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My 'first' experience socialising
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,082 Boards Champion
Helloo. I just wanted to talk about the bowling(+pub) event I've been to yesterday, theres a lot I'm struggling to unpack by myself.
This is going to be a HUGE post, but also my most important one I think. Right now feels like the biggest turning point in my life - where my 'wooden cart' of life starts to finally move up the tracks in the right direction (metaphorically).
I don't expect many people will have the strength to read all this lol, but just putting this here itself helps me a lot to process everything. Please don't judge too much haha.
First of all, I decided to message the organiser asking exactly how the pub part will go, since its my first ever time doing something like this. I had a brief moment before the event where the anxiety got calmer and I could think more clearly, and I realised how important it was for me to ask that question. It eased my anxiety because I know more what to expect, but also helped me realise how nice and welcoming those people are! They explained when going to the pub they will just go find a large table to sit at then talk and get to know each other more.
So if theres any advice I could give from this, its to ask. Ask questions, especially if you're not sure or are worried about something. Theres nothing wrong with it, or with asking for support in general!
But the event itself:
It went a lot better than it did last year, since my voice is now different and I'm able to speak loud enough for people to hear me... mostly.
I've had pretty bad voice struggles where I couldn't speak loud, and my voice would often dissapear when I needed it the most, making me extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable. This time I still struggled to speak loud enough for them to hear me but only sometimes, and I was significantly more confident since my voice worked almost without flaw - Yay!
I am extremely proud of myself because for the first time ever, I felt like I was socialising. I was talking, asking questions, dare I say I even started convos myself!
At least as much as I could.
The people were super kind and sweet, they talked to me, made me feel part of the group. Rarely did I feel left out. Even when I decided to leave in the end, everyone (and I mean everyone), turned to me, waved and said goodbye to me in a really friendly way. It may not feel like much sometimes but little things like this make me feel so nice. I almost felt like they didnt want me to go, which is not a way I ever felt before.
Honestly, I didnt expect this at all, but during the event there were times where I just felt... happy. Even though nothing significant really happened I felt like I could just exist in the moment and enjoy it.
However... I wish it were all this simple.
When I got home all the thoughts started to rush in, so much overthinking. I couldn't sleep even though I was extremely tired just hours earlier. I couldn't focus on anything, just kept thinking about the event and replaying it over and over in my head. I felt sad, really sad. Which made no sense, the event was great and I enjoyed myself, thats all I could ask for. I don't think I ever said or did anything wrong either.
Well the first problem, I dunno when I get to have an opportunity like this again (the last one was a year ago). I am now back in the house and it feels like nothing has changed.
I didnt want the event to end. I want to go again, I'd go right now if I could. Its another one of those things where I get a peek into what my life could look like but its not. Its so uncertain whats next and that thought is killing me.
It might sound like I'm acting a bit over the top lol, I know things like that cant happen too often. But the thought of uncertainty if I ever get an opportunity like this still lingers. I finally have an opportunity that I for once feel able to handle, so I want to take it!
Another thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that I felt like an entirely different person at the event. Like I was literally (and I mean literally) in the body of another human experiencing it from their point of view. Everything I did felt so automatic as if I was almost entirely on autopilot. I didnt feel like myself at all. Which kinda relates to my next point...
The entire event felt like a fever dream, it didnt feel real at all. When I woke up the next day I was struggling to wrap my head around whether it all actually happened! (Note: I did NOT have any alcohol at all. Yes I'm 100% certain lol)
It all just felt so surreal, as if it wasnt part of my life.
There is one thing thats really bothering though. The fact I find it so hard remembering stuff. I only talked to a couple people yet I cant remember all the specifics they told me, things I could later ask them questions about which now I cant. Also I keep mixing information, for example this person told me they study <insert course here> but it was actually that other person who said that. I can't even remember most people's names!! Online its so incredibly easier cause I can visually see stuff like this so it helps me remember a lot better (not mentioning the fact I can always go back and check something to be sure).
There was literally one person who was there who remembered everything I said last flipping year!! HOW?? And whyy? I wish they didn't
Funny enough I couldnt even remember they were also there last year, let alone that I was talking to them...
I don't know why I find this so difficult or how can I get better. It makes it so hard to talk cause I'm scared I'll say something stupid or embarrassing. And beside that, I dont have much to talk about anyway. I know so little about any subject that I can never join any conversations or ever add anything of value from myself. I have zero experience in almost anything. It kinda hurts.
But ok, last but not least out of the things I want to say. Going there, even after talking to so many people, I dont feel like I made a single friend. Which again, I know its unlikely to happen anyway, but I dont feel like I even got any closer to make any friends.
It feels like if someone doesnt specifically want to be friends with me, I will never find a friend. Seems like everyone already has a ton of friends (and partners) so they just dont care about making new friends anymore. And in the rare case that they do, theres loads of 'better' friends they can find than me.
There was this one person in particular who was almost as quiet and (appearing) shy as me, the only other person than me who didnt drink alcohol. As my luck would have it we were sitting on the opposite sides of the table (the far end lol) and I was seriously debating on moving near them to talk, but couldnt do it. Was too scared it'll be too awkward. Now I really regret it cause they left even earlier than me and I didnt get a chance to talk... idk if trying to message them is a good idea lol, and even if I cant exactly remember what they looked like (or their name) so am too scared of messaging someone else by accident (we're on a whatsapp group btw, it shows some people's names, and some people have their face in their profile pic).
Idk if I'll get a chance to talk to them again cause idk if they'll attend any potential future events, they seemed a bit uncomfortable with this one (just like me).
But in the end, despite all the struggles, I'm really happy I decided to go.
Anyway. If posting this doesnt make these boards explode then I dont know what will xD
I just tried my best to put all my thoughts to paper (or yk, the screen), but I have no idea how I could have made this shorter. Sorry if its quite messy.
If anyone has read all of this, then wow - you're crazy... But also it really really means a lot to me!
If theres absolutely anything you'd want to say then I'd seriously appreciate it, no matter how big or small it is.
Sending big hugs! Take lots of care y'all.
JJ
This is going to be a HUGE post, but also my most important one I think. Right now feels like the biggest turning point in my life - where my 'wooden cart' of life starts to finally move up the tracks in the right direction (metaphorically).
I don't expect many people will have the strength to read all this lol, but just putting this here itself helps me a lot to process everything. Please don't judge too much haha.
I'm writing this in a different thread because the other one is already long but also that one is just me panicking and being extremely anxious about the event, so I dont really want to go back to that, its not that important anymore.
First of all, I decided to message the organiser asking exactly how the pub part will go, since its my first ever time doing something like this. I had a brief moment before the event where the anxiety got calmer and I could think more clearly, and I realised how important it was for me to ask that question. It eased my anxiety because I know more what to expect, but also helped me realise how nice and welcoming those people are! They explained when going to the pub they will just go find a large table to sit at then talk and get to know each other more.
So if theres any advice I could give from this, its to ask. Ask questions, especially if you're not sure or are worried about something. Theres nothing wrong with it, or with asking for support in general!
But the event itself:
It went a lot better than it did last year, since my voice is now different and I'm able to speak loud enough for people to hear me... mostly.
I've had pretty bad voice struggles where I couldn't speak loud, and my voice would often dissapear when I needed it the most, making me extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable. This time I still struggled to speak loud enough for them to hear me but only sometimes, and I was significantly more confident since my voice worked almost without flaw - Yay!
I am extremely proud of myself because for the first time ever, I felt like I was socialising. I was talking, asking questions, dare I say I even started convos myself!
At least as much as I could.
The people were super kind and sweet, they talked to me, made me feel part of the group. Rarely did I feel left out. Even when I decided to leave in the end, everyone (and I mean everyone), turned to me, waved and said goodbye to me in a really friendly way. It may not feel like much sometimes but little things like this make me feel so nice. I almost felt like they didnt want me to go, which is not a way I ever felt before.
Honestly, I didnt expect this at all, but during the event there were times where I just felt... happy. Even though nothing significant really happened I felt like I could just exist in the moment and enjoy it.
However... I wish it were all this simple.
When I got home all the thoughts started to rush in, so much overthinking. I couldn't sleep even though I was extremely tired just hours earlier. I couldn't focus on anything, just kept thinking about the event and replaying it over and over in my head. I felt sad, really sad. Which made no sense, the event was great and I enjoyed myself, thats all I could ask for. I don't think I ever said or did anything wrong either.
Well the first problem, I dunno when I get to have an opportunity like this again (the last one was a year ago). I am now back in the house and it feels like nothing has changed.
I didnt want the event to end. I want to go again, I'd go right now if I could. Its another one of those things where I get a peek into what my life could look like but its not. Its so uncertain whats next and that thought is killing me.
It might sound like I'm acting a bit over the top lol, I know things like that cant happen too often. But the thought of uncertainty if I ever get an opportunity like this still lingers. I finally have an opportunity that I for once feel able to handle, so I want to take it!
Another thing I wanted to talk about is the fact that I felt like an entirely different person at the event. Like I was literally (and I mean literally) in the body of another human experiencing it from their point of view. Everything I did felt so automatic as if I was almost entirely on autopilot. I didnt feel like myself at all. Which kinda relates to my next point...
The entire event felt like a fever dream, it didnt feel real at all. When I woke up the next day I was struggling to wrap my head around whether it all actually happened! (Note: I did NOT have any alcohol at all. Yes I'm 100% certain lol)
It all just felt so surreal, as if it wasnt part of my life.
There is one thing thats really bothering though. The fact I find it so hard remembering stuff. I only talked to a couple people yet I cant remember all the specifics they told me, things I could later ask them questions about which now I cant. Also I keep mixing information, for example this person told me they study <insert course here> but it was actually that other person who said that. I can't even remember most people's names!! Online its so incredibly easier cause I can visually see stuff like this so it helps me remember a lot better (not mentioning the fact I can always go back and check something to be sure).
There was literally one person who was there who remembered everything I said last flipping year!! HOW?? And whyy? I wish they didn't
Funny enough I couldnt even remember they were also there last year, let alone that I was talking to them...
I don't know why I find this so difficult or how can I get better. It makes it so hard to talk cause I'm scared I'll say something stupid or embarrassing. And beside that, I dont have much to talk about anyway. I know so little about any subject that I can never join any conversations or ever add anything of value from myself. I have zero experience in almost anything. It kinda hurts.
But ok, last but not least out of the things I want to say. Going there, even after talking to so many people, I dont feel like I made a single friend. Which again, I know its unlikely to happen anyway, but I dont feel like I even got any closer to make any friends.
It feels like if someone doesnt specifically want to be friends with me, I will never find a friend. Seems like everyone already has a ton of friends (and partners) so they just dont care about making new friends anymore. And in the rare case that they do, theres loads of 'better' friends they can find than me.
There was this one person in particular who was almost as quiet and (appearing) shy as me, the only other person than me who didnt drink alcohol. As my luck would have it we were sitting on the opposite sides of the table (the far end lol) and I was seriously debating on moving near them to talk, but couldnt do it. Was too scared it'll be too awkward. Now I really regret it cause they left even earlier than me and I didnt get a chance to talk... idk if trying to message them is a good idea lol, and even if I cant exactly remember what they looked like (or their name) so am too scared of messaging someone else by accident (we're on a whatsapp group btw, it shows some people's names, and some people have their face in their profile pic).
Idk if I'll get a chance to talk to them again cause idk if they'll attend any potential future events, they seemed a bit uncomfortable with this one (just like me).
But in the end, despite all the struggles, I'm really happy I decided to go.
Anyway. If posting this doesnt make these boards explode then I dont know what will xD
I just tried my best to put all my thoughts to paper (or yk, the screen), but I have no idea how I could have made this shorter. Sorry if its quite messy.
If anyone has read all of this, then wow - you're crazy... But also it really really means a lot to me!
If theres absolutely anything you'd want to say then I'd seriously appreciate it, no matter how big or small it is.Sending big hugs! Take lots of care y'all.
JJ
Believe in me - who believes in you
7
Comments
It sounds like you're feeling a combination of emotions all at once and that's okay! It's good to hear that you enjoyed it and that everyone treated you kindly. It sounds like to me that this is a good group of friends that you should maintain contact with if you can. I know you mentioned feeling worried about whether to message someone from the group, and while it can seem daunting, I would just send it. I am sure they would be pleased to hear from you. Perhaps even send a message writing how it was nice to meet up with everyone, and then you might find that conversation just flows from that. Making close friends takes time so don't put pressure on yourself that you're not overly close with them just yet. Friendship is a two-way process, so hopefully by you initiating conversation on the chat it will give everyone an opportunity to get talking a bit more. And eventually, you will become more at ease around them and opportunities to meet up might become more regular.
Keep it up because you are doing so well! We'd love to hear how you get on with everything so keep reaching out!
Best wishes
I'd love to! But idk how.
Also with what you said later: I know, I wasnt expecting to be super good friends with everyone straight away haha. What I was trying to say is that I don't feel like I'm anywhere closer to becoming friends with them. For example, I didn't exchange phone numbers with anyone specifically, and I don't really see how I could follow this event up to become better friends with them. Not that I want to rush anything or be too pushy either!
In the end it just feels like any random event that I might go to and forget about later. Also, if they host these events as rarely as last year, I don't think I'll get a chance the meet them any better xD
I would if I wasnt so scared of accidentally messaging someone completely different lol. But worse than that, it feels like its been too long since the event to do that, and it might just seem really awkward. Its like I delayed doing it for so long that its now even harder to do...
I quickly checked just now and I realised I literally don't know which number is theirs lol, so I guess the problem sorted itself out
Also, I don't want to message in the group chat again. After this event last year I sent a message thanking for the event and that it was nice to meet all of them, nobody responded or reacted in any way... and theres like 50 people in the group. I think they just use it a source of news for the society and not actually for talking. For a different society (that I am no longer part of) I asked the society president honestly if its weird to introduce yourself or talk in the group chat at all, and they said to not bother cause nobody does that. So I told myself I wont do it anymore cause whats the point, I dont want to seem weird or something.
Again thanks for the response
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👏👏 Yo what a breakthrough!
I don't think you're acting OTT here. When I was a bit younger, I had a similar issue to this where I was so socially anxious that I wouldn't really... go to things. I didn't feel I could DO them. Every now and again I would, by chance, have a really, really lovely time with people that made me feel seen and loved and I would get this huge high. Then a crashing low the next day. I think partly because the high was so high, and also because (like you said yourself) there's that element of "god is this what my life could be like? what if I can never feel this on a regular basis?"
I don't know if that's what's happening for you, but you might be experiencing a low that naturally follows a high (I guess like a comedown). It sounds like this event was pretty big for you.
This might be a similar thing - like that euphoria where you don't feel super present. Especially if there's anxiety underneath it all you might have a weird slightly dissociative thing where you're white knuckling through it, and your instincts take over for you.
If this kind of socialising is a new skill for you, you may also find that as your social muscles grow, this happens a bit less and you feel more *you* and more present during the event.
But I would also say here (and this also relates to the thing you said about memory), everyone processes information differently. I know for me I find it very hard to retain things like peoples' names, conversations I had ten minutes ago, and everything. I'm more visual too like you said and I tend to process digital interactions more easily than face to face ones. There are other people at face to face gatherings who have brains like that, even if you can't tell immediately.
You could even communicate that to alleviate some of the anxiety. I do this sometimes - I'll be at an event or meeting people and I'll be like "haha, I don't usually do things like this and I get a bit anxious, I find it hard to keep track of people" - then it's easier if they know that about me. Some people find stuff like that a bit charming and you might be able to be playful about it.
This is such a painful thought @JJLemon18 - I hear you. The perspective I want to offer you is that maybe folks around you have never shown you that you have something valuable to offer. I felt this way about myself when I was younger, and as I got older, I realised that actually I had these weird interests and things in my brain that WERE interesting to people, it was just that I hadn't had the right social feedback to understand that. That also relies on finding the right people, which is trial and error.
This is really interesting to me - I think about friendship a bit differently to this.
Rarely when I meet someone for the first time, do I think "I want to be their friend". I might have a generally good vibe check on someone, but that's it. It's something that I only want once a connection has been built between us, which takes time and exposure to those people.
You might find it takes a little while for people to start automatically thinking of you for conversation, for event invites, etc. Then at some point you might go over that hump where you're more integrated with them, and things get WAY easier. So at first you might need to make your presence known and felt, so you stay in their field of view.
Remember that what you have to say, what you feel about life and the world is interesting to people and it's worth their time. So try not to feel like you're imposing on people just by being around and talking to them and trying to connect - you're not.
A final top tip: if you want to chat to someone while making sure they don't feel uncomfortable, you can give them an exit in the conversation. For example like "so yeah, I work at a charity -- oh I'm sorry, do you need to head out somewhere?" - if they want to leave then, they can. Then you know if they stay, they're actively choosing to speak to you.
--
Overall though I wanted to say a huge well done for going JJ and for being able to reflect so thoughtfully and healthily on the whole situation. I know that doing this stuff for the first time can be terrifying and you deserve accolades just for taking the leap. It sounds like you did a lot better than you feel you did - keep in mind social skills are a muscle that needs training.
Oh, no I think that's pretty spot on, you explained it much better than I could! Even if you're just describing your own experience, but its really reassuring to hear. Mind if I ask how those situations came up 'by chance'? Was it literally like it would happen by accident because of something else you were doing in your life, or is it more like times where you would occasionally just break past your anxiety and do attend something social?
Also want to point out you mentioning that you were 'seen and loved'. This event I did feel seen, yes, in a way I never really felt before, not to this extent. Which mind you isn't much at all, but still more than I was always used to. However, at no point in the event would I say I came anywhere close to feeling 'loved' (and no, not even in a romantic way lol
Despite all this, my 'high' still felt like a lot. Which I think is mostly because I for once felt part of the group (even if only a little bit).
Wait that could be so true... the people who don't remember specifics I tell them will obviously not refer back to them later, so after encountering some people who do remember everything I say, I think to myself that everyone must be like that, and feeling bad about myself for not being the same.
Such a nice change of perspective.
Yess I totally agree it helps a lot. I try and do this whenever I can, just be open and honest about how I'm feeling and stuff (just like I did with the message to the organiser). Its not always easy to do, but is always helpful.
Maybe... I'm a big videogame nerd and I enjoy a lot of music, but thats about it. I have a very very small area of things I'm kinda knowledgeable about, so its extremely unlucky for me to encounter anyone I can talk with about stuff. And even then, if there is someone who knows a lot about gaming for example, they usually already know more than me and then I'm still a bit clueless in the conversation! That kinda applies to everything.
I can never find 'my people' and I have no idea how. I've met people online before (cause well its so much easier finding people with the same interests online). Someone who used to watch the same movies as me (that was ages ago), they're from Australia... Someone who listens to the same crazy music as me, they're from the States... Someone who plays the same games as me, from all over the world... etc. And theres only so much that an online friend can be, they barely feel like friends and we rarely talk at all
It feels like I live in the most antisocial and unfriendly place that exists
Which is why when I get an opportunity like this I really want to take it, and especially why leaving uni sucks so much cause opportunities like this feel non-existent outside...
Yeah that makes a lot of sense, you don't really intend to be friends with every single person you come across lol. Also it explains other people's attitude and why they don't seem willing to be friends at first contact.
I guess a way to describe it is that I have such little opportunities to make friends that my brain thinks that if I am going to make friends, it would be now. All or nothing kind of thinking, its really hard to not do.
I'll admit something which is gonna sound weird and embarrassing, I have the same thoughts regarding relationships. Its whenever I talk to anyone who is even slightly nice or good looking, my brain starts going like "you know there is a slight possibility you could be in a relationship with this person in your life..." even if I consciously know it defo won't happen, and sometimes I will not even talk to this person after this convo anyway! But I can't help the thoughts, its the anxiety making me feel like there are much higher stakes rn than there really are.
Which funny enough ends me in a weird situation where it feels like the people I hate the most, are the ones who like me the most lol. Its because I tend to act fairly normally around people I hate since there's nothing at stake if I don't want to talk to them anyway. Its so stupid.
Oh absolutely not. If I'm talking they're gonna listen and they're gonna enjoy it! xD
But seriously, if someone doesn't want to listen they will have plenty of opportunities to leave, trust me. When someone is actively listening to what I'm saying that usually means they want to listen lol.
I will keep this in mind though cause its a great tip to remember for the future. Thanks for sharing it!
Really sorry didn't intend this to be such a long reply. Thank you so so much again!
Take care
I found a perfect way to explain what socialising looks like for me. When you're little and you have friends or family over and are forced to sit at the table and spend time with them all but you're just a kid and everyone's talking about adult stuff so you just ignore most of it. Well thats exactly how socialising still feels like for me... even though I am now one of those adults and should be part of the conversation too!
Basically it feels like I'm just sitting around people who are talking with each other while I'm too young and stupid to understand and take part.
Second thing, I noticed the original post I wrote here perfectly shows what my brain goes through after such event. I start super happy with how it all went and how great it was but by then end I'm overthinking so much feeling sad thinking it went horribly. I think that's fascinating how you can see my whole emotions and way of writing change as the post continues.
Omg I feel this too!! It makes me feel really alone and miserable. I’m not sure what it is but there are people I don’t feel that with. Generally autistic people lol
I think it might be a lack of experience socialising, or a barrier in understanding that’ll always be there (like autism), I’m not really sure. But I can confirm it’s not just you.
I guess I should be insulted by how normal you are 😂
You did really well, JJ. I wish I had literally any experience of adulthood to tell you where/how to make friends, but there’s plenty of time, and it sounds like you’re moving forwards.
I get that, it defo varies a lot depending on people. I guess you could be feeling better around autistics since you are more 'sure' you belong, if that makes sense. Around just any group of people you can have so many reasons to doubt yourself and why you dont fit in. But it varies on the individuals too, whether they're nice, understanding, etc.
You have clearly never talked to me in person. Also I'm generalising, theres of course many people I hate that I'm super stressed out to be around, and many people I like who I'm very chill around (usually people I know and who I'm comfortable with).
What is and isnt 'normal' also changes and is up for debate. What I think is 'normal' behaviour might not be the same for someone else.
Its so hard to explain this.
If you're asking, then no, I don't hate you.
This is particularly relatable for me, and your mentioning on feeling like you’re on autopilot. I find when something feels overly stimulating my perception breaks everything down to easier digestible information and sometimes it means super hazy recounting of info on my end, i.e: like mixing up names (super common and unintentional for me to where I often have to laugh it off). Maybe it might feel the same for you too. It might help to ask people again to repeat themselves so you can better understand. It’ll help you clarify information and also show the other people you’re interested in them which can keep the conversation flowing.
I think also having anxiety can get you to hyper fixate on things to the point where you actually miss an intake of information because you’re too focused on the feeling anxious on getting information right rather than the act of remembering. From my experience, as long I get the general gist of things “oh I remember you went to this uni?” Or “I remembered you like this type of music?” It can help and that’ll lead to them explaining that part and help me remember. Socialising often relies on engagement of others, even if it’s just a gesture, like a smile or a single word, people will know your engaged and interested in what they’re saying and in turn (hopefully) they’ll find the same interest when your speaking. I think being aware of that, not necessarily always talking but clicking with people that way can really help in these types of scenarios.
Regardless, I really hope with any future events you go to you can enjoy yourself as much as you did here! The fact that you didn’t want it to end really shows I think how much you enjoyed yourself.
And about the uncertainty, it’s totally understandable especially after such an intensive scenario like this. But don’t fret, I’m sure these things will come plenty to you in the future! With the way you’re pushing yourself and actively engaging I don’t doubt this things won’t come 🫂☺️
But anyway.
Thank you so much @Trimina for your reply (although you probably forgot even writing it at this point lol).
That's understandable. Helps to know I'm not the only one having trouble with this.
I noticed I'm really struggling trying to compare myself to others, since most people remember almost everything I say (even years ago), I immediately feel bad about myself that I'm unable to remember what they said just a second ago. Makes me feel like a horrible person.
Yeah thats very true. I'll try to remember that for next time - that just because there are people who are constantly talking, to everyone, making jokes, etc. doesnt mean I'm worse than them, just more quiet I guess. Again, comparing myself.
Thank you. But lets aim higher - I want to enjoy myself more!
In fact, that same society have another event tomorrow! Will try my best to chill out and just try to enjoy myself without too much pressure.
@Amy22 Thank you so much for your reply too. I want to apologise again for replying so late, but you already know how I be
Oh I LOVE cheese!! But seriously, it does seem like the start of something new, if only it didn't involve me withdrawing back into by bed for a whole month...
I've said it a few times but I'll say it again. Situations like this let me see that things can in fact be better and that a better, more fulfilling life is possible - however I'm still not there, I'm still a bit far. It ends up feeling overwhelming and I start to get more hopeless every opportunity like this. Not even mentioning the regret and 'grief' that I feel from all the wasted time and opportunities I've missed. Why am I focussing on uni societies so much after being done with uni?!
But anyway, I have a bit more to mention but I'll do that another time, don't want to vent about everything at once. I'll probably also come here to update how the new event went, and any progress I've made.
Again, thanks a lot you all. This community is awesome
After said event, they went to the pub again, and I wasnt planning on it but decided I'll go too. It went pretty much exactly like last time, I was barely talking at all. It sucks so much cause it makes me feel like crap just sitting there trying to hear what people are saying over the noise and just being unable to contribute like everyone else. It sucks, but I won't try to think too much about it. In general it was awesome and I already can't wait for the next one!
But just like last time, when I got home I felt even worse about it. The 'high' I got from the event was even greater than last time, which caused me to crash even more. So much so that I've had dreams at night which were (from what I remember - cause they're already super hazy) about an event similar to this one, but the general theme I got was about 'having friends'... Which sucked to wake up from
My social life has been much better over these last two years, slowly improving more and more, however its still nothing compared to other people. I'm so terrified of losing the few social connections I have - and the realisation that I should have lost them by now, if not for me having resits at uni I'd be gone by now...
Tl;dr The event was great, I enjoyed myself a lot. I accepted that I'm not the most social person. I really look forward to the next one. But the more I enjoy these the more shitty I feel later...
So I guess thats about it for now. Thanks for reading