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I'm falling to pieces.
Chloe234
Community Champion Posts: 3,508 Community Veteran
I'm not me anymore. Earlier I was curled up on the bathroom floor sobbing my eyes out because I have no one anymore. I can't turn to anyone when I need them most. Every day all I'm focusing on is keeping myself together because I have to look okay. I have to be okay. But yet I'm just someone who's falling to pieces and losing hope in life. It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle but I have to carry on because I cant be the dead daughter, the dead sister, the dead friend.
Even if i just look in the mirror. I cant recognize myself, all i see is pain. The little girl who always told herself things would be okay, things would get better....is gone. Things wont be okay. They wont get better. Ive lost myself. I'm in pieces. I'm a mess.
Im so rude recently too and i hate it. I feel like im turning into a monster. No wonder no one wants to be around me. No wonder my own best friend has drifted away from me.
Even if i just look in the mirror. I cant recognize myself, all i see is pain. The little girl who always told herself things would be okay, things would get better....is gone. Things wont be okay. They wont get better. Ive lost myself. I'm in pieces. I'm a mess.
Im so rude recently too and i hate it. I feel like im turning into a monster. No wonder no one wants to be around me. No wonder my own best friend has drifted away from me.
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
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Comments
Thanks so much for sharing how you've been feeling. It sounds like you're having some intense feelings right now, thank you for trusting us with them.
You're doing so well to keep moving forward when you're feeling this way, you're not alone there is a whole community here who've got your back.
We're here if you need to talk, and so are lots of places that can help; I'm going to post a few below, and if at any point you're feeling unsafe or like it's too much please reach out to one of the services below or contact 999. You're a wonderful person Chloe, and deserve the very best support.
Get support
Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
Childline | call 0800 11 11
“People who wade into discomfort and vulnerability and tell the truth about their stories are the real badasses.”
- Brene Brown
Thank you very much for being brave enough, and trusting us enough to share your feelings. It sounds like you are going through a lot right now, and it is not surprising you do not feel like yourself or are acting the way normally would. It is understandable - you should give yourself credit for being able to recognise the hardships you are enduring and be gentle with yourself during this time.
It can feel very isolating and lonely but as Italia has said above, there are people who understand and are there for you, she has provided some useful resources.
Please let us know if you need anything else, we are here for you.
Wishing you all the best,
Fiona.
Remember to be gentle and kind to yourself, and also give yourself the time and space to feel what you are feeling, as it tends to help more than trying to bottle it up. Your feelings are 100% valid and however you feel is completely okay to feel.
If you need more support please reach out either to us or to the support links/information that Italia has provided.
Sending you the biggest hug and remember you are so loved by many, even when it may not seem that way. THE MIX LOVE YOUUU
Sinead
Feeling like a burden or a waste of space is unfortunately really common for those of us struggling with our mental health. It doesn't reflect the truth about your value or your impact on the world. You matter, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.
You mentioned that you've tried reaching out but then feel unable to follow through with contacting services you get signposted to. This is totally understandable when you're feeling overwhelmed and low. Sometimes, taking even the smallest step can feel like climbing a mountain. It's okay to move at your own pace and to be gentle with yourself. Is there a reason why you find it tricky to reach out to those other support services?
Sometimes what can help me when I'm struggling is focusing on small tasks rather than thinking about all the things I "should" be doing. Even getting out of bed and sitting by your window is something to be proud of on difficult days. Getting yourself into a routine might also be helpful, even if that's small and manageable. Consistency can often help create that sense of normality and purpose.
You're not a burden. The world is better with you in it, and there are people who care deeply about you and want to help, like us! It’s okay to lean on others, like the community here, and to seek out the support you need. You deserve to feel better, your feelings are valid, and your pain is real, but so is the possibility of finding light and hope again.
Is there something you can do today to help you feel a little more grounded? Something you enjoy doing that can bring you even a little bit of relief? I hope you find that today and keep us updated with how you're doing.
I think the main thing is having to trust another person. My whole life ive had to always let social workers and police (to make statements to them etc) and other strangers into my life and after that i struggle with trusting people or letting them in so i tend to avoid it. I also struggle with 1-1 things because i dont like being "alone"/talking to people i dont know or havent gotten to trust without someone else with me. Even when i had drama therapy when i was younger me and my sister would have the sessions toghether because we didnt wanna be alone. Im also so so scared ill say something wrong and theyll call ES as some support services are pretty light with their judgement.
Its just hard to do that because theres only so much i can do at home and im worried about having to change routine again when i dont like change. I usually have small bits to the week which i see as routine but i dont set anything massive untl im back at college or something. Like usually i remember tuesdays as circle day so i cant let things cross over, or wednesday nights are takeaway nights and if the weather is nice i usually go for a surf etc. And these are weekly things so i see it slightly as routine. Even if my dads home from work later than usual it throws me off
Ive got a new tiny shelf that stands on my draws so I duckafied it and now im reorganising my ducks
You're dealing with a lot and it's completely understandable why trust and routine are so important to you. It can be so difficult to let people into our lives, especially when it requires sharing personal details with social workers and police which can feel invasive. Our routines can provide that sense of stability and comfort and any disruption to them understandably throws us off balance.
Have there been any 1-1 spaces where you have felt safe enough to open up? Can you think of anything specific in those spaces that helped you to feel safe and trust someone else with your feelings?
It's great that you've found small routines that help you feel more grounded, like Support Circle on Tuesdays, takeaway nights on Wednesdays, and surfing when the weather is nice. It sounds like these things give you that sense of predictability and control in your life, which is so important when other things are feeling uncertain or overwhelming. You are so strong for managing your routines and finding small ways to feel secure and stable. This shows a lot of resilience.
When you need to interact with new people or face changes, it's totally okay to do this gradually. If we take small steps, this can make big changes feel less overwhelming. Just as you did with your sister during drama therapy, having someone you trust and know well by your side in stressful situations can provide comfort and support and that's certainly not a bad thing.
Reorganising your ducks is such a lovely and Chloe-coded thing to bring you some joy haha
You're doing a great job managing a lot of difficult emotions, Chloe. It's okay to take things one step at a time and keep reaching out here. Your feelings are valid and taking care of yourself is the most important thing.
I dont know I had 1-1 counselling in school but I even tried to avoid that and had to go with a teacher who i was close too because i ended up having a massive panic attack and even then I barely spoke. Ive reached out to CALM once as well but that was with a massive push from my friend and I also got desperate i guess. It was a while ago tho and when I tried again more recently and just froze up and stopped before they answered.
Hehe it took my mind off things a little and now i have even more space for ducks :P I am needing more duck stickers now tho as my supply is low so ill have to order more (I even noticed there's a duck that's surfing on the ones I'm looking at lol
I don't feel I am though