This is probably going to sound very silly and stupid

Amy22

So I know I dont really post on here as much to be fair as you often see me normally doing the opposite, responding and helping others on here which is what I normally do. But this time I guess I needed to write something down to get it off my chest.

You all probably know that I am neurodiverse and that I identify as AuHD (Autistic and ADHD), and that I am quite a kid at heart. I love playing games especially online multiplayer games. Recently I got into playing a game on crazygames called Bloxd.io. So Bloxd.io is like Minecraft except you can basically go on there to play and also chat to to others (Its really a game for all ages even though really its a kids game). I go on there to roleplay as my comfort characters most of the time and I have added quite a few people on there despite using guest mode as I havent properly created an account on there. I just feel a bit silly that I still play kids game because of my age. I should be adulting and doing adult things not playing stupid kids game and being friends with people younger than me. Sometimes I find people do mention their ages on there and like I hate when that happens because you shoulden't really tell your age online (I have almost fallen into doing this mistake sometimes). I feel like there's something wrong with me sometimes (like there's a child inside my adult body). Im physically an adult but mentally im still a child and I find I get on better with younger people. Im thinking maybe I need to stop playing this game. (I know that today someone asked to be friends but I thought they meant in the roleplay but irl and they said their age and I was nope). Then they got confused. God hate myself sometimes.

kaii

Hey @Amy22, thank you for sharing this with us - this doesn't sound stupid and silly at all.

I just want to say that you shouldn't feel guilty at all for playing games, especially when they bring you lots of joy. There's no shame in being a kid at heart - I think it's great to see the world from this perspective - after all we have one life to enjoy. Doing what you enjoy makes up a lot of your identity. There's a lot of people similar to you including myself, I like watching object shows on YouTube even though I find the idea of objects talking and being well written quite funny, and I still really like watching cartoons more than shows/movies involving real life people.

It looks like you've recognised that you're no longer a kid anymore, and that in life, we take more responsibilities as we grow up. I'm here to tell you that it's definitely possible to partake in hobbies and adult at the same time - adulting can be quite scary and overwhelming sometimes, which is why we may find ourselves doing things which help us escape from this feeling, like drawing or listening to music. Playing games is not something to be ashamed of - you don't have to give up doing this for the sake of adulting.

I'd say achieving a balance between responsibility and finding time to engage in what makes you happy (no matter how childish it might seem to others) is great way to live life. I feel like it's manageable to take on responsibility one step at a time - there's no rush to adult at all, opportunities for growth will come naturally to us

Sending hugs,

Kai

Sian321

Hey @Amy22 , thanks so much for posting this, and I suppose I just want to recognise too how it may have felt vulnerable to open up, as I can hear you say it might sound silly or stupid. Just as @kaii has said, none of what you've written sounds silly at all. I'm so glad that you chose to talk about this here. We want to listen

From what you've described, it sounds like you're dealing with quite a lot of shame around feeling like there's a child-self within your body, or enjoying playing games that people younger than you also enjoy. Is that right? I hear you, Amy, and that feeling of 'is there something wrong with me' can be *such* a vulnerable and skin-crawly feeling to have sometimes. I wonder what makes you feel like having this 'inner child' part of you might be 'wrong'? What do you feel would be a more 'right' way to be?

From where I'm standing, it doesn't sound like you've been doing or feeling anything wrong at all, and it feels really beautiful that you've managed to find a way to connect to your inner child and find the comfort you're needing. I know for me, for example, esspecially when I'm anxious watching movies like Paddington 2 or Moana (typically created for children!) feels so cosy and helpful.

If it would feel helpful to explore together, what it's like for you to feel like you're still mentally a child sometimes? What do you think that child-part of you needs right now?

Sending hugs, @Amy22

Amy22

Aw thank you both I really appreciate it a lot, I guess becuase I also have autism and adhd I feel like that makes me become hyperfixated on games, specifically ones from childhood and stuff. I think its really me who is being too hard on myself recently. Also its the fact this online chat game I play is like for under 18's really and im 22 and I think like me roleplaying is a bit strange at times.