Really stressed

Lechalia

Recently I've started to think again that the government is watching me all the time and can read my thoughts. It's really stressful. I tried telling the mental health worker that but I just couldn't tell her everything so the advice she gave me wasn't super helpful. One of the bits of advice was to get my parents to supervise my medication but I don't trust my parents at all because I'm pretty sure they're working against me. I'm meant to call to speak to a different mental health worker next week but I don't know if I'm going to go through with it. I hate phone calls. The mental health worker also said I would get a call later in the week. I really see she's trying to help and it feels like I'm going to let her down. I hate letting people down.

MatchaMia

Hi, I'm really sorry that you've been feeling stressed - that sounds like a horrible feeling to experience. I understand that opening up to others can be incredibly scary, and you're already very brave by speaking to those that can help you. It might help to speak with your mental health worker about how you feel about your parents supervising your medication - if it's something that you're not sure about I'm sure they'll be understanding and help you figure it out. Being as honest as you can is important so that you'll get the best help possible You have people on your side who care about you, its hard, but please don't worry that you'll let her down - they're with you through both good and bad, and how they view you won't change even a bit. Do you think you would prefer another mode of communication in replacement of phone calls?

Lechalia

I don't know, I saw the mental health worker in person today and i have met her before so that could have been ok but she brought someone else to our appointment which stressed me out. Honestly, I'd probably prefer face to face but i know the service is so overstreched

MatchaMia

Hi Lechalia, It's very considerate of you to worry about the service but please don't focus on that - I'm sure they'd do everything they can to support you so I think it would be worth speaking to them about how much you'd feel more comfortable meeting in person. I'm sorry you were stressed by another person - maybe let them know how that felt. Would a heads-up make it better next time?

Lechalia

To be honest, I'm not even sure I want another meeting with them. It's so hard not to feel like there's nothing anyone can do but I'm finding it so hard to trust people at the moment. Sometimes I wonder if it'd be better if I just shut up and accept that things are and will be rubbish. I don't know.

I definitely think a heads up about who's attending an appointment if more that expected is useful. To be fair to the mental health worker, the second person was also quite nice

Lechalia

Cn: sh

I'd been free from one type of sh for 3 months and another for almost a year but I've recently relapsed on both and I feel really disappointed in myself. And that's on top of feeling really physically unwell because I've stopped taking my medication. It's so rubbish that I know I'm spiralling but there's nothing I feel able to do about it and nothing I feel anyone else can do about it. I just feel so alone.

JustV

I think a lot of folks here can relate to that feeling of 'nobody can help me, what even is the point, things will always feel as bad as they do now' @Lechalia. You mentioned it's hard to trust people, and that trust can be hard to build even at the best of times. Even then, usually we have to take a leap of faith at some point because the outcome is always unknown.

I do want to link this back to your original post though:

Lechalia wrote: »

Recently I've started to think again that the government is watching me all the time and can read my thoughts. It's really stressful. I tried telling the mental health worker that but I just couldn't tell her everything so the advice she gave me wasn't super helpful.

You shared some intense stuff about thinking the government is watching you and reading your thoughts - is that why you're finding it difficult to trust people?

Also you said "started to think *again* that the government is watching me" - are these thoughts you've had before now as well?

Lechalia wrote: »

Cn: sh

I'd been free from one type of sh for 3 months and another for almost a year but I've recently relapsed on both and I feel really disappointed in myself. And that's on top of feeling really physically unwell because I've stopped taking my medication. It's so rubbish that I know I'm spiralling but there's nothing I feel able to do about it and nothing I feel anyone else can do about it. I just feel so alone.

For whatever it's worth, this community is here with you. Try to reframe "I've relapsed" as "I'm not well enough to stop self-harming right now" - it's not your fault, it's a medical symptom, and you're not to blame for the mental capacity you have or don't have right now. It's really tough to be in that spirally, isolated place. Perhaps we can help take the edge off. 💚

Lechalia

Thank you @JustV . I think that's why I'm finding it harder to trust people. I'm pretty sure that my mum and the mental health team are in in it too so I don't really want to tell them anything. I've had these thoughts before. Like now, last time I had these thoughts, I ended up stopping my medication, was under the crisis team and was almost sectioned (but took the medication again to avoid that) so I'm a little scared of all that happening again as well if I tell anyone what's going on.

Yeah, I also spoke to the samaritans yesterday and the person on the phone said I should be kinder to myself regarding self harm