I've come full circle...

JJLemon18

AAAHHHH I've spent like an hour yesterday making this stupid long post and turns out I forgot to save draft and it all disappeared! (and for some reason it didnt save automatically like it always did) and I didn't have any motivation to rewrite it... but its about something happening tomorrow so I'm just gonna quickly summarise whatever I wanted to say. Apologies if its a little messy.

A little side tangent:

I've been rereading some of my old posts and its such a surreal feeling. It feels almost nostalgic but also yuck... I don't seem to have changed in the way I hate my own posts xD
I seem like an entirely different person back then. I'm happy because I seem to be doing 'better', but I honestly don't know. In many aspects I seem to have gotten worse, or not changed at all. Its been a whole damn YEAR since some of the posts, yet I seem to be struggling just as bad, if not worse. I really can't believe its been a year...
Its like I've gotten better at dealing with the fact that I'm just horrible at life, but am not doing anything to actually get better. If that makes sense.
But anyway. I really hope I get to have all my old posts for a long long time because this place is such an awesome diary to have.

Ok, now to the point.
Does anyone reading this remember my whole situation with a society bowling event almost a year ago? Well its happening again tomorrow...

Here's part of what I wrote a year ago:

JJLemon18 wrote: »

I've been to bowling yesterday, I did it. But it was so hard to enjoy myself when I couldn't talk. It was just too damn loud. I feel like I've embarrassed myself so much. Although I can't lie I did feel very welcome. The people were nice and engaging but it was no way a place for me, I wish it was tho. I want to be able to socialise the way everyone does, why is it so hard
Also there was alcohol and they went to a pub later... which I wasn't told about at all.

I couldn't sleep today, like almost at all. Partially because my throat bloody hurts, but mostly because I just couldnt stop overthing everything that happened yesterday. It feels like it was all a dream (or more of nightmare) and I was so disconnected that I cant tell if it really happened. It all felt so foreign, so new and strange to me. I'm not used to busy parties like that. How do I enjoy them?? All I can do is just stand or sit there, and watch everyone else have fun...

I'm not sure if I'm glad I decided to go. On one hand it was an experience, I know what it looks like now, and I have (sort of) met some new people. But on the other hand I felt so out of place and miserable that I kinda wish I didn't go. I will remember this event just like I remember prom - this event that I just didn't belong at all and was so disconnected from everyone while watching them all have fun, wishing to be a part of it...

Oh and I almost forgot to mention. Everyone there was so so attractive, which didn't help with my anxiety or feeling like I didn't belong.

(note: you should be able to click the two arrows at the top of this quote to see the thread I got it from)

I don't expect it to go any better this time. You'd think I know what's coming so I'd feel calmer about going, well, it makes me feel worse.

Truth be told, my voice is much better than it was back then, so I'm very much hoping I'll at least be able to talk properly. But even then, I can't socialise, I don't know how. I can't really keep a conversation going in person because I know so little about anything. Plus I'm too focussed on the anxiety itself that I just don't want to talk in the moment but then end up regretting it.

I've been so panicked these past few days. The closer to the date the more I'm realising 'holy crap what am I getting myself into again!' The realisation is slowly hitting me and its accompanied by severe anxiety. I'm so terrified I'm just gonna go and embarrass myself again.

I could not go at all, but that will just prove my anxiety right and it wont change. I wish I could just go and enjoy it without any pressure, but there IS pressure. It feels like one of the last opportunities I'll ever have to make proper friends without going far out of my way to find them. Realistically I know I won't make any friends there, but my brain is convinced that its the last opportunity and it treating it like 'all or nothing'. Which tbf, I don't have anything to lose... beside the last fractions of my sanity ofc.

Unlike last time, I told myself I'll join them in the pub later, but its my first ever time and I have no clue how that will look like. I always thought people go to the pub to drink alcohol, but what could that look like for a 20-something group of people? I know I won't enjoy it or belong there, but again I have nothing to lose in trying it out. I am NOT drinking any alcohol though, and thats not up for debate, but doesnt that make it even less point in going?
I'm thinking of messaging the organiser asking how the pub will go exactly, but I'm worried that will make it even more awkward...

I'm horrified of walking into something I really don't like, panicking, and leaving immediately then probably crying at home.

I just don't know how to deal with all of this. I'm really scared but I'm too far gone at this point I have to try it. Also I do want to note, last time I went with someone I spoke with before - but this time I'm all alone...


One last question asking for advice. Does anyone have really shaky hands? Especially when other people are looking. Cause I do and its unbearable and extremely embarrassing and I don't know what to do about it. Its going to be the biggest fear factor if we go to the pub or something and there will be food, cause my hands shake so much when eating. I don't want to order food and feel completely unable to eat it, nor do I want to be the only one to not order anything either. I just can't eat in front of others


Sorry I havent written such a long post in a long time (a "quick summary" huh). I'm really panicking though and just needed to get some things out, and if anyone has any advice I will seriously appreciate it!

Take care,
JJ

eylah

idk what to say but sending you hugs. .

AnonymousToe

you know what, I just accidentally clicked off the page and lost the response I’d written 😭 I’ll try and remember what I said 😂

First - I’m really drained so I’m sorry if this is a terrible response.

You’ll be ok, you’ve experienced the bowling part before so you have some idea what to expect with that.

What do you want to get out of this experience? Why are you going? Think about that. You’ll still gain an experience from this no matter the outcome. Exposure therapy and all that, it’ll help you anyway.

I really feel you on eating in front of people. I have no idea what pubs serve but could you just get some lemonade or something? Or something easy to eat like a biscuit, i dont know, something you could literally stuff down your trousers if you can’t cope with eating it anymore 🤣 I know it’s good to get used to doing uncomfortable things but you can’t do everything at once, so you don’t have to push yourself too far. To be honest if you’re at the pub, then I’m assuming people will be drinking, and people don’t remember things from when they’re drunk. So maybe people wont even remember how it goes anyway?

I used to get really shaky hands. I take propranolol now and that kind of takes away the physical signs of anxiety like that, it basically just helps me hide it from people 😂 But people really don’t care about your hands. They’re at the pub, doing…. Whatever people do in pubs. 😂 I don’t think people notice as much as you think they do.

You can do it!! We’ll be proud of you for trying, whatever happens.

JJLemon18

@eylah I understand not everyone might have something to say, but I really appreciate your response anyway hugs!

@AnonymousToe Thank you

AnonymousToe wrote: »

you know what, I just accidentally clicked off the page and lost the response I’d written 😭 I’ll try and remember what I said 😂

I appreciate you doing this to honour my long lost post xD maybe this thread is cursed or something lol.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

What do you want to get out of this experience? Why are you going? Think about that. You’ll still gain an experience from this no matter the outcome. Exposure therapy and all that, it’ll help you anyway.

Yea true. I honestly don't know why I'm going lol. I'm hoping to make some friends, even if it is just small connections that open up more doors for me, if that makes sense. My goal doesnt seem to be actually having fun with bowling or eating at the pub, nor will I be drinking any alcohol. Which sounds like I'm already setting myself up for failure by going with the wrong mindset

I guess exposure is the biggest potential positive about it. But even then, it feels like so much at once that idk if it won't make me withdraw back into the house for even more (hell noo). Its as if I'm closing my eyes and sprinting out of my comfort zone hoping to land somewhere thats slightly manageable lol. But on the other hand, I don't really have any easier opportunities, or many other opportunities at all tbh.

AnonymousToe wrote: »

I’m assuming people will be drinking, and people don’t remember things from when they’re drunk. So maybe people wont even remember how it goes anyway?

So true!!
No but actually, I doubt they will be getting that drunk. But yea, I guess I shouldnt put so much focus on what other people think, they will probably be focused on other stuff.
Also, once I start to see a little too much alcohol I will definitely be leaving, I can't stand alcohol. Then maybe if they ask I'll gaslight them "I've been there the entire time you just can't remember coz you were drunk" xD

AnonymousToe wrote: »

I used to get really shaky hands. I take propranolol now and that kind of takes away the physical signs of anxiety like that

Ok thats very reassuring you say that! I want to be safe since I don't think you can talk about doses or frequency of medication here so I won't say much, but this is pretty helpful to know.

But also about shaky hands, idk if you're imagining them as just slightly vibrating lol, but its quite worse than that. Sometimes they tremble so much that I can literally spill a drink I'm holding in my hand... so its not really 'barely noticable' - it'd be difficult not to notice, especially since it happens precisely when other people are looking!! Whyyy??

Again. Thank you so much! I'll try my best and update here how it all goes

JJLemon18

Btw, is it a good idea to ask the organiser about how the pub will roughly go since its my first time going there? Or could that be too awkward or unnecessary?