I am finally out of the toxic relationship

pharmagirl27

So...in regards to one of my previous posts about the toxic relationship I was in, I have finally managed to cut it off. It took a lot. It took a lot of courage and I couldn't pull myself together the day after it happened. We spent a lot of time together, and it feels harder now because we used to sleep on the phone (cringe I know), but it made me feel comforted in a way. My insomnia is only getting worse (it was worse during the relationship) but now it's just awful. I feel drained.

Yesterday I was walking through the outside of uni and I was crying my eyes out so much, could barely see where I was walking. I miss the memories deep down, but each time I have to remind myself why I broke off with him in the first place. And it hurts. Trust me, the relief of being out of something so toxic is there but it's also the fact that I am now...out of the relationship? If that makes sense. I feel so overwhelmed and I am really behind on my uni work already- I could not sit there yesterday and do my work. I am just so tired and drained/

I told him he needed to go work on himself and sort himself out and maybe if he has changed (which will take a good while), then maybe we can try again- but he has to change to a point where I can't even recognise him.

It also hurts because I keep wondering to myself- "why me?". Why is it always me that has to go through these things? Why is it always the good people that get hurt in the end?

Generally, I have been okay. But I do have my moments where I get extremely overwhelmed, tired and hysterically cry. I know time will heal, but it just hurts. I don't know anymore.

JustV

That's amazing. Seriously - well done @pharmagirl27.

I mainly wanted to say that of course this hurts. It's meant to hurt, even if it's a good decision. Even when a relationship ends and you know it's the right decision for you, it's still something you put your heart and energy into and lived inside. It's okay to have complicated feelings about it.

You may have come across this comparison before, but we process breakups in a similar way to grief. It's a kind of loss and the emotional waves we go through are the same. It will take you a while to figure out how to live outside of the relationship, and whatever your pace is is okay.

It also hurts because I keep wondering to myself- "why me?". Why is it always me that has to go through these things? Why is it always the good people that get hurt in the end?

I'm not sure if you asked this rhetorically, but in case you were looking for a perspective: I think sometimes intense relationships (particularly toxic relationships) can make more intense breakups, because the feelings involved throughout are all very heightened. I've had very intense relationships before and there was quite a lot of emotional fallout when they ended.

I would also say: these things can be learning experiences. I can only speak for myself but I know that my previous relationships helped me build a healthier one later in my life, because I wasn't really 'good' at relationships when I was a bit younger. So it can be pretty natural.

Again - well done. It's so hard to leave a toxic relationship and it's really cool to see you reflecting on it in a balanced and healthy way.

What do you think you need right now? Are you in a 'I need to keep busy' mindset or a 'I need to feel my feelings' mindset? (or neither?)

kaii

Hey @pharmagirl27, thank you for sharing this with us. First off, it's incredible that you got out a toxic relationship - it really takes a lot of bravery for acknowledging that the relationship was damaging to you, and you took the action to leave. This certainly wasn't easy at all.

Relationships, even toxic ones where the reasons to leave outweigh the reasons to stay, can never really be shrugged off completely. It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed because you form attachments in relationships, invest time in them, open up about what's on your mind, and so much more. I hear that you find yourself missing the memories with that person, which is completely natural. So it's okay to feel hurt. In my experience, even though I cut myself off a toxic friendship, I still find myself missing the good memories, but I can look at it in peace now, without feeling any anger - which takes lots and lots of time.

Like what @JustV said, these are all learning experiences. I think the phrase "people come and go, but memories stay forever" summarises this perfectly for any kind of relationship. These experiences help you identify what kind of things you appreciate in a relationship, what went wrong, what mistakes were made...etc. And with all these learning experiences, you'll eventually end up with healthier relationships over time.

Give yourself plenty of time to process all of this - it might help to spend some more time with yourself and partake in things you like (e.g. doing your hobbies), or to devote some time for a self-care activity (e.g. reading your favourite). It definitely takes time to find yourself after leaving a relationship, so take things at your own pace.

I hope this helps and please feel free to continue updating on here about how you're feeling

Sending hugs,

Kai

sinead276

hey @pharmagirl27 - hope you're doing okay at the moment and its good to hear you're out of the toxic relationship.

i pretty much wanted to say the same as Kai and V - it's okay to feel upset and miss the good parts of what you had and all that, it's completely understandable. remember to focus on you and things that make you happy. and i'm sure this will only make you a stronger person and getting one step closer to finding someone who loves you and appreciates you the way you deserve.

sending hugs
Sinead

anastasiahar_

Good afternoon @pharmagirl27
It is great you could leave a toxic relationship
What you are going through in a way is grieving your relationship this is perfectly normal as this is a loss.
You deserve better and are worthy of being in a happy fulfilled relationship
Don't forget after every storm comes a rainbow.


Well wishes
Anastasia

Sian321

Hey @pharmagirl27, thanks so much for posting here.

I'm really moved by what you've shared, and just how overwhelming and scary it sounds to have had to make the decision to leave your ex. That takes *immense* courage, and it is so valid that there are days where your feelings spill over and you find yourself crying hysterically. I hope that you can grant yourself permission to feel it all if you feel safe to do so.

I can imagine it might feel confusing at times for this person to have been toxic for you, and at the same time, to have also been the person you fell asleep with on the phone for comfort. Both these aspects of your relationship were real and true and they existed alongside one another

How have you been expressing your feelings at this time? Or distracting from them if that's what you feel you need? We're here for you, and there's no timeline on what healing from this 'should' or 'shouldn't' look like.

If helpful, I wanted to share this poem with you that came to mind when I read your post. It's called 'Love After Love' by Derek Walcott:

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,
and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread, Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

stardust444

Hi @pharmagirl27 ! I’m so so proud of you, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been<3