(Trig sh) Thoughts creeping in again

Distraction

I tried therapy, I told myself to give it a real go, it's almost been a year and while it's really helped my performance in running and I'm really happy about that, I don't see it working for much else.

I feel like I'll be reverting back to old ways, I've been fighting it off for a good while and it' getting very close to giving in, I'm not making this a self pity post, I'm not lacing it with sob story's, I'm just at a loss and I don't see many other options to feel strong and I feel like I won't be able to say no to it soon

Gemma

Hey @Distraction, I'm really sorry you're feeling this way, and I want to acknowledge how hard it is to keep fighting, even when things feel overwhelming. First, I want to say that you're strong for reaching out and sharing this - it takes a lot of courage to be open about what you’re experiencing.

It sounds like therapy has helped you in one area, but it’s understandable that you’re feeling stuck when it comes to other parts of your life. Do you feel comfortable sharing what you feel therapy hasn’t addressed?

If you’re feeling close to giving in to old habits, can you think of anything that’s helped hold you back before, even when it’s been tough? It might be helpful to revisit those small steps that kept you moving forward.

I know you’re doing your best, and it’s okay to feel frustrated - you've done a positive thing by reaching out here. Have you had a chance to talk to your therapist about this, to see if there are different strategies or approaches to try? Maybe there’s something that could shift in your therapy to better support what you’re facing now.

It’s important to remember you don’t have to go through this alone. We're all here for you.

sinead276

we are all here for you @Distraction - you aren't on your own in any of this, no matter how it feels at the time

just wanted to say basically what Gemma has

sending a big hug
Sinead

Distraction

Thanks for the kind words @Gemma

I don't know, I thought I'd feel a sense of relief, a sudden light bulb moment, a feeling of peace, clarity but I still feel stuck, like cabin fever in my head

And I'm tired of "coping" techniques when it comes to sh, it's been 2/3 years now since I last done it and honestly what's the point, I know it'll feel so much better after doing it but you're not meant to do it, so it's full of shame and something seen as a failure if you "relapse" but it really helps me focus and feel directed, think clearly and I hate that I keep thinking about it, keep feeling it in my arm, like I should be able to just turn it off, ignore it, but why not do it, I have to actually say to myself to not do it, to not reach for something and it tears me up being so conflicted and feel like if I keep going on about it then I really should just do it because why am I always saying to myself and on here that it's so hard to say no but I haven't actually done it yet, there's something in my gut that tells me not to, that all the time I've gone against doing it will be thrown away but who am I kidding, it's not like anyone gets a prize for being the longest sh free

And then there's my health worries that I haven't even admitted to him yet, which are probably nothing and I'm just over thinking but to stressed to get checked out

Things that helped were just going to sleep, writing or drawing but honestly the need for it, the empowerment of it, you can't get that from anything else and it seems so silly to say that, but it's like a kick start to pick myself up when everything's cloudy and I've been in this cloudiness for what feels like forever and I tried telling him that and he says it's just anxiety but I feel like he puts everything down to my anxiety and he's not one for really labelling c-ptsd which my first therapist did and c-ptsd made sense but I feel like a fraud saying I still have it because it's not nearly as bad as when I had it as a kid, so I don't actually know whats wrong or how to fix it

We revisited goals last week but I don't even know what I was saying to him

To be honest, I feel like a fat spoiled overgrown child and I'm not looking for someone to say I'm not because I know that's just the tenmatantrum toddler coming out but it feels real, it feels like I haven't grown up sometimes, like everything so closed around me, one way focused, like I can't branch out, can't grow, sometimes I feel like a caged animal lol

I don't know if any of this makes sense