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I’m a free woman - but I don’t feel relieved (TW police/suicide)
independent_
Posts: 8,931 Legendary Poster
For background, many of you will know that I had a bad experience with police last year which lead to me being referred to social work under some kind of diversion from court programme.
Today I was told I no longer have to see them and everything should be dropped. Relief, right?
I don’t feel relieved. I feel depressed. Why you may ask? Because it’s been 14 months of hell.
14 months of my life I will never ever get back, 14 months with this hanging over my head. 14 months where I could have been living as anyone in their 20s should have been. But instead I’ve spent it on high alert, with extreme anxiety and periods of depression and suicidal thoughts (which by the way was the root cause of it happening in the first place).
I should be spending today shouting from the rooftops that I am free, I can live my life again. But instead I’m feeling confused. Why did this happen to me. People I know have done far worse in life and somehow avoided anything similar.
And the kicker? The absolute kicker? The social worker told me today that his supervisor had told him that because it was clearly a one time occurrence that I have no intention of deliberately repeating that there was no work to be done with me. Couldn’t they have told me that 14 months ago? My sense of self, my personality and my ability to regulate my emotions and reactions has been changed, irreversibly changed for the worst and all for what, a tick box exercise?
Is now when I can finally start processing things? I don’t know how to process things, NHS are useless and therapy is expensive. I thought now would be when life starts again, given it’s the day I’ve been looking forward to for the past 14 months. I guess it’s not what I expected.
Today I was told I no longer have to see them and everything should be dropped. Relief, right?
I don’t feel relieved. I feel depressed. Why you may ask? Because it’s been 14 months of hell.
14 months of my life I will never ever get back, 14 months with this hanging over my head. 14 months where I could have been living as anyone in their 20s should have been. But instead I’ve spent it on high alert, with extreme anxiety and periods of depression and suicidal thoughts (which by the way was the root cause of it happening in the first place).
I should be spending today shouting from the rooftops that I am free, I can live my life again. But instead I’m feeling confused. Why did this happen to me. People I know have done far worse in life and somehow avoided anything similar.
And the kicker? The absolute kicker? The social worker told me today that his supervisor had told him that because it was clearly a one time occurrence that I have no intention of deliberately repeating that there was no work to be done with me. Couldn’t they have told me that 14 months ago? My sense of self, my personality and my ability to regulate my emotions and reactions has been changed, irreversibly changed for the worst and all for what, a tick box exercise?
Is now when I can finally start processing things? I don’t know how to process things, NHS are useless and therapy is expensive. I thought now would be when life starts again, given it’s the day I’ve been looking forward to for the past 14 months. I guess it’s not what I expected.
“Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
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Comments
Going through 14 months of this kind of stress and anxiety must be incredibly taxing. It's not just the time that was lost, but the mental and emotional toll it took on you. Feeling like you’ve been in survival mode, constantly on high alert, is exhausting. When you’ve experienced such intense anxiety and depression, it's no wonder this has affected your sense of self and how you perceive the world around you.
It's incredibly frustrating to think that this could have been avoided if someone had recognised sooner that you didn't necessarily need this intervention. Knowing that there was no real necessity for it and that it was merely a 'tick box exercise' must be infuriating and heartbreaking. It’s completely normal to feel anger, sadness, and confusion about why this happened to you and how it seems others have avoided similar situations despite doing worse.
You mentioned that the root cause of this situation was your mental health struggles, which makes it even more painful that the process itself exacerbated those very issues. It’s a cruel irony that the system meant to help ended up causing you more harm.
How are you feeling now that it’s officially over? Have you noticed any shifts in your thoughts or emotions since you found out? Processing all of this will take time, and it’s okay not to have all the answers right now. It’s also understandable to feel uncertain about how to begin moving forward. The NHS might seem unhelpful, and therapy can be expensive, but there are still people out there who care about you. Sometimes, just talking about your experience here with us can be a significant first step in healing.
What kind of support do you think might help you the most right now? Is there someone in your life who you feel comfortable talking to about what you’ve been through? It's okay to feel a mix of emotions right now. Relief, anger, sadness, and confusion can all coexist, and it’s a sign of your resilience that you’re able to acknowledge and confront these feelings. You’ve shown immense strength in getting through this past year, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you.
Your journey forward might not be what you expected, and that's okay. Take it one day at a time, be gentle with yourself, and remember that you deserve peace and happiness. It might take some time, but you can reclaim your sense of self and rebuild your life in a way that brings you joy. You’ve been through so much, and you have the strength to find your way through this as well.
What are some things you’ve been looking forward to doing once this was over? Are there any small steps you feel ready to take towards those now?
Sending you lots of hugs and strength.
I know it’s positive. But it doesn’t take away from everything that I’ve been through. It was the prison thread further down that made me think. It’s made me angry. Angry was not a feeling I was particularly familiar with before this. I don’t know what support I need or want. I know what I want, i want to turn back the clock. But I can’t
Oh no, not at all @AnonymousToe I was just ranting. I’m not wording things well at all at the moment. Sorry
I’m ok. I’m getting by. I don’t know if it’s just the whole situation now or if it’s a combination of things but I know something isn’t right and if I’m not careful I will be heading for another breakdown. But I can’t put my finger on what it is. Maybe it’s subconscious in dealing with everything. Maybe it’s something I’m just not noticing.
Again mixed feelings because it’s now 16 months of hell, and I don’t feel like that count up (it’s not a countdown is it) ends here, the trauma will never leave and it will forever be in my mind. Whether it’s at the back or the front of that mind is dependent. Again it feels like I should be feeling more relieved/happy about this than I am..but I guess it is what it is.
You know what really really fucking pisses me off?
My local police force and NHS are posting all over facebook about the support they offer when someone is suicidal.
They don’t. Trust me when I say they don’t. They offer more support to people who’ve lost someone to suicide than to people who are actually suicidal. The urge to comment is very strong but I won’t do it. They big themselves up yet they are the ones who fucked me over the most I’ve ever been fucked over in my life.
Edit: someone’s already said exactly what I was going to say. Maybe I’m not the only one who this has happened to? Maybe?
It's also completely valid to feel angry and let down, especially when the systems that are supposed to help aren't doing what they should. It’s no wonder that seeing those posts could bring everything to the surface again. You deserve to feel heard and supported, both when you’re in the thick of it and in the aftermath. That pain runs deep, and it makes sense that seeing them praise themselves would stir up so much frustration. It can feel incredibly isolating, like you’re battling these feelings on your own, but as you said, maybe you're not alone in this experience, and that can be a small comfort in such a heavy moment.
Would it help to talk about how you’re processing these memories after the nightmare you had last night? What are some things that usually help you when these memories or feelings come back like this? I know it can feel overwhelming, especially when it’s all brought back to the front of your mind. I’m wondering if there is anyone or anything that you find comforting or grounding when it feels like everything’s bubbling over. We're here for you.