How can I reassure my boyfriend

One-in-a-million

Just looking for a way to reassure my
Boyfriend. He has children with his ex and is very much still involved in their life which I love. I've met his children a few times as (Daddys friend) they are 2 and 4. They are great children.

He explained to me when we started dating that he still sees his ex during brief encounters due to the children. Which I have said I have no issues with at all after all they are both parents. Its not like he's spending hours or every evening with her or time with her when the children aren't around so I fully understand that its important that his children see that mum and dad are both there for them.

Anyway we have been in a relationship for around 6 months, he has suggested that they take their children out for his daughters birthday. And he did ask me if I wanted to come but he wanted to clear it with his ex first which is fine by me.

He has asked and she's a little uncomfortable with me going. He's apologized and I've tried to explain that I completely understand she's only met me briefly so doesn't really know me. He says he feels guilty and I've explained that I completely understand and that it will be nice for his children to spend a day with mum and dad together. Yes ok they aren't together and are far from friends but they are civil with each other for their childrens sake.

He has expressed to me that he's upset (not angry) that I cant come but I just want to help reasure him that I understand and his daughters day isn't about me and him its about his children spending time with both of their parents.

I think he's worried that I might start feeling left out or jellous but I honestly went into this relationship knowing that it would take time for all parties to accept each other and I am perfectly ok with this day being about his children spending time with their parents together which doesn't happen now they have split.

Any ideas how I can put his mind at rest because like I say these things take time

Lucy_21

Maybe show him clearly that in the times you aren't there you have pleny to occupy you. That it is important to you also he has those solo relationships with his children as it also shows you he is willing to put that time and effort in for them which is comforting for if you one day have your own children and the siblings won't be astrainged from each other. Also explain that you agree that it understandable their mother needs to get to know you more before fully trusting your wish their children as it is just instinctively protection as a mother wich you understand as perfectly normal

sinead276

i completely agree with what Lucy has said

plus i feel as challenging as it is, it might just be one of those things that take time - the more he physically see's that you're okay with the situation you're in, then the more it will ease his mind

but like lucy said, perhaps showing or telling him that you're okay with spending time on your own and you have things to occupy you whilst they're out might work

essentially just healthy communication and reassurance (which it sounds like you're doing it already anyways)

sending hugs
Sinead

Former Member

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Keep doing what you are doing, communicating, being open and honest and reassuring. Hopefully, with time trust will build and the situtation will improve!

Best wishes,
Fiona.

MatchaMia

Hi, that sounds like a challenge that as you said time will hopefully ease. I think the way you're openly communicating is plenty and sometimes people just need that consistent open communication - it's good to tell him why you're okay with it and remind him that you support and care about what he cares about ....to give him a bit of understanding about where you are. It seems like a situation where there isn't much quick fix so being patient with each other is just as important, as well as consistent reassurance. I think your dynamic just needs time to get used to, and as the other's have suggested - he might relax and worry less when he realises that you're really secure. I think he'll more so appreciate your understanding in time.