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My life in a nutshell. Long post. TW
Chloe234
Community Champion Posts: 3,553 Community Veteran
TW SA, Family issues, Loss/Grief, abuse, social workers, Parent relationship breakdown, dementia, cancer, car crash
(Delete the post if too much)
I've been here for a while and never really summed up my life soo here's the basic and majorly simplified version of my life.
Also I blame myself a lot for most things that's happened since I was born. Sometimes I wonder if any of it would've happened if I hadn't been born. And even my own dad from time to time shows how he blames me for a lit of the past too.
So it all started when I was 3 months me and my mum ended up in a mother and baby unit for 6 months because she had a breakdown and couldn't cope. My dad however knew she was a completely different person when we were in Cornwall so once mum got out we moved to Cornwall and 3 months later after the house was sorted mum then kicked dad out which ended up leading to us not getting to see our dad for a while.
Throughout our life mum then went in and out of hospital a few times due to her mental health, and attempts to take her life. I don't remember most of the times it happened but I remember police and ambulances goig in and out. I also know it got worse after i was year 3 in primary school. Some days mum couldn't leave bed so our half brother would take us to school or make us dinner etc and if she ended up in hospital we would visit her after school some days and our gran would come over after school for an hour or so. She would pick up my 2 sisters from their secondary school while our half brother would pick me and my younger sister up from primary school.
While all this was happening my brother would take advantage and he sexually assaulted me and my sister. My mum one day however noticed marks on me and asked what had happened so I told her. She took me to this children's police centre thing and got me to say what had happened yet instead of saying about it being my half brother to say it was our step brother. This stopped us from seeing our dad as it was deemed unsafe. After a while we were told we could only have visits every fortnight with our dad at our Nan's (his mum's) caravan but we couldn't see our step mum or our two step sisters or our step brother. Which at the time I was completely attached to one of my step sisters and I adored my stepmom so I felt like I was being punished for speaking up.
Throughout all this we had social workers in and out of our life. There was this whole fight for custody because our mum wasn't able to look after us. It was between either our dad or our Grandma and it went on for ages. During this me and one of my sisters went to live with my aunt and uncle and cousins and it was the happiest we had been in ages while my younger sister and other older sister went to stay with our gran. It ended up being like that for 1 or 2 years and then they decided to have us all at our grans until the final decision was made for where we go.
We would be asked where we would want to go by the social workers. Our mum and gran would convince us to say we wanted to live with our gran so we could live with our mum when she was better or see our mum whenever we wanted. While we were staying with our gran though she would starve, and barely look after us. Eventually we began asking to live with our dad instead of our gran due to all of this abuse our gran was putting us through jot only physically but also mentally (cant put all detaols here) so then eventually our dad and step mom won and we moved in with them March 28th 2019. Life improved a lot after we moved in with them. Life began feeling somewhat okay but for some reason I still felt low and like things weren't gonna be better for long.
We soon had the conversation about the sexual assault where we told the truth and said about how it was our half brother and not step brother. From here we had medical examinations and we had to do police statements but then we were told there wasn't enough evidence so we ended up just having to move on.
Our step mom was truly the rock throughout this. We found out our nanny(her mum) had dementia, our dad was having some anger issues, a couple fights broke out with family in the house at gatherings, I became scared of my dad for a while, my mental health took a massive decline and my ptsd was awful. But my stepmom helped through it all. She helped my dad improve and if I needed her she was always there.
March 28th 2022 we lost our step mom. She died in a car crash coming back from the hospital after our step sister had our nephew. Things just went down from there. I had to step up and as I was stepping up my mental health declined. I started to self harm to try and cope and I just spent countless nights in tears while trying to be okay for everyone else. I felt I had to be the rock for everybody. Later in the year (July 4th 2022) our Nan passed away although I was slightly numb to it as she had dementia and in a way it felt like we lost her already in a way. We'd also lost one of our cats a month after losing our stepmom and then our other cat last year which wasn't as much of a blow as humans but they were such loved cats.
In 2023 we then found out our aunt had cancer and we were all just hoping that it would be okay and she soon managed to beat it but then it came back. The start of this year we were then told that she only had months left to live which soon turned into weeks then we lost her April 22nd.
February this year I'd also ended up in hospital after trying to take my life. I spent 2 nights there and things just felt like it was at an all time low. But here I am today. Getting there. I'm in college now too and I just hope that things will get better. I hope that im making people proud. But yeah that's the short version of my life.
(Delete the post if too much)
I've been here for a while and never really summed up my life soo here's the basic and majorly simplified version of my life.
Also I blame myself a lot for most things that's happened since I was born. Sometimes I wonder if any of it would've happened if I hadn't been born. And even my own dad from time to time shows how he blames me for a lit of the past too.
So it all started when I was 3 months me and my mum ended up in a mother and baby unit for 6 months because she had a breakdown and couldn't cope. My dad however knew she was a completely different person when we were in Cornwall so once mum got out we moved to Cornwall and 3 months later after the house was sorted mum then kicked dad out which ended up leading to us not getting to see our dad for a while.
Throughout our life mum then went in and out of hospital a few times due to her mental health, and attempts to take her life. I don't remember most of the times it happened but I remember police and ambulances goig in and out. I also know it got worse after i was year 3 in primary school. Some days mum couldn't leave bed so our half brother would take us to school or make us dinner etc and if she ended up in hospital we would visit her after school some days and our gran would come over after school for an hour or so. She would pick up my 2 sisters from their secondary school while our half brother would pick me and my younger sister up from primary school.
While all this was happening my brother would take advantage and he sexually assaulted me and my sister. My mum one day however noticed marks on me and asked what had happened so I told her. She took me to this children's police centre thing and got me to say what had happened yet instead of saying about it being my half brother to say it was our step brother. This stopped us from seeing our dad as it was deemed unsafe. After a while we were told we could only have visits every fortnight with our dad at our Nan's (his mum's) caravan but we couldn't see our step mum or our two step sisters or our step brother. Which at the time I was completely attached to one of my step sisters and I adored my stepmom so I felt like I was being punished for speaking up.
Throughout all this we had social workers in and out of our life. There was this whole fight for custody because our mum wasn't able to look after us. It was between either our dad or our Grandma and it went on for ages. During this me and one of my sisters went to live with my aunt and uncle and cousins and it was the happiest we had been in ages while my younger sister and other older sister went to stay with our gran. It ended up being like that for 1 or 2 years and then they decided to have us all at our grans until the final decision was made for where we go.
We would be asked where we would want to go by the social workers. Our mum and gran would convince us to say we wanted to live with our gran so we could live with our mum when she was better or see our mum whenever we wanted. While we were staying with our gran though she would starve, and barely look after us. Eventually we began asking to live with our dad instead of our gran due to all of this abuse our gran was putting us through jot only physically but also mentally (cant put all detaols here) so then eventually our dad and step mom won and we moved in with them March 28th 2019. Life improved a lot after we moved in with them. Life began feeling somewhat okay but for some reason I still felt low and like things weren't gonna be better for long.
We soon had the conversation about the sexual assault where we told the truth and said about how it was our half brother and not step brother. From here we had medical examinations and we had to do police statements but then we were told there wasn't enough evidence so we ended up just having to move on.
Our step mom was truly the rock throughout this. We found out our nanny(her mum) had dementia, our dad was having some anger issues, a couple fights broke out with family in the house at gatherings, I became scared of my dad for a while, my mental health took a massive decline and my ptsd was awful. But my stepmom helped through it all. She helped my dad improve and if I needed her she was always there.
March 28th 2022 we lost our step mom. She died in a car crash coming back from the hospital after our step sister had our nephew. Things just went down from there. I had to step up and as I was stepping up my mental health declined. I started to self harm to try and cope and I just spent countless nights in tears while trying to be okay for everyone else. I felt I had to be the rock for everybody. Later in the year (July 4th 2022) our Nan passed away although I was slightly numb to it as she had dementia and in a way it felt like we lost her already in a way. We'd also lost one of our cats a month after losing our stepmom and then our other cat last year which wasn't as much of a blow as humans but they were such loved cats.
In 2023 we then found out our aunt had cancer and we were all just hoping that it would be okay and she soon managed to beat it but then it came back. The start of this year we were then told that she only had months left to live which soon turned into weeks then we lost her April 22nd.
February this year I'd also ended up in hospital after trying to take my life. I spent 2 nights there and things just felt like it was at an all time low. But here I am today. Getting there. I'm in college now too and I just hope that things will get better. I hope that im making people proud. But yeah that's the short version of my life.
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
9
Comments
The thing that really stands out to me in your story is the amount of loss you've had, and the amount of times people just didn't provide you what you needed. It's a heavy thing to have to grow up like that and learn lessons that you shouldn't have to learn.
Whatever you do for the next chapters in your life, it feels important that you live the life you need to live, even if that looks different for you than other people.
Things can always get better, especially as you get older and find your independence. But it's also okay if the journey from here turns out to be complex - ups and downs, processing everything that happened, and building a life for yourself. It's hard enough to live on this earth as a human even without the life experience you have, so be kind to yourself about it all. Anyone should be proud of you just for living your life and growing into a good person. ⭐
In all honesty I'm not quite sure why I've randomly posted it but I guess I just thought, I've been here over 2 years and I had to type it out for a thing linked to CAMHS so while I had it I guess it made sense on my mind to just sum it up and put it here. Some things I don't think I've mentioned much about on here and as i said its a massively reduced and in a way I wish it was "as simple" as it sounds
With the loss I guess I'm used to it now. Either it be loss in terms of death or if its loss in terms of leaving my life it's all I've really know tbh. It's just a shame because due to it I had to grow up quicker than I should've had to. Some people claim I'm somewhat mature for my age or that I seem older than I am however it's because I had no choice but to.
I really hope so, although its all a bit of a mess atm I suppose. I've got an idea of a uni I wanna go to but then again that's in 2 years ahah. College hasn't been the greatest and my best friend has this whole massive friend group so I've lost her too and I'm basically just alone now but I suppose I just need to get through the next 2 years
Like you said you’re able to start college and seem to have a direction to where you want to go. So things, regardless of what’s happened will go much better. I hope you blame yourself less to what’s happened to you, because the circumstances in your life is really out of your hands, regardless of how you feel.
❤️
But it's not fair she's just done it to worm her way back in. And I'm not happy about dad saying that it could be a monthly thing. It's just a cycle and I'll get hurt again no doubt. Oh she also knows our address now so that'll be a new fear whenever I'm home alone that she will just turn up.
It's not fair.
Prayers and hugs❤️
I wanna feel like I matter but even my own parents make that hard. I'm having to even pass up on things like paid opportunities I'd love to do just because I'm so limited on what I can do as well. It's all just so isolating and annoying.
We're seeing our mum at her house which makes it even worse. Our half brothers things will be there everywhere and the smell of him will just remind me of everything and I'll just be so paranoid that he's gonna just show up and I hate it. My mum will probably act funny with me too because of how we had the whole massive argument and ever since we haven't spoken or if we have I've just been so fucking dry because I don't wanna end up back in the cycle where we just get hurt again
It's really understandable that you're feeling anxious about your half brother showing up, especially with how his things around the house bring back those traumatic memories. That’s a lot to carry, and you shouldn't have to face it alone
It’s really unfair that your dad is blaming you for the past, that’s not on you at all. None of what happened was your fault in any way. It takes so much courage to speak up about things that matter, and I see how brave you are for doing that. You're doing really well sharing everything with us here
I know you mentioned wanting to feel like you matter, and I want to remind you that you do matter—so much! You're an incredible person, and everyone here sees that in you. Please don’t let anyone else make you feel otherwise.
When you’re going to your mum’s, is there anything that could help you feel safer while you’re there? Maybe reaching out to a support service, contacting your dad, or finding a space where you won’t be alone with anyone? Could seeing her somewhere public, like a cafe, or asking her to come to your dad’s house where you might feel more comfortable, be an option?
We’re here to support you every step of the way. Keep posting here whenever you need to
Not really ill probably be on edge the whole time. Ill probably be around on here for the day but i wont be able to the whole time as no doubt mum will get us doing crafts of something. My dad is going off to see his girlfriend he doesnt know I know about so he will be unreachable and also would get annoyed if i messaged hiim because hes the one making me go. Ill probably be with my sisters the whole time but its still shitty and i still dont wanna go. We were gonna do soewhere in public like we have done before but shes got a load of stuff for us so it "makes it easier for us to go to her house". She would also never be allowed to come to our house. She isnt even meant to know our address but snooped so now shes got it.
Its just not fair at all beacuse my sisters wanna go. I dont yet im still being forced. I hate everything about it and its gonna be so shit. it doesnt seem like a big deal but shes so horrible and manipulative. Its gonna be another cycle where shes just so amazing then does somehing fucked up and i have to call her out on it and have a massive argument with her again.