Missing my friend

Former Member

Hi, I unfortunately had a really bad experience at university. I fell out with my flatmates and was just really horrible. It was my first time coming out as lesbian and I got a crush on my friend in my flat. She didnt like me back which made me super upset as it was the first time I had any sort of crush on someone who I could actually tell. When she said no, it felt like all of my mental health problems came flooding back. I really embarrassed myself when she said she didn’t like me and I just became completely awful and was horrible to everyone. I had to leave the uni and come home as I wasn’t coping well. I can’t contact any of them anymore and would prefer not to as they all hate me, however I never ever will stop missing those people I fell out with and I wish I never was horrible to them and never said anything, especially the friend who I fell in love with. I miss her every day. She was the kindest to me and so caring. I don’t really miss one girl who I felt was quite two faces but the other friend I again miss so much. Again so kind. Has anyone got any advice at all? I’m okay as it happened quite a few months ago but still miss them always. I’ve never had an experience like this before.

EmLiz

I wanted to start by saying well done on reaching out and being so vulnerable on here @mistyinthesky it's not an easy thing to do to open up about something so personal to you.

Coming out can unfortunately be a difficult time for many - and when that is in hand with confusing feelings for someone you are already close with it's understandable that can really set you back and impact your wellbeing. But also well done for coming out and learning more about who you are. That is a step in itself to celebrate.

It sounds like this was a really difficult time for you and sounds like you've spent some time reflecting on that situation and how it made you feel, how you handled it and also how your friends handled it. No one is ever perfect, and that's okay! We all do things we aren't proud of sometimes and it's important to recognise those times to continue to grow and learn.

I know you said you can't and would prefer not to contact them anymore - would you mind explaining why? While I don't know the ins and outs of this specific situation so can't offer advice, sometimes an apology can go a long way if it's the right time for one

I also wondered if you are still at home? How do you feel about going back?

Either way I wanted to say we're here for you to keep offering support and to help you talk through your thoughts and feelings

Former Member

Thank you so much for your response . Yes it was hugely impactful where I learned a lot about myself. I did apologise eventually but unfortunately, I think the friendships all became very toxic and I just didn’t trust them enough anymore and they didn’t trust me either. I quit uni and am going to a different closer one which is actually better for me. I was still angry at the whole situation so me apologising, didn’t take the feelings away, therefore it just was the same. a positive that came out of it though is that I was strong enough to stop and then go do a different uni. They all blocked me online too and I unfortunately became very ill and I am too fearful to go back to that and it will never happen. They wanted to move on without me. I just wish I could easier accept when someone doesn’t like me back and wouldn’t get so attached to people if that makes sense. It wasn’t the other girls fault she didn’t like me back! X

ameliaJayne

@mistyinthesky I just wanted to say that i think your ability to reflect on the situation that happened is absolutely amazing. Being able to admit that you acted in a way that wasn't the nicest because you were hurting yourself is truly great self awareness. I think that is so impressive.

Missing friends is such a hard emotion to deal with. Having friends is important to stay mentally healthy. How would you feel about messaging a couple of them apologising for how you reacted and explain just as you did to us that you think it came from a place of hurt.
They may not respond how you want them to and that is okay, it doesn't hurt to try to reach out. You never know what might happen.

Well done for opening up about this, I can imagine it cant be easy. You sound like an extremely caring and attentive person. I am proud of you.

issie

Hey @mistyinthesky,

I know how hard it must have been to come out and share your feelings with your flatmate. It takes so much courage to be open and vulnerable like that, and I'm proud of you for taking those steps. It's completely understandable that emotions ran high when things didn't go the way you hoped. When we care about someone and they don't feel the same, it can really hurt, and it's easy to say things in the heat of the moment that we don't mean, especially if we're feeling embarrassed or rejected. This is something I have definitely experienced before as a queer woman. The important thing is that you recognise this now - that shows a lot of self-awareness and growth.

I'm sorry to hear that apologising didn't repair the friendship in the way you wanted it to. This happens sometimes, and it really sucks. However, you did the right thing by reaching out and apologising, so I hope you can take some comfort in that. It sounds like you made the right call to go to a different uni and start fresh. I'm proud of you for that!

In terms of accepting when someone doesn't have the same feelings for you, this can be hard and is something lots of people, especially within the queer community, find themselves having to navigate! I guess I would say that it’s so natural to want that connection, and it can be hard not to get attached when you really care about someone. The important thing to remember is that your feelings are valid, and it's okay to feel hurt or disappointed. It’s also great that you can recognise that it’s not the other girl’s fault - feelings are complex, and sometimes they just don’t match up the way we hope. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or her; it’s just part of life and love. But do be kind to yourself as you navigate this. Learning to manage attachment and acceptance is something that takes time and experience. You’re already showing a lot of self-awareness, which is a big step. With time, it will get easier to handle these situations without feeling so attached or hurt.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself—feelings can be messy, especially when we're first figuring out our identity. In the LGBTQ+ community, we’re often all just trying to figure things out as we go, and it’s okay to make mistakes along the way. You're a good person, and these are just bumps in the road!

Take good care of yourself.