I'm just tired

Chloe234

I'm so so fucking tired 💔 It's too hard to pretend that I'm okay when I'm really really not. I'm laying here in bed alone in tears because it's all just so hard. I've been trying for so long just to look like I'm okay and just to be okay yet it's just taken everything from me. I relapsed yesterday with my self harm (safe) but I just had to get up and carry on like nothing had happened.

I'm so hurt and broken on the inside too hut I'm trying to just build up a wall and be okay and I'm just so tired. It's like I'm on a tightrope and one wrong step will make me fall 💔 why can't I be okay

eylah

ik things are tough for you rn chloe but your doing your best every day. ik you are tired of feeling rubbish and im truly sry you are having to go through this daily but you are trying every day thats inspiring bc its hard but you are trying to make a better life for yourself. im rly proud of you chloe you are a inspiration you deserve the most amazing life ik it will come just take time. hugs 🫂

Chloe234

@eylah

Katie

Hey @Chloe234 How are you feeling today? Did you manage to get much sleep? I'm hearing how exhausting it can be to pretend like everything is okay when really it isn't. It sounds like you're using so much energy daily. Be gentle with yourself Chloe, you're doing the best you can. It's okay to let it out - you might find it feels a bit like a release.

Chloe234 wrote: »

I relapsed yesterday with my self harm (safe) but I just had to get up and carry on like nothing had happened.

Thank you for letting us know you're safe It can be so difficult to get up the next day and pretend like nothing has happened, when really everything is weighing on you. You are doing so well to keep going and putting on a brave face, but remember there is only so much a person can take and still pretend like they're doing fine. I can see how self-aware you are to reach out and say you're struggling. Denying your feelings and keeping them in unfortunately won't make them go away. Reaching out and asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Your mental health matters so much Chloe and I hope talking about it might help you even if it's just a little bit - whether that's in support circle, support chat or here on the boards.

Chloe234 wrote: »

I'm so hurt and broken on the inside too hut I'm trying to just build up a wall and be okay and I'm just so tired. It's like I'm on a tightrope and one wrong step will make me fall 💔 why can't I be okay

We're here for you Chloe and you have people who will try to catch you if you fall, including us. I wanted to ask what kind of support you have at the moment if you feel okay sharing? I'm aware you've been through quite a lot particularly in the last week that must've brought up so many different emotions. I hope you can lean on the people around you. Try and give yourself the same care and energy you would give to others. You deserve it Chloe, I promise you

Chloe234

Thankyou @Katie

Im honestly still really struggling but im trying. I ended up in a crisis this morning but managed to get out of it safe. I relapsed again with my self harm but im safe and im trying to keep it as a win that thats all i did. I got about 6 hours sleep in the end which isnt awful i guess, i wish i slept longer tho because its an escape and the only escape i get from everything.

Im just so disapointed about how ive fallen back into this pit that i fought so hard to get out of. Its so hard being back in this place </3 Im home alone today too which has made things harder. Ive asked dad if i can go for a surf later tonight to try and have something to look forward too or atleast take my mind of everything else because ill be thinking about how itll go if anything considering the last time i went.

I dont really have much. I have here and then ive got this online CBT thing CAMHS wanted me to do and ive got a supporter on there but she was off sick last week so missed the check in and also its not really helping atm. I started to talk to college but were on half term now so i have no one on that part.

Im just tired

Chloe234

Well the idea of a surf is out the window because dad wants to go elsewhere to do the food shop and get dinner. Just gonna lie in bed alone.

Katie

Chloe234 wrote: »

Im honestly still really struggling but im trying. I ended up in a crisis this morning but managed to get out of it safe. I relapsed again with my self harm but im safe and im trying to keep it as a win that thats all i did.

Exactly Chloe you're still trying. I hear you when you say you're keeping it as a win as that's all you did. I'm happy you're still safe. I care about you Chloe It's really good you're still able to reflect on it with a positive mindset. It's so normal to feel negative emotions like guilt or shame after relapsing, but being able to tell yourself that yourself that that's all you did shows your strength. Recovery is a process and sometimes relapsing is part of that process.

Chloe234 wrote: »

Well the idea of a surf is out the window because dad wants to go elsewhere to do the food shop and get dinner. Just gonna lie in bed alone.

I'm sorry you're not able to go for a surf today I know how much you love it and I bet it would've been a good distraction. Now you're on half term do you think you could make some plans in this time to try get out and surf? Like you said that would give you something to look forward to!

What are you up to today now you're home alone? Do you have any favourite self-care activities you could do? My favourite is turning my phone off, putting on a comfort film (How to train your dragon obviously!), and having some yummy snacks or a hot cuppa.

Chloe234 wrote: »

I dont really have much. I have here and then ive got this online CBT thing CAMHS wanted me to do and ive got a supporter on there but she was off sick last week so missed the check in and also its not really helping atm. I started to talk to college but were on half term now so i have no one on that part.

The online CBT CAMHS have recommended sounds good, what do you think? It's a shame the supporter was off sick last week and you're not finding it's helpful atm. When would you next be able to check in with her? Do you think you would be able to discuss with her why you think it's not working at the moment? I'm also so proud of you for starting to talk to college Chloe. That's a huge step and it takes so much courage to open up like that. After half term I hope you'll be able to keep talking to them so they can support you

Chloe234

Thankyou again @Katie

I just wish i wasnt back to feeling this way.

Im staying in bed a fair bit but im also making these mini little DIY pumpkins to keep my mind and hands busy. Heres a couple ive done so far:


Ive just got the series "Lost" from netflix playing on the side so im just kinda waiting for my sister to get home from college osmetime after half 4 then i can say ive made it through the day because when theres people around i dont feel things are usually as bad. (love the mention of how to train your dragon)

Idk i mean its better than nothing. She actually checked in a little earlier and called me for a chat. Im still not fully comfy with opening up to her though as i havent met her or anything yet. I think she said that shes going to try boook a room in college November 6th in the afternoon but for now shes gonna call me this time next week to check in again and have a chat. Its starting to get annoying with how its always called "Low mood" and nothing more even though its pretty clear im depressed. I think im gonna wait it out before saying anything about it not working as maybe when i meet her itll get better.

We're going out tonight to get a mcdonalds and to do a food shop but i really cant be bothered atm. I just wanna curl up in bed and never come out