Felt criticised ignored and sent away

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Former Member

Hi @Creativeboy23,

thank you for reaching out, I am sorry you are feeling this way. But I think you have done a great job in expressing your feelings and explaining why you feel the way you do.

Do you think you could express this to your support worker?

It is hard to keep confidence when you feel people make condescending remarks and make you feel ignored and sent away. But remember the positivity you felt and everything you did to achieve what you have.

Best wishes,
Fiona.

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Former Member

I understand that you are not comfortable with sharing your feelings with him, due to being invalidated before, is there anything you think will help mend your relationship?

I am sorry to hear that you were not informed earlier of something as important as a change in support workers, it can be a difficult change and situation. If they are only present for some time, it can be hard to form a relationship and get on with them. Is there anyone else who you feel supported by?

I am doing good at the moment, thank you for asking. ◡̈

Former Member

Creativeboy23 wrote: »

I asked my support worker if he would help me carry some shopping. He asked something along the lines of why I cannot carry it I have done it before. He said the whole point I am living at the supported accommodation is to be independent which is the comment that stayed with me. I felt I was being criticised as a young person, which came off as condescending. The remark made me feel ignored and sent away and lose confidence in previous positive situations, such as the assistant manager’s friendly interaction with me. It was very spontaneous, since my relationship with him has been positive.

My experience brought up memories of when my mentor at university would offer his opinion about my feelings, and my brother and dad dismissed my sensitivity by telling me that I am going to encounter these situations in the future.

Overall, I feel that most people are against me making feel very isolated.

I’ve had passive aggressive staff/people with backhand comments and inside jokes etc
I’m on strong meds and people would call me lazy for not getting up in the morning. They basically said the same thing, that I have to learn how to be independent.
It really upset me and it made my self harm worse.

But coming out of hospital, then supported living and being discharged into the community I learned to cope and that these people (hospital or not) are not in my “circle”.

In the deepest part of my circle there is me. I’ve really explored who I am as a person and what I like and dislike; who I want to be in the world, regardless what someone outside the circle thinks. This takes time, but you will become more confident as you do this.
Remember to take care of yourself first before you help someone else.
Being kind and sensitive is a wonderful trait to have, but in expense of your needs, is it worth it?
I spent a lot of my life being passed on like a piece of trash, being asked for money, for smokes, for food and I’d give it them. Because I wanted that validation and acceptance, from everyone I met. I even started taking substances just to fit in, so to feel happy I was ruining my own life (without realising it).

But I urge you to try and accept you first. It will take time, but your self esteem is the first priority.
There’s a reason why you put the oxygen mask on yourself first in a plane before someone else - if you don’t, you won’t be able to help someone else.

The layer surrounding you are your loved ones - people you can really trust. This will take time but have a deep think about your family or your close friends, or anyone important to you. - they belong there. You need their validation. If things go wrong ask them. You want them to care about you because you care about them so be completely honest with them and tell them your feelings.

Then surrounding layer that are acquaintances. This should be reserved for everyone you meet.
Treat everyone with dignity and respect but try your hardest not to feel uneasy if they have invalidated or disrespected you, if you’ve not done anything wrong to them.
If they have really upset you, kick them out of the circle. Don’t be mean or rude back, just be calm, respectful but realise that these people are not worth it.

Now you can shift people from each layer depending on what happens but make sure you remember what the person who is outside the circle did. Forgive, but don’t forget.
That way you can identify who you can trust in life. Start in the middle and go out the edges. Don’t trust anyone outside the edges.

Remember as well that there is always going to be someone who doesn’t like you. It’s statistically impossible for everyone to be cheering you on and being nice. There’s something called transference in clinical settings. It’s when you associate feelings for people that help you, like the support worker who was being mean to you.
I struggled with that. I fell in love with someone who took care of me and self harmed when she stopped working constantly.
But then I realised that person was just working there - it was her job. Looking back this person wouldn’t have done the things they’ve done for me if they didn’t get paid.
When I got evicted they just said “bye” and that was it, they had to work with the next person. I was hurt but I started focussing on what I want instead of what others want.

I hope you don’t take this in the wrong way, I am validating your feelings. I’ve written this message especially for you because I could empathise with you. But I want you to challenge me if you do get upset. Assertiveness is important for self esteem too.

Please stay safe and be strong

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Former Member

Creativeboy23 wrote: »

.

What did you mean is my sensitivity and kindness worth in expense of my needs?

Thanks. I did feel my experience was validated.

I meant that is it worth being nice to people who treat you badly?

Like that support worker, is it worth caring if he doesn’t show that he cares back?

Put yourself first, and try to be selfish for the sake of your health sometimes.

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