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I'm just tired
Chloe234
Community Champion Posts: 3,545 Community Veteran
I'm so so fucking tired 💔 It's too hard to pretend that I'm okay when I'm really really not. I'm laying here in bed alone in tears because it's all just so hard. I've been trying for so long just to look like I'm okay and just to be okay yet it's just taken everything from me. I relapsed yesterday with my self harm (safe) but I just had to get up and carry on like nothing had happened.
I'm so hurt and broken on the inside too hut I'm trying to just build up a wall and be okay and I'm just so tired. It's like I'm on a tightrope and one wrong step will make me fall 💔 why can't I be okay
I'm so hurt and broken on the inside too hut I'm trying to just build up a wall and be okay and I'm just so tired. It's like I'm on a tightrope and one wrong step will make me fall 💔 why can't I be okay
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
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Comments
Thank you for letting us know you're safe
We're here for you Chloe and you have people who will try to catch you if you fall, including us. I wanted to ask what kind of support you have at the moment if you feel okay sharing? I'm aware you've been through quite a lot particularly in the last week that must've brought up so many different emotions. I hope you can lean on the people around you. Try and give yourself the same care and energy you would give to others. You deserve it Chloe, I promise you
Im honestly still really struggling but im trying. I ended up in a crisis this morning but managed to get out of it safe. I relapsed again with my self harm but im safe and im trying to keep it as a win that thats all i did. I got about 6 hours sleep in the end which isnt awful i guess, i wish i slept longer tho because its an escape and the only escape i get from everything.
Im just so disapointed about how ive fallen back into this pit that i fought so hard to get out of. Its so hard being back in this place </3 Im home alone today too which has made things harder. Ive asked dad if i can go for a surf later tonight to try and have something to look forward too or atleast take my mind of everything else because ill be thinking about how itll go if anything considering the last time i went.
I dont really have much. I have here and then ive got this online CBT thing CAMHS wanted me to do and ive got a supporter on there but she was off sick last week so missed the check in and also its not really helping atm. I started to talk to college but were on half term now so i have no one on that part.
Im just tired
I'm sorry you're not able to go for a surf today
What are you up to today now you're home alone? Do you have any favourite self-care activities you could do? My favourite is turning my phone off, putting on a comfort film (How to train your dragon obviously!), and having some yummy snacks or a hot cuppa.
The online CBT CAMHS have recommended sounds good, what do you think? It's a shame the supporter was off sick last week and you're not finding it's helpful atm. When would you next be able to check in with her? Do you think you would be able to discuss with her why you think it's not working at the moment? I'm also so proud of you for starting to talk to college Chloe. That's a huge step and it takes so much courage to open up like that. After half term I hope you'll be able to keep talking to them so they can support you
I just wish i wasnt back to feeling this way.
Im staying in bed a fair bit but im also making these mini little DIY pumpkins to keep my mind and hands busy. Heres a couple ive done so far:
Ive just got the series "Lost" from netflix playing on the side so im just kinda waiting for my sister to get home from college osmetime after half 4 then i can say ive made it through the day because when theres people around i dont feel things are usually as bad. (love the mention of how to train your dragon)
Idk i mean its better than nothing. She actually checked in a little earlier and called me for a chat. Im still not fully comfy with opening up to her though as i havent met her or anything yet. I think she said that shes going to try boook a room in college November 6th in the afternoon but for now shes gonna call me this time next week to check in again and have a chat. Its starting to get annoying with how its always called "Low mood" and nothing more even though its pretty clear im depressed. I think im gonna wait it out before saying anything about it not working as maybe when i meet her itll get better.
We're going out tonight to get a mcdonalds and to do a food shop but i really cant be bothered atm. I just wanna curl up in bed and never come out
I just started watched Lost!! What episode are you on, I’m on episode 4
Ah I love Lost I watched it twice! There's so many episodes will definitely keep you busy and it's a pretty good background watch. I'm glad you had your sister was with you last night. Did you end up going to mcdonalds and doing a food shop? It can be so comforting to spend time with our closest people, whether you're doing anything or nothing at all. Just being in the company of someone else can make a difference!
That's lovely she checked in but I hear you when you say you're struggling to open up to her as you haven't met her. It can be hard to build a connection and trust over the phone. Booking a room at the college in November sounds like a good plan Chloe and might give you something to work towards. It's great she's told you she'll be calling next week as well so you can have that scheduled in.
I'm hearing how frustrating that is that she keeps calling it "low mood". Have you spoken to her about how you feel when she calls it that or are you waiting until you meet her to say that too? Hopefully you'll be able to build more of a connection with her when you meet her in person and it might work a bit more for you. Sending you hugs Chloe
Thankyou, they popped up on my ticktock and i decided i should give them a go aha i think its bad though because ive become slightly obsessed
Hopefully itll be okay, thing is when i meet new people i always get really anxious about it and sometimes shut down and just wont talk. Like when i went t student services i had to get my PDT to come with me but because this isnt involved with the college im going to have to go alone and try to not shut down or anything.
I cant really mention it as i think she kinda has to call it low mood as im not officially diagnosed with depression. I just dont wanna get too attached to her either because i know eventually she'll have to leave just like everyone else and sometimes i can get too reliant
I hear you Chloe but it's so good how self-aware you are and you have an idea of how you may react. If you do shut down that's okay. Will you be having many in-person sessions with her? If so you might be able to build that bond and get a bit more comfortable with her over time!
It's also really good you're aware you may get attached. I wonder if there are any signs you could look out for that usually indicate you might be getting attached. Being able to recognise these signs early might help you to but barriers in place to prevent you from getting too reliant. What do you think?
I think she wants to have a few in person but i think she said she wants to do a few but theyve also got an intense CBT therapist assigned to me for when im ready and then i think he will start to see me and Alice (the one i have now) will still be there but probably step back a bit.
I think its usually just the want to talk to them more often or only wanting to talk to them is usually the bigger sign but its hard to set barriers when the only way really id do that is by turning around and getting rid of the support i have
It sounds like you have some good options then Chloe that's pretty positive! How are you feeling about the intense CBT therapist? It's really great they're waiting until you're ready. Sounds like you've got people in your corner who genuinely care about you, that's amazing! That sounds like a really good way to transition as well having Alice there at the start. You'll have someone with you that you'll have already built a bond with.
I hear you that it's hard to set barriers when the only way really is to turn around and get rid of the support. That's the last thing we want to happen Chloe because you really do deserve the support. At least in this case you have a bit of an idea of what'll happen in the future. It sounds like you won't just be passed on from Alice to the CBT therapist. Instead, there will be a transition where you'll have both for a bit. I'm sure this will make the transition a lot smoother and you'll be able to manage your expectations a bit more.
I will!!
Im unsure. I spoke briefly to my old councellor when i bumped into her in a shop about it and shes told me about how its going to be really really hard and bring up a lot of my emotions all at once from my trauma. And honestly at the moment i dont know if i can mentally take all of that at the moment. I also struggle a lot with talking to males due to my past so thats a barrier ill need to try and face as im not gonna be complicated and say i dont want the one theyve already assigned to me. Especially because im probably lucky to even have this.
Yeah thats true. I just idk its all a bit like the "unknown" at the moment.