(Mentions of suicidal ideation) What the fuck is wrong with me?

bignosegirly0

For probably two years now, I've been constantly dreading about how I'll never find love (due to years of men pulling me down for being ugly and never experiencing any romantic experiences). I constantly cry about how I'll never mean anything in this world, how I dread being alone in my fifties and would rather be dead. And as I'm going through this emotional episode, crying my heart out, I suddenly view this thought process of "I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life" in a neutral/emotionless manner. My intense crying just stops in an instance and I feel calm again.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Gemma

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way @bignosegirly0 - it sounds incredibly painful to carry these thoughts and fears around. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed, especially when you’ve been through so much hurt and haven’t felt seen or valued in the ways you deserve.

Sometimes, when we're in deep emotional pain, our minds find ways to cope, and that can sometimes look like detaching from the intensity of those emotions. It might feel confusing, but it can be a way of finding a break from all that hurt, even if it’s temporary.

Have you noticed if there are specific triggers for these thoughts?

I'm also aware you expressed some heavy feelings there around living - can I ask if you feel as though you can keep yourself safe at the minute?

Remember there are lots of services out there that you can reach out to for support:

Crisis Messenger (24/7) | text THEMIX to 85258
Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
Childline | call 0800 11 11

bignosegirly0

@Gemma these thoughts aren't triggered most of the time, and are just automatic thought processes that appears when I wake up. Obviously, there can be times where bullies can trigger me. But even when I'm alone and doing work, it can still pop up.

Also, I am able to keep myself safe. The main thing that's stopping me from acting on these thoughts is the fact that most suicide attempts end up unsuccessful and can lead to life-lasting disabilities. As much as I don't want to carry on, I don't want to risk making things worse.

amy02

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with such heavy and difficult feelings @bignosegirly0 We're here for you, and you absolutely do deserve to be heard and valued. Echoing what's written above, perhaps this feeling of detachment is a way of your mind coping with these fears and emotions?
Sending hugs