Im just so tired of living like this.

Chloe234

Its just so exhausting living like this everyday. Im always on the verge of giving up but I know I cant. My whole life has been trauma after trauma after trauma. Im always trying to live up to everyone elses expectations of me. I read some of my paperwork dad has been keeping from me from all the court processes and a dramatherapy report from when i was in year 6 and even bits from that havent changed about me. Theres a whole box of paperwork and ive only read a small bit of it. "Chloe struggles to think about what she needs for herself. She struggles with linking her body and mind" "Sometimes feels numb" "tendencies to be perfect"

Ive had warning signs since ive been in primary school. It proves im stuck like this forever.
Its so hard to have to fight when im just stuck like this. im never gonna change. ill be like this forever. Its not fair. why should i live a life when i know its always gonna be like this?

Ive always wanted to have kids too when im older but if i make it that far i dont know if i should. What if i turn out like my mum did.

Former Member

I didn’t see this Chloe ahh💙

Chloe I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way. My heart breaks for you because you are one of the nicest people I know. You don’t deserve to be carrying this hurt and I wish we could say something that would make it feel better but I know it doesn’t work like that.

From what you’ve said, it sounds like you’ve been through so much and so it’s understandable that it feels overwhelming. Struggling right now doesn’t mean that you’ll be stuck feeling this way forever. Change is possible.. even if it feels far away at the moment.

It’s okay to feel numb and to struggle with connecting your body and mind. I’m sure I feel like this sometimes too. Sure, I imagine it’s quite common reactions to trauma. And it’s fine to want to meet other people’s expectations but it’s important to remember that your needs, wants and well-being are so important too. Never forget that💙

As for your future and wanting to have kids. It’s normal to worry about these things… but you’re not your past and I know it seems all bleak right now but it will get better and we will be here with you until it does

I’m sorry if this is all jumbled I haven’t had any sleep😂 but I want you to know that we care about you a lot

Keep on pushing through Chloe💙

Gemma

@Chloe234 you're doing so very well to share this with us and I can hear how much you're hurting. It's not easy to open up and to put how we're feeling into words. You've been through so much, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. How are you feeling getting these things off your chest?

Reading through those papers and seeing patterns that have been there since childhood must be incredibly tough. It feels like you're carrying a lot of weight, and it's okay to acknowledge just how hard that is. It's not fair that you've had to endure so much trauma and pressure to meet others' expectations. Your feelings of being stuck and numb are valid, and it's okay to feel like it's all too much sometimes. I'm not sure what kind of person wouldn't be feeling these emotions after going through what you have done at such a young age.

Like @Slinky has shared above, please know that just because things have been a certain way doesn't mean they will always be this way. Change can be slow and difficult, but it is possible and there is always hope. You're incredibly strong for holding on despite everything you've been through. Wanting things to change and to have a future, even if it's hard to see right now, shows a lot of resilience. It's understandable to worry about the future and about becoming a parent, given your past experiences. This shows how deeply you care and how much you want to create a loving life for yourself and others and that's something to hold onto.

Please remember, you're not alone in this. There are people who care about you and want to help you through these feelings (us included!). It's okay to reach out and let others support you. You deserve compassion, understanding, and a chance to heal. Do you have any spaces in your life where you feel safe to explore this some more?

Take things one day at a time, and be gentle with yourself. You're doing the best you can, and that's enough. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and there is hope, even when it feels distant.

Chloe234

Thankyou @Slinky youre so sweet aha

Chloe234

Thankyou @Gemma

Gemma wrote: »

How are you feeling getting these things off your chest?

Do you have any spaces in your life where you feel safe to explore this some more?

I dont know theres just so much going on at the moment that even if i get one thing off my chest theres always other things. I guess its noce to have been able to get a little off my chest tho

Nope, here is all i have

Orchid059

Hi @Chloe234 I hear you. It sounds like you're going through a particularly tricky wobble at the moment and that's okay. Talking about it is so important because otherwise it will just be bottled up so the fact that you are reaching out is amazing because that's usually the most difficult step.

You mentioned feeling that while you get one thing off your chest there's always something else that pops up. That must be exhausting to always have a constant load and to never have that weight lifted. I would recommend breaking down your thoughts and feelings through journalling as that will allow you to monitor how you're feeling day by day, but also may allow you to see your thoughts on paper so they don't feel so intangible and out of reach. I know other users find this method useful.

You're doing so well. Keep reaching out