much.

Things at home are changing, my grandmas heath is declining and my current guardian is quitting her job meaning it’s all gonna be so different soon especially as she said she will be home a lot more which is ehhhhh.

As some know I was having an issue with my kooth worker where she missed 3 weeks of chat with no messages or nothing and then I got a message to say she won’t be around for awhile and the person who told me that wants me to talk to a different person for support but I just feel like what’s the point, I showed up too 3 weeks of chats and checked my account every day for a message which I know stuff can happen in the background but it’s frustrating yk what I mean, it’s frustrating that it took nearly 4 weeks for someone to tell me what was going on

I’m safe but sh urges have been on my mind and I know I can’t do it but those thoughts are there and I guess will be for awhile, it’s just hard. Very hard and I’m just shutting everyone away because I don’t know what to do anymore or how Im meant to feel, I can’t pin an emotion on what I’m feeling, I feel something but nothing at the same time

I think my real mum is a bit worried about me too, she will ask if I’m okay 5 times a day at random times because she knows I’m not okay, I’m never okay. She’s trying to help me, she says I remind her of herself when she was little

Sian321

Hey @Rose113 , thanks so much for posting.

It sounds like you've been having to carry so much on your own lately, bottling up all these feelings and worries because it's frightening to open up and to not know how people will respond. I'm so glad that you can put some of your worries into writing here, and hopefully, lift some of that weight off your chest a little bit. We always want to know what you're going through

We're so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, @Rose113 . That's heartbreaking, and a huge amount to wrap your head around. I suppose I'm also just thinking about the fact that you've lost other friends too in the past, and what it might be like to be grieving all over again. That's a lot to cope with. Would it feel helpful to tell us a bit about them, or share a memory from your friendship together? I'd love to hear about them if you'd like to share.

You mentioned that you're feeling worried and need to get back to your doctor again. It feels positive that you're acknowledging this and wanting to ask for help, though I'm really sorry your student mentor hasn't been available and that you had to go a whole month at Kooth without any explanation about where your support worker had gone. I can imagine that felt so dissapoinnting It feels like overall you've had to deal with a lot of inconsistency in the support you're getting - would that be fair to say? What's the latest with your student mentor? Have they let you know when they might next be able to see you?

Thank you for letting us know about your grandma's health too, @Rose113 . That feels really sad to hear her health is declining, and I can hear your worry. How do you feel about the new guardian?

I'm glad to hear that you feel safe, although I hear too that your SH urges have been coming back which sounds difficult. It's okay to not know how to name or pin-down your emotions right now. I can imagine it's such an overwhelming mixture. How do you imagine your mum might react if you were to tell her you're not okay?

Keep us posted, @Rose113 . We'll be here for you each step of the way

Rose113

@Sian321 i feel so done with everything, like I want to cry which pathetically im crying writing this, I’m just wondering so many things, the past the future, just everything, my head feels like a whizzing mess

Sian321

Ah @Rose113 that sounds so overwhelming. We're here with you, and it's so okay to cry That doesn't make you pathetic. It feels like you're really needing to express these feelings and to get a release. Everything feels so tangled and messy right now.

What is your day looking like right now? I wonder what your evening will be like, and whether there's anyone around you?

We're here. I'm sending you the biggest hug

Rose113

@Sian321 barely done anything all day, I sat in the bath with my duvet and watched a film, I have college work to do later

Hugs

Sian321

@Rose113 , it sounds like today has been one of those days that's been about surviving, and that is absolutely okay. You're balancing so much right now, and it sounds like you really needed that cosy film and to curl up under the duvet in a way that made you feel safe

What kind of college work do you have on this evening? What subjects are you studying right now?

This is a song that I hope can bring you some comfort whilst you study if you need - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pbg4YMGmhUk

Rose113

@Sian321 i have media work to do, I’m kinda behind on it, I also might do math work as I started last night but I ended up drawing spider man for my brother (you can see if you want)

I’m FaceTiming mum tonight and a couple of my brothers at 6 which I’m kinda scared for. Mum just told me to annoy my brothers like I usually do so I’m sure it’ll be fine

Thank you, I’ll have a listen

Sian321

@Rose113 I'd love to see the spiderman you drew - yes please!

That also feels really significant that you're calling your brothers and mum too. Is that something you've ever done before with them? Thinking of you and all the feelings that might be bringing up. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. You've had to contend with so much change lately, which can be a lot.

You're doing so, so good talking about it all and reaching out for help

Rose113

@Sian321 i might have to send it later on but then you can see it next time your on cos I’ll just add it to my thread.

I have a sort of before; it’s kinda complicated. I have FaceTimed with mum, D, J1 and P before but I’m slowly reconnecting with J2 so tonight calling with mum, J2 and P, it’s gonna be awkward at first as me and J2 went through so much together when we were little so we lost that bond when I moved away. Me and J2 were known as the terrible 2 lmao. But mum is helping me with doing it so that’s good as she knows I’m scared

Thank you

Sian321

No rush at all @Rose113 ! Good luck with your media work for college.

I see what you mean too - that sounds nerve-wracking, and it makes total sense that it feels complicated and a bit scary. I can imagine that these reunions feel really emotionally-loaded, and I'm so glad that your mum's holding that in mind too and looking out for you.

Whatever happens, I hope you can do something super gentle and nice for yourself afterwards.

We'll be here

Rose113

Thank you @Sian321

Here’s the drawing

Sian321

Love it so much @Rose113 ! This is amazing!! Your brother's so lucky to have this!

Rose113

thank you @Sian321

Amy22

Rose113 wrote: »

Thank you @Sian321

Here’s the drawing

Oh wow that drawing is super amazing. Your really talented and skilled. I love your work so so much. Im sure your brother will like the drawing as well too .

Rose113

TW// self harm (safe)

I relapsed with my self harm

amy02

So sorry to hear that @Rose113 I hope you are safe? How has today been for you? We are all here for you through this difficult period

Rose113

@amy02 yeah I’m safe, I’m gonna make another thread about todays events