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Im just tired.

Chloe234Chloe234 Community Champion Posts: 3,546 Community Veteran
Its just so exhausting having to deal with all of this. Im trying to be okay but its just so hard. I start college on thursday and im just so anxious, im gonna end up being the one sat alone in the corner or something. As well as that I dont even know if ill be able to manage it all. Getting up at 7ish when ive been getting up at 10ish, to be out the house by 8 for the bus, to then have to be at college till half 4 to have to get the bus and not get back till 5:30 - 6pm. Its gonna be such a long day and even just 5 mins of being out can take everything out of myself.

Any energy i have is just running out from small and silly tasks. I feel like im going to have to mask a bit of who i am too. The college only thinks i have manageable anxiety and thats it when really ive got depression and anxiety i barely manage. I also feel like personality wise im just not what i should be and things like my silly obsession for ducks needs to be different too.

I just hate how constantly exhausted i am. I want to be okay but all my energy is going into having to manage everyday and to having to cope mentally. Im 25 days clean from self harm as well but its just taking so much fighting the urges for that as well.

Im just so tired and i hate it
🦆💜🦆💜🦆

Comments

  • Orchid059Orchid059 Moderator Posts: 300 The Mix Regular
    Hi @Chloe234 I'd just like to remind you that you are doing so well. We're so proud of you! I can understand how stressful starting at college can be- you're allowed to feel anxious because change is scary. It sounds like you're worried about adjusting to a routine again and while it may take a few days to adapt, I am sure you will get into the swing of things again. I would suggest start going to bed earlier a few days prior and start waking up slightly earlier so that it's less of a shock to wake up so early again!

    As for masking yourself to fit in, I would advise against this because by being your authentic self you will always find your people. It can feel daunting meeting new people but after the first few days, I am sure you will start getting to know your peers. I would also make the college aware of the extent of your anxiety so they can put in place the correct contingency plans for you to make you feel supported.

    Keep us updated with how you get on- we are always here for a chat <3
  • Chloe234Chloe234 Community Champion Posts: 3,546 Community Veteran
    edited September 1
    Don't know how I'm gonna do this.

    Relapsed with my self harm. I'm safe tho. Js disapointed. I ruined 26 days of being clean. Want to force myself to be okay tjo. Feel like if I'm unable to give support them I shouldn't say anything. That includes reaching out for myself.
    🦆💜🦆💜🦆
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 2,381 Boards Champion
    Chloe234 wrote: »
    I also feel like personality wise im just not what i should be and things like my silly obsession for ducks needs to be different too.
    aww don’t say that, there’s nothing wrong with it!

    You’re important too and you deserve support 🫂
  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 1,138 Wise Owl
    edited September 2
    Chloe234 wrote: »
    Don't know how I'm gonna do this.

    Relapsed with my self harm. I'm safe tho. Js disapointed. I ruined 26 days of being clean. Want to force myself to be okay tjo. Feel like if I'm unable to give support them I shouldn't say anything. That includes reaching out for myself.

    Just echoing what Toe has shared above, you're so important too Chloe and you matter to us. Can I ask if anything triggered these urges? <3

    It sounds like you've got so much on your plate at the moment. Starting college is a big change, and it's understandable that you're feeling anxious about it. The long days and early mornings would be tough for anyone, especially when you're already feeling so drained.

    It must be really hard to feel like you have to mask who you are. I just want to say that there's nothing wrong with who you are (including your love for ducks which I absolutely love!) or anything else that makes you you. :)

    How are you feeling about starting college beyond the anxiety? Is there anything in particular that you’re looking forward to, or maybe something that you’re worried about that we can talk through? <3
    ♡♡♡
  • Chloe234Chloe234 Community Champion Posts: 3,546 Community Veteran
    Thankyou @Gemma <3

    I dont realy know at the moment. I think it was just the buildup of everything and im going through this mindset where i feel that if im unable to give support then i cant reach out for it myself. I dont know i just feel so selfish always taking but never giving. And i guess because of all that it all just got a bit much and i was overwhelmed by everything.

    I guess im a little excited? Idk its hard because it just feels like all im doing is down falling mentally and im just so worried my mental health is gonna ruin everything again. Like yeah itll be nice to be doing something i love doing but i just dont know how realistic im being. Im covered in scars, Mentally i can barely get out of bed and also if im like this am i really someone people will want to trust to look after their children.

    I dont know, everythings a lot
    🦆💜🦆💜🦆
  • GemmaGemma Community Manager Posts: 1,138 Wise Owl
    Hey @Chloe234, that makes sense and you're doing well to share this with us. You can certainly reach out for support even though you're unable to give it yourself. Here in the community we support each other, and that means there might be times where we're reaching out for support ourselves when things are tough, and other times when we feel better able to support others. You deserve space to meet your own needs. <3

    I'm glad to hear you are feeling some excitement about starting college and doing something you love! What is it you'll be studying again? I know you want to be a teacher so is it related to that?

    It's okay to be struggling with your mental health right now. That doesn't determine how trustworthy you are or will be in the future. It's okay not to be okay and you're doing so well to get support for yourself. I also actually think having some lived experience of the low points that life can bring us, oftentimes makes us more connected to other people going through something similar, and so thinking about your future in teaching, I can see you being such a wonderful, empathetic person who looks out for everyone. <3
    ♡♡♡
  • Chloe234Chloe234 Community Champion Posts: 3,546 Community Veteran
    Thanks again @Gemma <3

    I guess idk though i feel like i just dont matter as much as everything else

    Ill be doing a T level in early years education and childcare. So basically to get the qualification for working with 3 or 4 months - 5 years and then i can use that to possibly get into uni for primary teaching afterwards.

    I guess but i dont know im just worried itll affect my performance with kids and just like most ither things ill lose motivation again or something like i have for a lot of other things.

    I start tomorrow lol im petrified
    🦆💜🦆💜🦆
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