Being lesbian and feeling confused

mistyinthesky

Hey everyone. Today I was at work, and one of my coworkers who is a lot older than me teased me about flirting with one of the boys. I heard what she said and was really embarrassed. I wasn’t mad at her but it did make me quite uncomfortable. I am lesbian (I think) and I don’t want the other boy / any boy to get confused. I am really confused about who I love to be honest. It’s hard as I enjoy the thought have being ‘normal’ and I think often how easy it must be for straight people to get partners. I very embarrassingly enjoy having attention from boys but I am again very careful as I wouldn’t want to lead any boys on. I have had to be really careful about this as I’m growing up into an adult. I never have as strong feelings for a boy as a girl (I’m a girl). I think it’s almost sweet that a boy would like me in that way, but never love a boy deeply back and have feelings for a boy, like I would a girl. My feelings for girls are so strong, I love women. I see myself with a women in the future and as I said, I have never fallen madly in love with a boy, I’ve only had really deep feelings for girls. I went to an all girls school however and since being with boys in work, it’s made me slightly doubt if I’m fully lesbian because I think that maybe (a big maybe), if a boy were to love me and get as close to me as a girl would, I may actually enjoy it. I do doubt this though. Does anyone have any advice? My coworker who said that comment to me, I really wanted to just say to her jokingly that I don’t love this boy as I’m lesbian, but at the same time, there are people she knows that are also friends with me, that I wouldn’t want to know this fact about me as some of these people I have had a crush on. I wouldn’t want them to put two and two together about how I’ve acted around them if this makes sense. Keeping it private means that I am able to enjoy the feeling of having a crush on someone without them being weird around me sometimes as well. I can also remain their friends but just let it pass gradually. Of course I never cross boundaries (I’ve learned a lot about this, good and bad), but it’s so hard being a lesbian. I worry my friends who are girls would think of me differently, I just wouldn’t want some people to know this about me. Can anyone relate xx

mistyinthesky

Also I just wanted to add, it’s so hard listening to friends who are straight having such lovely relationships. I had a friend who I met up with the other day and all she could talk about was her soon to be hopefully boyfriend. It’s so easy for her to go and find someone but for me as a lesbian, it’s so hard because I could embarrass myself by even saying that first off, and then it’s got to work after . I got so annoyed I left early from our group party as I was bored of hearing how good it was going for her. She wouldn’t stop!! At the same time I’m glad she is happy but it was hard to listen to.

Orchid059

Hi @mistyinthesky I'd just like to say well done for reaching out to the community as it can be scary posting on here at first. It sounds like you are discovering what you like in a partner whether it be boys or girls and that is perfectly normal. From what you have said it seems you are more interested in pursuing something with a girl and can envision a future with them, whereas with a boy it sounds like you're more unsure. At this stage it's entirely okay because it is all about self- discovery. I would suggest exploring how you feel and if you feel a connection then pursue it! Remember don't feel like you have to fit a label to fit society's standards. Love is a spectrum so you may not be entirely one nor the other- that's what makes it so fun and exciting.

At the same time, I can understand your feelings of frustration hearing your friends talk about their heterosexual relationships because it is more widely talked about in society. However, don't let that discourage you from finding someone. Finding someone can be difficult especially when you have to consider whether the girl shares similar feelings, but there is no rush with this and take your time until you're ready to come out to those around you. Often we find that special someone when we're not even looking, so I can assure you love will find your way.

I hope this reassured you some what. Let us know how you get on- we are always here if you need someone to talk to

issie

Hey @mistyinthesky 💙

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this, and it sounds like you're carrying a lot around your sexuality right now. I want you to know that I really hear what you're feeling. As a queer woman myself, I understand how it feels like we're constantly navigating complicated emotions around our sexuality, while also dealing with uncomfortable situations in a very heteronormative world! The comment from your coworker sounds very uncomfortable, especially since you’re still figuring things out for yourself. It’s hard when you’re not fully ready to share that part of yourself and someone teases you in a way that feels like it puts a spotlight on you, even if they don’t realise it.

When it comes to enjoying the idea that someone might think you're attracted to boys or enjoying male attention, I think that's really normal. We’ve all been raised in a world where, as women and girls, we're taught that male attention is important, so it makes sense that those feelings don’t just disappear, even if we’re attracted to and all fall deeply for other women and girls! I know it can feel SUPER confusing, especially since, as you mentioned, you're not sure if you want to take things further with boys. As you grow and explore your sexuality, you might start to better understand these feelings and figure out what you actually want in relationships - I know that was the case for me! It’s also important to remember that human sexuality is incredibly diverse and can change throughout our lives, so over time, you might experience new feelings that are different from what you feel now. My advice would be to go with the motions where you can, listen to your body, and most importantly, your heart! As confusing as it can be, embracing our sexuality for everything it is can be both empowering (and super fun!)

When it comes to sharing your sexuality with your coworkers and navigating crushes, many queer people have experienced this, so you're definitely not alone! I'm also really proud of you for always respecting boundaries, as that can be hard when you have strong feelings for someone who might not feel the same way. Because of this, if you feel comfortable and ready, it could be safe to share your sexuality with your coworkers. It doesn’t sound like you’ve crossed any lines or made your feelings obvious in an inappropriate way, and being open about who you are can be really important for your sense of identity. Also, I would add, that having crushes is completely normal, just like it is for straight people. Everyone, including heterosexual people, experiences unrequited love or feelings, and it would be unfair for your coworkers to judge you for that. Of course, knowing this doesn’t always make it easier if that happens, but you have every right to be yourself and feel what you feel, as long as it's handled appropriately and with respect for the other person!

I really hope this helps you feel a bit less alone! Remember, this community is always here and is a safe space to feel everything. You're doing so well 🌻