Low self esteem and Virginity

HensAny779

Hello everyone,

Hope you are all well!

This is my first post on here so I apologise if this is in the wrong thread.

So here is some quick context, I am currently 25 (male) and a final year Physics PhD student.

All my life I have struggled with body image issues, never had any form of confidence within myself as I got bullied in school quite a lot and most of my family and friends did make fun of my appearance and especially after knowing the fact that my virginity is still in tact.

Due to this lack of confidence I never had the courage to approach any women. When I started university this was not that much of an issue but as the years went by that feeling of being left behind became more and more intense as most of my friends were getting into relationships. Now I am the only one that is single within my friendship group so I tend to not go to out with them much as well I look like an absolute loser and also I have the mindset of "Since I have been single all my life then I am too ugly to be able to attend social events". I have been this isolated for quite some time and as expected this has brought quite intense and daily suicidal thoughts, and the reason they come up is always the same... "I am so ugly and don't deserve love so I should probably kill myself".

Since April I have been quite obsessed with the gym, I still only go at really quiet times so people don't have to look at my disgusting face but it has somewhat helped me. I lost a significant amount of weight and I do feel better in the mirror. However, I genuinely feel like this is too little too late, most of my family and friends say that I may look more presentable but I shouldn't get too confident as no women would be dumb enough to date a 25 year old virgin loser like me. Since these kind of comments I have been really critical especially comparing myself to others, I have stopped going out completely... only to go to the gym and for teaching the undergraduate labs. At this point I feel completely inferior to everyone because of my lack of relationship experience.

The reason I originally made this post was to essentially ask if life is even worth it from this point? Like I know I am going to be single forever so should I just kill myself? My family have told me multiple times to kill myself, this usually happens when I try to ask for help or just some advice with my mental health problems. I guess they see that I am too weak and maybe giving me genuine advice that will help me and most importantly the people around me.

I am sorry if this post came across as cringeworthy or self-centred. Also, sorry for making this so long.

I would just like to point out that I am not making any form of excuses or blaming anyone within this post, I just need to get some advice in my situation and helps me vent a little.

Any advice would be more than appreciated

Take care!

stardust444

@HensAny779 im so sorry you’ve been feeling like this, and don’t worry none of what you said sounded self centred or cringe, i completely get where you’re coming from. i would also say your family doesn’t have the right at all to tell you those things, you ARE worthy of love and you deserve it, no matter what they say. also you are not ‘too weak’ in anyway for experiencing these feelings, they are completely valid❤️

in terms of advice, im a bit younger so I wouldn’t know exactly what to say, but i do know that even if it may feel like it, virginity is nothing to be ashamed of and it’s also not as significant as people make it (as in there are other wonderful parts of life that are equally if not more important in the grand scheme of things) however i do understand how the pressure can feel and why this is making you feel upset.

also your family is completely wrong, there is someone out there who is perfect for you, don’t let them bring you down like that. i hope you’re doing okay ❤️

Sian321

Hey @HensAny779 , thank you for your post, and welcome to the Boards too. I'm really glad you're here

I really appreciate you opening up about your struggles with your body image as well as being made fun of by family and friends for your appearance and virginity. Firstly, that just sounds so painful, and no one has a right to bully you in this way. I feel really sad to hear how their words have impacted how you see yourself - that's extreamly hard. And it seems like recently this has also lead you to question what's the point in staying alive.

May I ask, @HensAny779 , how have you been keeping yourself safe when these thoughts of suicide do become very loud? In those hard moments, has there been anything or anyone that's eased those feelings?

I'll list a few places below that are here for you if ever you do feel suicidal. You deserve to not have to face those feelings alone:

https://www.papyrus-uk.org/
https://www.themix.org.uk/get-support/speak-to-our-team/crisis-messenger
https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan

How would it feel to reach out to one of those places?

I heard you say too that your family sometimes tell you that you should kill yourself, which again, sounds extreamly hurtful. Would you feel comfortable telling us a bit more about your living situation at the moment, and how safe you're feeling there?

There can be so much stigma in society sometimes around being single or the concept of 'virginity', and I really recognise how heavy that can be and how it can change the ways we think and feel about ourselves. I can relate to that personally. It can create so much shame. It sounds like you're really despairing, and your feelings deserve to be taken seriously and listened to

Keep us posted, @HensAny779 and we're here for you. You're doing so well to reach out and talk about this.

HensAny779

Thank you both for the advice I really appreciate it

I think the issue is that well at this point I am in the mindset of there is no hope for the future... specifically in terms of finding a partner. More on the suicidal thoughts, I don't really have anything in place that helps me deal with them appropriately. I have been given many numbers that I can call but it is so daunting to me, I just don't know how to begin the conversation... I have called various helplines and just instantly put the phone down out of fear. Also, I am pretty sure there is people that far more in need of them helplines than me as my reason is just cause I am really lonely... which simply is my fault. Any advice on dealing with this would be appreciated

Orchid059

Hi @HensAny779 I can hear how you are hurting and it must be so exhausting for you to carry these thoughts. I'd just like to say that you are important and you matter. How you look physically isn't everything for a partner so don't lose hope. Someone will come along who appreciates you for you.

Regarding your thoughts that life isn't worth living. Do these thoughts come on a lot? It sounds like you're experiencing some heavy thoughts and feelings here. I can understand these crisis numbers may be daunting to call and that's normal to feel that way, but they are there if you need them and you're not any less deserving to use these services than anyone else.

Is there anything you enjoy doing that makes you feel a bit better when you have these thoughts? Such as watching films, listening to music? Do you have any close friends that you feel like you could open up to about this? I'd like to remind you that you're not alone in how you are feeling.

We are here to support you so make sure to continue reaching out

HensAny779

Hi @Orchid059 Thanks for your message!

To answer your question about the suicidal thoughts, I have these sort of feelings multiple times some more intense than others but everyday I kind of treat as my last day so I am quite pessimistic for the future. Nothing really distracts me by from these thoughts I just have to wait and see but I know within that sort of dark mindset it is hard for me to actually have a reason to stay you know... I guess that could be a thing to explore... Seeing what I actually have to look forward because at the moment I definitely don't see anything good in the future which probably makes suicide such a convincing option.

I don't really have anything that I get joy from to be honest at this point. I was going to say I do enjoy going to the gym and working out but I have turned that into such a toxic habit, over the past couple of months I kind of mentally constructed of what I should look like in my head and to achieve that I have been starving myself for multiple days at a time, weighing myself at least 15 times a day, restricting my fluids and started to research on steroids. In my head I feel like if my body looks perfect then maybe I will deserve love one day.

I do have friends and I have approached them with my problems and asking for advice but I just get mocked for it so I don't really trust anyone at this point.

amy02

Hi @HensAny779 these heavy feelings must be so difficult to deal with - we're here for you to talk through them You don't deserve to be bullied this way or be mocked for expressing your most vulnerable emotions, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Echoing what has been said above, the concept of virginity seems to have so many unnecessary stigmas attached to it. Sexual experience and physical appearance absolutely do not define your worth or ability to be loved. There will be someone for you.
You are so strong and brave for sharing these thoughts with us and getting through these emotions, you are not alone in this

HensAny779

Hi @amy02 Thank you for your comment I really appreciate the kind words

Sunshine12

hey @HensAny779 i'm sorry to hear about all these feelings ur experiencing, that must rrly take a toll on u. I just wanted to give u some perspective from someone who experiences very similar feelings of self-consciousness (except female), the hardest thing u have to do is separate ur self-worth from what other ppl think of u, no matter how perfect u look, ppl still find ways to criticise u, until u feel happy in urself no one else will, ur worth is NOT defined by other ppl, and u being a virgin doesn't make u worth less just as how ppl who have lost their virginity aren't any better than those who haven't. I understand it makes u feel very anxious when u know everyone else around u has already lost it but u can't let that get to u, it's not the most important thing in the world to lose ur virginity, in fact it's not that important at all when put into perspective, u have a great future ahead of u and ur clearly very intelligent, someone will see that and will love that about u. As for the gym it's great that you've started going but pls don't overwork yourself, you'll only end up with less energy and feeling more tired -> in return feeling worse about urself, remember no one achieves a 'perfect' body after one gym session, it takes monthsss to see even small progress, and most of the time u can't see ur progress urself cause ur so fixated on ur own flaws, but i can assure u that other ppl will see the progress!! sending love

HensAny779

Hi @Sunshine12 Thank you for your message you are too kind I appreciate it! Much love

JMMV2005

@HensAny779 First of all no one has a right to tell you to kill yourself, especially your own family, you are worthy of life because your a good person, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise

Secondly there will be women out there who sees you for the good person you are and will love you for it, obviously it can be difficult to find these people but I guarantee you their out there because there are always good people and always will be

So don’t give up on life, no matter how hopeless it seems and no matter what the odds are there is always hope, and it’s worth living for, just like good can’t get rid of all evil evil can’t get rid of all good, so like I said there’s still hope and will always be hope so don’t give up

I wish you the best of luck in your life to come, you’ve got this