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I hate that I'm like this
Chloe234
Community Champion Posts: 3,450 Boards Guru
Trigger warnings: Cancer, Urges, Suicidal thoughts, Family issues, SA
I hate it. Why am I like this? Why am I such a burden? Why am I incapable of being okay?
It's just got to the point where I've honestly had it. I've had enough of feeling like this, being like this, having to live going through so much fucking shit and having to suffer the consequences from it.
The weekend
This weekend has been amazing and I couldn't have asked for a better weekend but why am I so fucking low because of it. I'm so sensitive man. Every little thing my best friend did that usually I laugh off just upset me and I hate it. She joked about me getting skin cancer because I cant cope with the feel of sun cream and her mum then joked about me having to enjoy chemotherapy and it fucking hurt hut they don't mean it...I don't think.
Even just sitting there after the day out with my friends for pride I was sat there trying to hide the fact I had tears rolling down my face. Being with my friends just makes me feel like I should feel that way even when I'm at home yet I don't. All the hugs I had from my friends just made me remember how I never get a hug anymore from My dad. My sisters. My family. It's just a fucking hug.
As soon as I got in the car leaving my friends I instantly felt overwhelmed by the crash of my mental health. I wanted to cry, relapse, hug someone. I felt alone, lost, and I just instantly fell back into the pit 10 times more than I had before the weekend.
My parents
My dad didn't even want to fucking see me. I could tell. He picked me up and he just spoke to my older sister. I'm in the back in silent while they're chatting away. It's not fair. He loves my two sisters I live with. Why can't he love me? They were making plans to go to this truck fest next year. Yet I don't like that stuff so yet again I'll be tossed to the side. I'm sorry I have different interests. I'm sorry I can't be more like my sisters.
My mum doesn't even message anymore but oh she will quite happily message my sisters for a chat and check in. Not me though. Of course not me. She only ever messages if she needs something which isn't surprising yet she wonders why I'm such a bitch towards her.
I get that I'm a fucking mess up. I get I'm a mistake. I get that I'm unwanted. Ever since i was born there were problems after problems. I'm basically a curse. Even when I turned 3 months old my mum had a breakdown and she ended up in a mother and baby unit for 6 months with me. Its clear i caused problems even as a child. No wonder my parents don't want me.
My dad is probably so disappointed in me too. Why would anyone want a daughter like me. Ive failed as a daughter. Even when I attempted in February he could barely face me. He stayed home most the time and just left me alone in the hospital. I didn't even tell my mum until months after and it was mid argument yet surprise surprise she just used it as an excuse to try and divert the argument.
Grief for my stepmom
I'm just losing everyone. I'm tired of it. I lost my stepmom yet she was the only person who cared about me. She treated us like her own and she would listen and she actually loved us. Even when my dad was going to give up on fighting for us in the custody battle, she made him keep fighting. She even helped me with my mental health a bit. It felt like she actually understood us. But that all went down the drain over 2 years ago. Things felt okay when she was there but it all crashed down.
It feels like everyone's moved on but I haven't. Every day i just long for her to be here. To make things better.
My mental health
I'm slowly reaching my lowest again and i hate it. I crash after going out, I have urges to relapse daily, I always have a constant thought of.. Would it be better if i wasn't here? What if this happened? What if I..? Its all just such a burden on myself and others. I dont feel I deserve any support. Even the professionals somewhat back it because they promised support they never gave.
I hate it. Why am I like this? Why am I such a burden? Why am I incapable of being okay?
It's just got to the point where I've honestly had it. I've had enough of feeling like this, being like this, having to live going through so much fucking shit and having to suffer the consequences from it.
The weekend
This weekend has been amazing and I couldn't have asked for a better weekend but why am I so fucking low because of it. I'm so sensitive man. Every little thing my best friend did that usually I laugh off just upset me and I hate it. She joked about me getting skin cancer because I cant cope with the feel of sun cream and her mum then joked about me having to enjoy chemotherapy and it fucking hurt hut they don't mean it...I don't think.
Even just sitting there after the day out with my friends for pride I was sat there trying to hide the fact I had tears rolling down my face. Being with my friends just makes me feel like I should feel that way even when I'm at home yet I don't. All the hugs I had from my friends just made me remember how I never get a hug anymore from My dad. My sisters. My family. It's just a fucking hug.
As soon as I got in the car leaving my friends I instantly felt overwhelmed by the crash of my mental health. I wanted to cry, relapse, hug someone. I felt alone, lost, and I just instantly fell back into the pit 10 times more than I had before the weekend.
My parents
My dad didn't even want to fucking see me. I could tell. He picked me up and he just spoke to my older sister. I'm in the back in silent while they're chatting away. It's not fair. He loves my two sisters I live with. Why can't he love me? They were making plans to go to this truck fest next year. Yet I don't like that stuff so yet again I'll be tossed to the side. I'm sorry I have different interests. I'm sorry I can't be more like my sisters.
My mum doesn't even message anymore but oh she will quite happily message my sisters for a chat and check in. Not me though. Of course not me. She only ever messages if she needs something which isn't surprising yet she wonders why I'm such a bitch towards her.
I get that I'm a fucking mess up. I get I'm a mistake. I get that I'm unwanted. Ever since i was born there were problems after problems. I'm basically a curse. Even when I turned 3 months old my mum had a breakdown and she ended up in a mother and baby unit for 6 months with me. Its clear i caused problems even as a child. No wonder my parents don't want me.
My dad is probably so disappointed in me too. Why would anyone want a daughter like me. Ive failed as a daughter. Even when I attempted in February he could barely face me. He stayed home most the time and just left me alone in the hospital. I didn't even tell my mum until months after and it was mid argument yet surprise surprise she just used it as an excuse to try and divert the argument.
Grief for my stepmom
I'm just losing everyone. I'm tired of it. I lost my stepmom yet she was the only person who cared about me. She treated us like her own and she would listen and she actually loved us. Even when my dad was going to give up on fighting for us in the custody battle, she made him keep fighting. She even helped me with my mental health a bit. It felt like she actually understood us. But that all went down the drain over 2 years ago. Things felt okay when she was there but it all crashed down.
It feels like everyone's moved on but I haven't. Every day i just long for her to be here. To make things better.
My mental health
I'm slowly reaching my lowest again and i hate it. I crash after going out, I have urges to relapse daily, I always have a constant thought of.. Would it be better if i wasn't here? What if this happened? What if I..? Its all just such a burden on myself and others. I dont feel I deserve any support. Even the professionals somewhat back it because they promised support they never gave.
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
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Comments
It sounds like the weekend was especially tough seeing your friends and feeling like you should be feeling the same way they do, and your dad making you feel like he doesn't care. Being around friends and feeling out of sync with them can feel really isolating, like no one truly understands or knows what you're going through. That's especially hard when you're struggling too
I can also hear how much your family are letting you down and how it feels like you're unwanted and a disappointment. From your message, I could really hear how much you needed that support from your dad over the weekend and someone to ask if you were okay. A question like that can make all the difference or even a hug like you're missing from him at the moment. I'm wondering how things are with your sisters? Would you feel comfy opening up to them about how you're feeling and the support that you'd find helpful from your dad?
Your stepmom sounds like she was a really special person in your life and it's completely understandable to hear how hard it's been over the last couple years. It's also okay to be finding it hard, it's not so simple as moving on when we loose someone we care about but it will feel easier as time goes on. I'm wondering if you've heard of growing around grief? It's often talked about in support spaces when we're struggling with the loss of someone and a helpful reminder that it's okay to have days where the grief still feels heavy and days where it's a bit easier. The grief we feel for the person we've lost will stay the same size, but we grow around it as time goes by. I've popped some info below from Cruse's website below that talks this through in more detail, and there's also a nice diagram too that helps explain it a bit better than I did
There is a mention of someone's experience of loss so be sure to read when you're feeling okay to do so.
You mentioned your stepmom helped you with your mental health, she sounds like she was such an important source of support for you Chloe. Do you feel comfy sharing more about the things she did to help you? What do you think she would say to you now to help you keep fighting through these tough days?
Keep reaching out whenever you need to Chloe. The professional services are letting so many people down, but that doesn't mean you're any less deserving of support. You're very cared about here and we're all really proud of you.
I understand that things are really difficult for you at the moment, particularly the lack of support from your family. It's really hard when you feel expected to be acting a certain way around friends and family, but you don't physically have the energy to. I'm wondering how you're feeling now?
I cant open up to them. Im not close to them, im just the one kicked to the curb. One of my sisters couldnt care less about me then my other sister claims me trying to take my life was me attention seeking.
Yeah ive heard of it all the time. The amount of times ive lost people i think i could sit and recite it all. lol.
She just listened. She understood me because she struggled with mental health too. Idk
im still the same. just the usual sad me who hasnt left bed all day. everything i said is still there.
Really really struggling. Laying here really worked up but trying to calm myself. I just don't know how to cope with it all. Everything is so so much and yet I feel so isolated and alone.
I also hear you're feeling a bit trapped - both physically and mentally. It sounds like a tough place to be and can be difficult to shake. I know you mentioned being unable to leave the house at the moment but wanted to ask if there are any activities / hobbies you like to do from home that might help distract you in these moments or any coping strategies you turn to when you feel like this?
We're always here for you when you need to talk and when you need somewhere to turn to for support
Thing is I don't feel strong at all. I feel weak. I feel I'm supposed to be able to manage without always burdening everyone here with my problems and struggles. A lot of the time its like im a broken record too. I try get support for the same things but just worded differently because the struggle doesnt go away. Or i just keep piling it on over and over and over.
I have diamond art, Guitar, Keyboard, Digital drawing but ive lost basically all motivation for it all. Im just living each day barely leaving bed. Im going for a surf tonight which will be nice but also tiring as ik ill crash after it.
It sounds like your thoughts were really intrusive yesterday and you had a difficult night, how are you feeling today?
It's understandable to hear some of your distractions and coping mechanisms are hard to do at the moment. When you're going through so much it's really hard to find the motivation to do those things. I'm glad you're able to go out for surf today though, I remember you saying it helps you when you're able to go out on the water. Is that something you're able to do each week?
I'm so sorry to hear that Chloe, no one should ever be told they were attention seeking after trying to take their own life. You deserve so much support and understanding for what you're going through especially from your family.
Listening can make a world of difference especially when we're feeling alone. That's really lovely you had that with her and she understood what you were going through as well.
You mentioned in your first post the professionals promised you support that they never gave you. I'm wondering if you felt comfy sharing a bit more about what happened here?
I also just wanted to reassure you that you're not a waste of space at all and always deserving of support. We care about you lots here Chloe.
Keep going and keep reaching out whenever you need to
Still struggling a lot in all honesty. It feels like a repetitive cycle that's never ending. Urges are bad but im trying to ignore them. Its just a case of trying to ge through each day i guess. Its more surviving than it is living
I usually try to but I need dad to take me as were about 20 mins drive from the sea. Each wednesday is what we called takeaway night tho so when the weather is decent i get dad to take me for a surf while my sisters and him have a takeaway. I try go sometimes on weekends too.
I was referred to CAMHS by school but then i ended up going to the hospital in February because of the attempt so a "rapid response team" called MARRS got involved and because thy got involved camhs desmissed the refferral. I spoke to the MARRS team before i was discharged and they told me they were gonna do a 2 week follow up however that didnt happen until a month after because they couldnt get ahold of dad so school called them and arranged an appointment at school. So this really nice lady came for a chat and after that she said that the next steps were going to be that theyll discharge me and they were going to get me a support worker, another assessment done and then something else but ill need the letter to remember. They also said i should continue with the support i had in school (Councelling and talking to safegaurding) But none of the stuff happened that they promised and also ive left school now so ive lost that support too
@Chloe234 this is a big feeling to carry with you everyday - how are you doing over there today? Sending hugs to you, I am so proud of you for making it through yesterday - it sounds like a really time you're having.
If you feel comfy, can you let us know what type of urges you're experiencing at the moment? I know it's not an easy question to answer when you're feeling unsure, but do you feel able to keep yourself safe?
Still basically the same. But it doesnt really matter I guess. Its always gonna be like this.
Self harm urges. I guess so. I always have to be safe. Have no choice
We are here for you and you are not alone. Keep letting us know how you are doing
Everythingwas fine until i was born. Yet then there i came and even at 3 months things fell apart. My mum and i were in a mother and baby unit for 6 months because she couldnt cope and mentally broke down. 6 months where my mum was with me and not at home with my siblings. After that we then moved from kent, leaving all of dads family to cornwall just because mum seemed happier. Just for us to settle in a house and then mum accuse my dad of stuff getting him taken by the police leaving him with nothing and no one.
Maybe that's why he hates me so much. If I wasn't ever born then my mum wouldn't have had a mental breakdown and he wouldn't have had to pack up his life and move.
My story goes on longer than this but still. I've caused problems ever since I was born. Maybe I deserve the pain and suffering. Maybe I deserve everything I had to and still am going through.
I'm safe.
1) speaking up about the SA is a really brave thing to do, and absolutely the right thing to do. You should never ever be made to feel bad for that.
2) it’s not your fault if your mum attempted. You haven’t done anything wrong - you’re allowed to cut contact and it sounds like you had good reason to. And anyway you’re her child, it’s not your responsibility to make sure she’s ok.
3) it’s not your fault that you were born. Your parents made that decision and any health problems you had as a baby are absolutely not your fault.
4) if your dad really hates you for that reason, then he’s incredibly immature. That’s not right. Just because your birth changed things doesn’t mean you ‘ruined’ anything. Literally all you did was exist!
It’s so important to remember that none of this is your fault- I know this might feel difficult or even frustrating to hear when it feels so real for you. These are incredibly difficult experiences, and no one deserves to go through them. You didn’t ask for any of this pain, and it’s not your responsibility to carry it alone.
Ive always felt this way but never really voiced it. Nights have been really hard too and im up until 1 or 2 in the morning and i guess when its like that i just keep thinking more about things. My mum has also been a bit odd with me recently and only really wants to talk to my sisters and not me so i guess that got me thinking too. It feels like everything is falling apart yet nothing major is actually happening
It sounds like you're going through a lot right now - is there anything you think might help you like coping strategies?
Still really struggling but trying to distract by doing digital drawings