Long post / trauma dump . TW!!

Rose113

TW//

I give up with life at this point, no one actually gives a shit about you unless your in danger or unless you have “massive” problems and no one can even deny that because even the calm worker practically said that to me. I ain’t suicidal but I’m fucking done with the endless crap. It’s all fucking too much. The endless suicide list going up, the endless loosing of friends and increase in anniversary’s. My health is fucked up and doctors don’t give a crap. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe I am overthinking it. But either way something is fucking wrong with me!!

I’m trying, I’m fucking trying my god damn hardest but no one sees that, no one ever sees that. It’s so hard to be strong when all I do is break and cry. I’m drained, I’m tired, I’m hurting, I want to be loved, I want to be wanted. I hate who I am, I hate that I was born, I hate that I’m alone and I fucking hate me. Everyone thinks I’m okay and coping well just because I do poems but they don’t even touch close to how I’m feeling, they take the easy pain away, not the rest of the pain, not the guilt, not the fear, not the nightmares, nothing of the trauma.

I started opening up to my boyfriend and friend about my past and about my real parents but all it done is bring the pain back up. How is talking meant to be a “solution” and a part of “healing” when over and over and over it all just re shatters my heart, it continuously hurts my inner child, that little girl that nearly lost her life at 2 and 15 years old, that little girl that was given a horrible name that leaded to endless bullying for 10 years and that little girl that was given a permanent fear of water, that girl that hates the talk of alcohol and violence because of her parents. That little girl that grew up to age regress back to the ages of being abused. That little girl that has been forever misunderstood, that little girl that has had a broken heart for years, the little girl that has to deal with her childhood abuse articles online that hurt to read and hurt to hear half of the stuff that is said in them and for her parents to not even go to prison for what they had done. What about the girl that will forever blame herself for her dads death, what about the girl that found out her dad died 2 years after he passed away through facebook. What about the girl that had to grow up faster than she should have done.

So fucking sorry that my problems are tiny, so fucking sorry for my trust issues, so fucking sorry that everything scares me, I’m so fucking sorry that all I’ve ever done is walk into people’s lives and ruin it for them, I’m so fucking sorry okay!!!

I’m so fed up of having no purpose other than to be there for people everytime they need support, clearly I was born to be that friend, clearly I’m not meant to have anyone I can rely on other that A but I can’t continuesly dump everything on her. She can’t always be there for me either, she has a life too.

You know it’s funny I was once a little girl thinking she had her whole life ahead of her and thought life was “great” but soon that little girl lost her spark, her time in primary school destroyed that, her mum destroyed that, secondary school destroyed that, 8th of July 2022 destroyed me, the start of year 11 destroyed me, being attacked in the PE changing room just for looking at someone and then sitting there accepting what was happening because it felt deserved destroyed me, my English teacher destroyed me, that science teacher that picked on me just because my mum worked at the school destroyed me, that math teacher that said I was too dumb destroyed me, the person that sa me destroyed me, the person that manipulated me and gaslighted me destroyed me. My ED destroyed me, my learning difficulties destroyed me, my mental health destroyed me, self harm destroyed me.

So yes i am broken, dead mentally, messed up, and everything else but I’ve dealt/deal with enough to know that I have to have barriers so high to not get hurt, I can’t trust no one except one person who had been in my world for a few years but has never once hurted me, she taken so many endless nights to support me, she’s been there for the highs and the lows and has been forever patient, she’s never once got mad at me and has never once forced anything upon me like trust and yep after years, months, days, hours of her hard work and dedication she finally broke the barriers and I trust her with my whole world, I trust her with everything.

I’m just a girl that has had to deal with more than what she could handle from a young age, so many demons and monsters behind the scenes and so many stories and secrets that have never been told and never will. I’m a girl from a broken home and a broken world 💔

Sorry for the long stupid post

Rose113

I completely shut down this afternoon, ended up locking myself in the bathroom refusing to move off the window sill and now my teacher has made a referral to the wellbeing nurse. She put this on my log

I also told my sound teacher that I didn’t sleep at all last night because I was in peices 💔

amy02

Gosh @Rose113 I wish I could send you a big big hug right now The amount of things you've had to go through / are still going through sound so incredibly difficult to deal with and I can't imagine how it must feel for you. You are so right that you have had to deal with so much more than anyone should from such a young age.

I’m just a girl that has had to deal with more than what she could handle from a young age, so many demons and monsters behind the scenes and so many stories and secrets that have never

Just to say, you are so unbelievably brave for sharing this with us and so strong for getting through so many awful life situations. We see you are trying your best and are so proud of you for navigating your way through!

I’m trying, I’m fucking trying my god damn hardest but no one sees that, no one ever sees that. It’s so hard to be strong when all I do is break and cry. I’m drained, I’m tired, I’m hurting, I want to be loved, I want to be wanted.

Your problems are not tiny at all and deserve to be heard - you are just as worthy of support and love as anyone else is I'm glad to hear you've found a person who you can trust completely, and that you have been able to open up to them. I can understand how difficult it must be to share and remember those experiences, and hopefully that eases over time for you.

I can’t trust no one except one person who had been in my world for a few years but has never once hurted me, she taken so many endless nights to support me, she’s been there for the highs and the lows and has been forever patient, she’s never once got mad at me and has never once forced anything upon me like trust and yep after years, months, days, hours of her hard work and dedication she finally broke the barriers and I trust her with my whole world, I trust her with everything.

I completely shut down this afternoon, ended up locking myself in the bathroom refusing to move off the window sill and now my teacher has made a referral to the wellbeing nurse.

Did you get to see the wellbeing nurse today? It must be so hard to deal with past traumas at school, especially after having such little sleep - I hope you get some much needed rest tonight.

Remember we are always here for you whenever you need to talk

Rose113

Thank you @amy02 hugs

No I think the lady will come find me at some point but I’m not sure

Sian321

Hey @Rose113 firstly I just want to say thank you so much for your trust in making this post. I can really hear the pain in your voice. It sounds devastating - all the trauma and abuse that you've been through both as a little girl and now. Truly nobody should ever have to endure what you have. You're being so brave to talk about this

You mentioned that you've been talking about some of your memories to your boyfriend and friend, which feels like a huge step. At the same time, it is so, so valid that it’s also been extremely difficult and scary. You said it shatters your heart to remember some of the things you've gone through. I wonder, how do you think you could help keep yourself safe while talking about these memories? For example, some people might find grounding techniques helpful when they're working through trauma to help pace themselves, like picturing a safe inner place. Or keeping your hands occupied with a fidget toy while you're talking to help ground you in the here-and-now. Or using grounding phrases like, 'I have survived, I am safe'. When you're recalling trauma, remember it's okay (and important) to take breaks whenever you need to

You said that you feel totally drained, tired, and that you're hurting very badly, and it sounds so invalidating for no-one around you to truly get just how devastating things feel, and how much of a battle it is surviving every day. You mentioned that there's one person who you do truly fully, which feels so powerful. How often do you get to talk with this person? That feels really beautiful that you have them

We care a lot about you Rose, and feel so honoured that you're choosing Community as a space to share these experiences. You're not alone, even though it feels that way. You're doing your very, very best. We see you!!

Rose113

Hey @Sian321

firstly I just want to say thank you so much for your trust in making this post. I can really hear the pain in your voice. It sounds devastating - all the trauma and abuse that you've been through both as a little girl and now. Truly nobody should ever have to endure what you have. You're being so brave to talk about this

thank you, I don’t usually talk about my past or much of what I’ve been through because of barriers in my head :,)

You mentioned that you've been talking about some of your memories to your boyfriend and friend, which feels like a huge step. At the same time, it is so, so valid that it’s also been extremely difficult and scary. You said it shatters your heart to remember some of the things you've gone through. I wonder, how do you think you could help keep yourself safe while talking about these memories? For example, some people might find grounding techniques helpful when they're working through trauma to help pace themselves, like picturing a safe inner place. Or keeping your hands occupied with a fidget toy while you're talking to help ground you in the here-and-now. Or using grounding phrases like, 'I have survived, I am safe'. When you're recalling trauma, remember it's okay (and important) to take breaks whenever you need to

My boyfriend has gone and broken the trust that I didn’t even have for him yet, I want to yell at him and cry I hate him so much. Whenever I bring the past stuff up it usually leads to me shutting down and then age regressing

You said that you feel totally drained, tired, and that you're hurting very badly, and it sounds so invalidating for no-one around you to truly get just how devastating things feel, and how much of a battle it is surviving every day. You mentioned that there's one person who you do truly fully, which feels so powerful. How often do you get to talk with this person? That feels really beautiful that you have them

It kinda depends because she’s sometimes busy but when we do talk it’s for hours on end usually from 10pm to 3am :,)

Thank you so much ❤️