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Struggling
Chloe234
Community Champion Posts: 3,670 Community Veteran
I just cant get rid of the feeling of hopelessness. Im just stuck in a mindset where my life is gonna be funneled in a certain way which is always going to turn to shit and that no matter how hard i try im not going to have a future. Im just gonna be stuck how I am today. Struggling everyday, barely getting out of bed and suicidal.
I dont feel im ever going to feel better about anything ive been through. If anything im getting worse. I keep having these horrible really strong memories about things ive been through and its so hard to cope with. I feel like not only the past trauma but there's gonna be so much more of it and my life will be stuck this way.
I also hate how its changed me as a person. Not only to others but also just in general and with my thinking. Im just so much more untrusting of others and hold back a lot because all im thinking about when talking to people is "when are they gonna drop me and leave" "will what i say cause more problems, is it better to shut people out" or "what if they tell someone else" and i hate it because even with my best friends i do this. It makes me feel like such a horrid person.
I also hate how i cant do something like go for a walk alone without being really scared that im being follllowed or someones going to take advantage of me or even in fear im going to bump into someone whos hurt me in my past even though its unlikely. Or even just something tiny like staying home alone im so paranoid. Every little sound i get scared and its so awful to put up with.
It feels like im just going to keep losing people too. I lost my stepmom, my nan, our cats, a couple friends, my aunt. It just feels like after we loose someone its an instant "Whos next" and i hate it. Even the smallest thing wrong with someone and i start panicking that theyre going to pass. Even if its something as small as my dad having a chest infection or even nora (my dog) waking me up in slight discomfort in the night. Its so exhausting because it feels like im on high alert for everthing..
Im even stressing about results day in august for my GCSEs. I downfell mentally massively while doing my gcses and i know that it 100% affected how i did in my exams. Im just so so scared because i want to do a T-Level in Early years Education and Childcare and assisting teaching but to get into the course i have to pass my maths and english and get 3 other GCSEs at 4 or above. results day is August 22nd but Ive got such bad anxiety about it already. I hate having to sit and wait. I know i can get the 3 other gcses and my maths but when doing my English exams i did so much worse than usual so i really dont know if i can scrape a 4 with it. If i dont i cant do my course though because theres no time for me to retake english as the course is full on. Id have to probably stay at my school and do sixth form and do health and social care as well as 2 other courses i wont wanna do just to try stay on track.
Everything is just building up and creating a tower what can fall anyday and i hate it. Even that is just a percentage of everything on my mind. I just feel so hopeless
I dont feel im ever going to feel better about anything ive been through. If anything im getting worse. I keep having these horrible really strong memories about things ive been through and its so hard to cope with. I feel like not only the past trauma but there's gonna be so much more of it and my life will be stuck this way.
I also hate how its changed me as a person. Not only to others but also just in general and with my thinking. Im just so much more untrusting of others and hold back a lot because all im thinking about when talking to people is "when are they gonna drop me and leave" "will what i say cause more problems, is it better to shut people out" or "what if they tell someone else" and i hate it because even with my best friends i do this. It makes me feel like such a horrid person.
I also hate how i cant do something like go for a walk alone without being really scared that im being follllowed or someones going to take advantage of me or even in fear im going to bump into someone whos hurt me in my past even though its unlikely. Or even just something tiny like staying home alone im so paranoid. Every little sound i get scared and its so awful to put up with.
It feels like im just going to keep losing people too. I lost my stepmom, my nan, our cats, a couple friends, my aunt. It just feels like after we loose someone its an instant "Whos next" and i hate it. Even the smallest thing wrong with someone and i start panicking that theyre going to pass. Even if its something as small as my dad having a chest infection or even nora (my dog) waking me up in slight discomfort in the night. Its so exhausting because it feels like im on high alert for everthing..
Im even stressing about results day in august for my GCSEs. I downfell mentally massively while doing my gcses and i know that it 100% affected how i did in my exams. Im just so so scared because i want to do a T-Level in Early years Education and Childcare and assisting teaching but to get into the course i have to pass my maths and english and get 3 other GCSEs at 4 or above. results day is August 22nd but Ive got such bad anxiety about it already. I hate having to sit and wait. I know i can get the 3 other gcses and my maths but when doing my English exams i did so much worse than usual so i really dont know if i can scrape a 4 with it. If i dont i cant do my course though because theres no time for me to retake english as the course is full on. Id have to probably stay at my school and do sixth form and do health and social care as well as 2 other courses i wont wanna do just to try stay on track.
Everything is just building up and creating a tower what can fall anyday and i hate it. Even that is just a percentage of everything on my mind. I just feel so hopeless
🦆💜🦆💜🦆
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Comments
The constant struggle you described, the anxieties, the fear, and the losses you've experienced - all of that takes a massive toll on your wellbeing- you must feel so tired at the moment. It's perfectly okay not to be okay right now, and you deserve so much credit for being so brave to open up about how difficult things have been
Everything can feel overwhelming at once, so let's focus on what you can control. You mentioned results day causing a lot of anxiety. Maybe we can brainstorm some ways to manage that anxiety in the coming weeks? Is there anything The Mix can do running up to results day to support you? We were considering running a pre and post results day chat.
Sending hugs to you
p.s - love your new photo!
Yeah okay, and I don't know in all honesty. I'm just scared because it's already proving hard enough trying to survive summer and get through with my downfall mentally and I feel like if I don't do well or get the grades I need then I'm gonna become really bad. A pre/post results day chat could be helpful.
It's just so draining and the lead up is just so stressful because it's kinda everything the past 5 years have been for.
(Also thankyou aha I felt it was about time for me to draw up something new as I had a duck before but it was only teeny)
It's just hard. I'm struggling to even sleep at night because of everything I'm going through. I want to shut everyone out. I want to distance myself and let myself fade away. I don't want to have to live like this. I'm laying here, it's 1 in the morning and I still haven't managed to sleep, I'm so defeated by everything yet I can't control any of it.
It takes everything out of me to get out the house and I hate it. I want to be able to go out with friends without having to have a whole week in bed to try and build myself back up. I want to be able to go out even just for a surf more than I am but I can't. I'm losing every motivation. Surfing was an escape for me but I've not asked to go since i went on Saturday and probably won't be able to until next Wednesday.
I'm spending the weekend at a friend's house Friday- Sunday as well as meeting up with other friends on the Saturday for Pride day and I really am so so excited but it's going to be so hard to mask everything as well. What if they notice how much I've gone downhill? What if I'm not able to be how I usually am around them?
Even my eating is playing up again, I don't wanna tell my friends though because only a couple know and also I feel ashamed for the progress I've lost. I'll want to live in baggy oversized clothes to hide myself but I can't because it'll be too hot. I'll want to hide my scars woth a long sleeved top but I can't because it's too hot. I'll want to try and hide it all because I just feel so ugly because of it but I can't. I don't like being ashamed especially because I went so long actually feeling unbothered by my scars. But some began to fade making me feel invalid but some began to feel like they stood out which makes me so self conscious and ashamed.
My dad is even struggling with money at the moment and I feel I'm making it worse. He tells me he owes me money for my birthday as he doesn't get gifts and buys me money so I asked to spend some of it but he had to ask me to wait till he's got a bit more money. I want to tell him not to worry about the money and I can do without but ik part of him deep down wont want to do that and I'm also in need of some things which I'd use that money for. I just feel like a problem because the money he owes me could just be money he uses for bills or for food.
All i crave is also a parent. A parent who cares. A parent who will sit and hug me and let me cry into them. A parent who'd let me not be okay for a second. Someone I didn't have to be strong for. Someone I wasn't scared to disappoint. Someone I could tell how much I don't want to be here daily yet have to be for others. Someone I could tell how much I really am struggling.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I want a break but won't get one. I want a hug. A hug where they won't let go. A hug which makes me feel okay. Even just for a moment.
You mentioned feeling like you're constantly on high alert and fearing loss, and that's a heavy burden to carry. It’s important to acknowledge your strength in managing these feelings as best as you can. You're doing really well despite the circumstances you've been put in. It's okay to take things one step at a time and be gentle with yourself.
It's positive to hear that a pre/post exam results day chat could be helpful - I've posted a poll to get an idea of what results people are waiting for so we can see what days would be best for us to run these support groups. We are all here for you and much of the community are going through similar emotions - exams are stressful and they do hold a lot of weight. But please remember that despite this, they aren't the be all and end all. You can and will do amazing things with your life despite your exam results.
It’s clear how deeply you’re hurting, Chloe. It’s okay to feel this way, and it’s okay to want to distance yourself. Sometimes, when everything feels overwhelming, it’s natural to want to shut everything out. You mentioned struggling to sleep at night, which must be incredibly exhausting. How have you been coping with these sleepless nights? Are there any night-time routines that help even a little bit? For me, getting back into a routine of doing some skincare and listening to music before bed can help calm me down before bed, especially during times where I'm feeling really anxious. Going through the motions of the usual routine I find can usually help me feel more grounded.
It's also understandable that you feel defeated by everything you’re experiencing. I know surfing was a good escape for you so it's tough to hear you say that you're losing motivation for these things. Do you think there might be smaller, more manageable activities that could provide a bit of relief until you can get back to surfing? That could be things like your diamond art.
I hear your worries about the weekend with your friends. It’s normal to feel anxious about masking your feelings. It might be helpful to think through what they would say if they knew how much you're struggling. Sometimes sharing even a little bit can lessen the burden.
It sounds like you’re feeling a lot of shame and self-consciousness about your eating and your scars too - gosh there's so much going on for you, Chloe. It's completely understandable to feel this way, especially when dealing with so many other stressors. You mentioned feeling invalid because some scars are fading while others stand out more. This must be really conflicting and hard to cope with. It’s important to remember that your scars don’t define your worth or your journey. Each scar tells a part of your story and your strength in facing difficult times. How did you feel when you were more unbothered by your scars? Are there any ways you can try to recapture some of that feeling?
The situation with your dad and money sounds really stressful. You are so thoughtful and considerate about his feelings. Maybe finding a moment to talk to him about you're feeling without adding to his stress and finding a small way to support each other could help both of you feel a bit better. It sounds like you're really longing for a parent who can offer you unconditional support and love. It’s so hard when that’s missing from your life. It's worth saying that you're not alone in this - families in particular can be complex and pretty toxic sometimes. It's something so many of us will relate to. Know that you belong right here with us.
You really deserve a break, Chloe, and a hug that makes everything feel okay, even if just for a moment. Is there anything you could do today to bring you a little comfort?
I hope you find some moments of peace and remember that it’s okay to ask for help. You deserve support and care, and there are people who want to help you through this. If you are struggling with your safety, please do reach out to these services below who would love to support you:
Samartians (24/7) | call 116 123 | email jo@samaritans.org
Papyrus (2pm-midnight) | call 0800 068 41 41 | text 07786 209 697 | email pat@payrus-uk.org
Supportline (hours vary) | call 01708 765 200
Childline | call 0800 11 11
Sending lots of strength
I just voted on the poll, cant believe its under a month now
Idk I just live in bed all day everyday. Im up late at night then sleep in until 9 or 10 (which is late for me) and just dont leave bed at all unless i have to. I havent even got up at all today. Im just laying in bed listening to chappell roan. Ive never really had a nighttime routine. I used to struggle with sleep when i was in school and one of the teachers i was close to suggested to get an podcast app and when im going to try settle down put on one of the sleep ones and that worked a bit so i could maybe try that again. I could maybe try skincare and music too.
Yeah maybe, Ive not touched my diamond art for a coupe days so could probably do a bit of that. I might try picking up my guitar for a little too. I did a bit of digital yesterday and this morning so can probably try get into that a bit more as i stopped it for ages.
I dont know its hard to explain, i kinda just in a way forgot they were there. I felt confident in a way and less worried about them being on show. Idk if itd be possible for me to feel like it again though
Ill probably try doing a bit of what i said above. Digital art/diamond art/guitar
My scars are triggering too apparently and I should be ashamed to have them on show lol
I've removed the person and blocked them but still doesn't help how I feel around my scars and also my confidence lol. It's meant to be sunny all weekend and I'm staying at my friends so packed shorts and a cute dino tank top but with what I'm wearing now (different shorts and dino bodysuit) I'm already fleeing to hiding in a jumper lmao
I just hate having this mindset. I feel so stupid
It's okay to feel shaken up - you have the right to feel safe wherever you go and I'm sorry it didin't feel like that yesterday, especially when it was pride day. I'm glad you had your friends around you and that you'll be with friends again today.
Let us know how your beach day goes
I get not wearing suncream isn't the best but I barely burn and mainly tan anyways. Also If I did burn massively I'd face the suncream but it's just upset me a bit because it's a bit harsh. Idk if I'm overreacting tho
Hey chloe! im here for you, only a message away, if you need anyone to talk to im always here x
Thankyou @Gemma
Its kinda like the first time I've had a big experience like out in public that but idk it's just a bit worrying because I was so scared. Security was already keeping an eye on him as something happened with someone we were with during the day (adult) but as soon as he came towards us I was just really panicked.
Thankyou lucanator
It sounds like she’s trying to take care of you but that’s a massively insensitive way to go about it. I’m so sorry. It sounds like she doesn’t understand how hard sensory issues can be.
Have you tried spray suncream? It’s kind of sticky but it feels different to the proper creamy stuff.
@Chloe234 Just wanted to add I saw online that some people use a hack where they use a makeup brush to apply it - I'm not sure if that might help you? Seems to result in quite even coverage as well. Just make sure to reapply regularly.
I'm totally with you on the suncream though I struggle with it a bit too - in the meantime maybe make sure you're staying conscious of the sun/stay in the shade at times to avoid burning. If you do get sun burned I've found it quite useful to use things like herbal creams to soothe the skin and quicken the healing process.
I've added a link to a boots product which actually has suncream and a brush applicator as a set which I found - there are probably cheaper ones available but just wanted to give you an idea of what I was meaning
https://boots.com/hawaiian-tropic-mineral-sun-protection-powder-brush-spf30-4g-10305837?cm_mmc=bmm-buk-google-ppc-_-PLAs_HeroCompare-_--_-PMax:+UK_Smart_Shopping_Suncare&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwh7K1BhCZARIsAKOrVqGdg-Em-8-SVAiPNC6l5dTMcLfRoy1e2CDUzeOb3yTvFehueqQpxYQaApuQEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Like @AnonymousToe suggested spray lotion could also be a good alternative.
Hope you find something that works for you!