I want to escape from myself

Chloe234

I hate feeling so trapped in my mind. I feel like complete shit daily and it's all just gotten to be so much. I'm laying here in bed in the verge of tears wanting to relapse with self harm yet I can't because I don't know where any of the stuff is and I'm over 5 weeks clean. I'm desperate for help face to face but I can't get it.
The GP is too triggering and the other help I was promised hasn't happened. I don't have the support from school anymore and camhs dismissed my refferal when I ended up in hospital in February.

I'm falling back into this pit and I hate it. I've got to live like this until I go to college in September. Day in day out stuck at home unless it's the weekend. I'm so tired and exhausted. I can barely answer other people's messages and when I do I come across as blunt, and angry, and selfish and I hate it. I hate being like this.

The only break I can ever get is sleep but I can only do so much of that. Or even just drinking a little makes me feel better but I don't have any left to do that. I'm only 16. I'm tired.

It feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.

I'm safe.

Chloe234

Just feels like sometimes attempting would be the easier option sometimes or the only way to get help. At least when I was in hospital from the attempt in February people cared. My dad didn't but that's not new.

I still feel so shit from my birthday yesterday but oh well.
I hate to say it but..You'd think my family would celebrate the fact I'm alive a bit more considering I tried ending my life and can't see myself lasting much longer

Idk I'm just losing hope

AnonymousToe

I’m so sorry Chloe. I’m glad you’re alive, and I’m proud of you for making it to 16. I feel for you with CAMHS and stuff, they dismissed me at first and it was such a fight to get any help. And I know it’s hard finishing school and losing the support you had there. You said the GP was triggering but could you write them an email or something and not actually physically go to see them? That’s how I got referred to CAMHS because I was too scared to talk to my doctor 😭

Hopefully there’ll be some more support for you at college too, but all you need to do right now is survive. Exams are hard, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re feeling worse because of all the stress and everything you’ve been through this year. That certainly happens to me at least. I know being stuck inside makes me feel miserable, so could you just spend some time in the garden or something? Do you walk your dog? I guess that’s a good excuse to get out the house every day. I know it’s not like a major help but getting out and doing something makes me feel slightly better.

Have you got some distractions? Just a video game or something on TV, or literally anything to distract you and pass the time so you can make it to September. Your dad sounds so hard to live with. I would hope that your dad did care when you were in hospital, and was just in shock or something. But I promise you are important, and I’m glad you’re here.
Big hugs

Chloe234

AnonymousToe wrote: »

You said the GP was triggering but could you write them an email or something and not actually physically go to see them?

I know being stuck inside makes me feel miserable, so could you just spend some time in the garden or something? Do you walk your dog?

Have you got some distractions?

Your dad sounds so hard to live with. I would hope that your dad did care when you were in hospital, and was just in shock or something.

Thankyou @AnonymousToe
I don't know my GPs email so wouldn't be able to. I've also never met my GP so the idea of emailing them being open when I don't know them is too anxiety provoking. He's also known for asking people to come in and probably would with me because he knew my stepmom when she was alive and is also my dad's doctor so he'd probably call my dad if I said no to going in.

Our garden is really small and next doors dogs never give you peace if you go so I stay indoors. Nora's joints are really bad so daily walks would really hurt her. There's also no where to walk her because of being in the middle of no where

Eh not really. I have my guitar but I'm not too great at it and I can't play it all day every day. I was writing a song about the mix earlier but it's really bad so probably won't do anymore of it

I was there for 3 days and he stayed one night because he was too tired to drive home and then think he was there 2 or 3 hours before going home and spending the rest of the time at home caring more about my sisters as usual.

I'm just exhausted. I might try self refer to camhs but not got much hope

sinead276

Just wanted to add and say I'm also very glad you're here with us Chloe.

It might be a good idea to see if you can get referred to CAMHS if you think it can give you the support you need - it's definitely worth trying and seeing what comes from it.

I know it's hard having lost the school support since leaving - it's a major change where you ultimately feel on your own again.

As for distractions, is there anything new that you're interested in trying or doing that you haven't done so far that could be accessible to you and easy to do? - it doesn't have to be anything big, just something that can take your mind of things for a bit.

Remember you can come to us on here whenever you need to and we all love you and value you as a member of the community.

Sending you a big hug
Sinead