Mind-boggled... (long!)

sputnik

(Apologies for the very long post ahead – in short, I feel like I'm seeing the world in a more multi-faceted way than my usual perspective, and it makes me feel more part of things. But it also brings up so many confusing thoughts and questions that it's hard not to get carried away by my own mind.)

I feel like I'm having a phase of feeling sort of 'euphoric', and a sense of realising/discovering lots of different things/perspectives but I can't really grasp any of them properly... when I go to write them down they feel totally intangible and elusive, I can't begin to find words to describe my thoughts and I find that really frustrating, which leads to trying to make sense of my thoughts which frustrates me further... a couple of years ago there was a day when I had this so severely that I began to get really bad racing thoughts, I couldn't 'switch off' this point of view in which it was like I was 'zooming in' on everything I saw or thought about and seeing new depth to everything? Which felt amazing but also completely overwhelming and I had an anxiety attack cos I couldn't distract myself or bring myself back to a more grounded perspective, which kind of ruined the 'discovery' element of it somewhat. I was scared I was experiencing some sort of mania and that it might get worse. Having had that experience I don't want to go down that overthinking path again, but it's also really frustrating not being able to air my thoughts and share them with people, I feel totally alone with them. I don't know if I lack the vocabulary/language capability to explain them or if the thoughts themselves are too obscure/convoluted to be interpreted into words. I'm not sure I'm even making sense here XD

One thing I feel like I can sort of put into words is that when I feel like this, there's a feeling of wholeness which is so rare to me, there's an element of feeling like I've 'come home'. The word 'integration' comes to mind a lot, like there's all these fractured pieces of me that finally come together, or something like that? And my mind sort of opening up, like I've been seeing the world in black-and-white and suddenly I'm seeing in colour, that sort of feeling. There's a sense of freedom but also a sense of 'what is it that's different? Why do I feel like this now, and why haven't I always?' a lot of questions, basically. And the more things I feel like I discover/understand, the more questions I have. It feels like trying to learn an encyclopedia in a day, or something. Waking up after being asleep for years – etc etc. I could think of loads more metaphors but hopefully you get the idea XD

But also, there's anxiety about when this feeling will end, and if I will go back to my usual form of existence which feels so limited, isolated and narrow. Basically, my comfort-zone. I feel like I can't trust myself to keep challenging myself, because later-on-me won't remember how all this felt, I'll just feel the need to escape everything that frightens me and hide away again for months on end. I don't know if this makes much sense...

I think what brought this on was basically just doing things to look after myself better, and get out into the world more without completely overwhelming myself in the process. I'm meeting with someone tomorrow who works with people with MH issues, helping enable/facilitate them to get out and do more things (so basically she would accompany me to things that I can't face doing alone, which is pretty much everything outside the house at the moment.) I've met her once already and I think I really like her. I've also been doing a lot more practical stuff over the past week like DIY (sawing, drilling etc) which gives me more confidence and a sense of focus and achievement. I guess it's a pretty simple equation really, for a really long time now I just haven't been attending to my needs or even understanding what they were. Most of the time I struggle to see beyond the fog of dissociation and anxiety. But every so often, things sort of 'align' such that I get these glimpses outside, and it's like 'OH I GET IT NOW! I can now imagine existing in the world in a way that would actually be fulfilling and purposeful to me! But, what is it that I actually get...?' Like my emotional brain has understood, but my logical brain hasn't caught up yet...

I don't actually want to feel euphoric, I just want to feel okay. This overly-colourful feeling is actually quite stressful and weird, but maybe the thing is just not to try to make sense of it or analyze it – just accept it and keep going with the things that are helping me, even though they're hard to do and a big part of me just wants to run away. It's as if the part of me that runs away is the part I am most of the time, it's narrow-visioned and paranoid and self-conscious and wary. And right now I'm seeing through the 'eyes' of lots of different parts of me at once, not just the scared part. I feel like this sounds little a bit like Dissociative Identity Disorder, in a sort of much milder way (instead of alters, it's more like emotional states... but the current emotional state is my whole identity at any given time, if that makes any sense whatsoever? I don't know if this exists as a diagnosis or if I'm making it up entirely )

Anyway, I'm doing a lot of rambling. I just wish I could hear someone say they have experienced something like this, or they get what I mean. It feels so weird and pretty surreal at times. I'm worried I sound completely out of my mind Anyway, thanks for reading if you've made it to the end of this mammoth post!

Orchid059

Hi @sputnik I think you're making perfect sense and your ability to express yourself through writing is so insightful and eloquent even though you might not realise it- I could honestly read your writing all day! You've made me more aware of how I think myself.

It sounds like you are becoming more self-aware which is brilliant as a lot of people struggle to be so open to other perspectives. However, at the same time it is perfectly understandable why you are experiencing euphoric feelings and the anxiety that comes with this. It is overwhelming and stressful and that is okay but you shouldn't have to keep them bottled up. You have done the best thing in posting how you feel and reaching out for support. You are doing so well in recognising how to help yourself and taking little steps to make your anxiety more manageable. I am glad to hear you are seeing a mental health professional to provide support and accompaniment outside the house, and that you feel like it is going well. You should be so proud of yourself and how far you have come.

In regards to your euphoric feelings, it sounds like at the moment you're in a particular frenzy of hyperawareness which is probably heightened by the changes that occur through the uncertain period that is your early twenties! I do think with time it will settle down but if you find it is becoming unmanageable I would recommend talking about this with a mental health specialist who might better be able to provide you with some closure. Do you find writing your thoughts down helps you come to terms with your feelings? I would suggest to keep on writing down your thoughts and emotions as it not only allows you to process and unload, it is also a good way of monitoring your emotions and track any triggers etc.

Keep reaching out to us and remember you are never alone in this- we are here to listen

All the best

JJLemon18

Heya. Sorry was meant to reply much sooner.

First of all, reading this I felt like I unlocked a part of my brain and am now a little closer to figuring out the answer to the universe...

On a more serious note, this is a little difficult to understand for me (even after all the explaining and metaphors), but from what I gathered it seems that your 'obsession' over finding some specific 'goal' or 'meaning' causes you distress and paralysis because you don't know how to find it, or how to even start to head in that direction. So when you do get moments where things somewhat 'align' perfectly into place, you get this sense of fitting in and belonging in the world, yet your brain is still rebelling telling you that in the end its pointless as there is no 'true' or 'real' outcome to what you're doing. Its like your mind is fighting itself trying to decide what's more important, the journey, or the end goal.

It also seems to me like you found a way to use a magnifying lens to look at something up close, but then you start to get conscious of the lens itself so you take another lens to look at the first lens, and so on... Lost in the cycle of overthinking and self-consciousness until is just feels like too much 'knowledge' at which point you back out into your cave (aka. comfort zone). Does that sound about right?

Sorry I feel like I'm the one not making sense now trying to understand this lol, its very deep in a way my brain cannot comprehend.

sputnik wrote: »

a sense of realising/discovering lots of different things/perspectives but I can't really grasp any of them properly... when I go to write them down they feel totally intangible and elusive, I can't begin to find words to describe my thoughts and I find that really frustrating, which leads to trying to make sense of my thoughts which frustrates me further...
...
it's also really frustrating not being able to air my thoughts and share them with people, I feel totally alone with them. I don't know if I lack the vocabulary/language capability to explain them or if the thoughts themselves are too obscure/convoluted to be interpreted into words. I'm not sure I'm even making sense here XD

Just wanted to mention, this is literally my brain 24/7 xD

After all this rambling, I genuinely don't know what else to say or what advice I could even give. I'm sorry. It sounds really tough when it feels like your brain is your biggest enemy sometimes, controlling your thoughts and feelings in a way that might be too much or too little for you sometimes. And then its too difficult to even understand it yourself

Anyway, now please go write a book. You'd be an incredible writer! (Or a philosopher)

sputnik

Hi folks,

@Orchid059 thanks so much for you response, sorry about the late reply. It's funny how sometimes once I start writing, after a while what I'm trying to say does materialize in some form or other after all Or at least I don't feel so bottled-up any more, so it serves a purpose either way I guess. It's often hard to get myself to write anything, but once I start it carries on almost of its own accord. Thanks for your kind words and advice, I really appreciate it.

@JJLemon18 Haha thankyou! And you described it really well, especially with the 'looking at the magnifying glass through a magnifying glass' thing, that idea has really helped me understand it better. I often feel like I'm looking through the 'fourth wall' of my life and there's all these people looking back at me through it and laughing, going 'you're such an idiot!' and I'm like 'eheh, yeah, I know...'. Maybe it's actually scarier to face life head-on, so I disappear into this kind of thinking as an escape. Even though it feels in a way like it's being more 'real' it's actually taking me away from the real world, or at least it's only looking at one very specific part of it, or whatever...
Maybe I'm just taking the longest, most scenic routes possible to arrive at totally mundane conclusions! Anyway it helps knowing you have these kinds of thoughts/thought patterns too, though I'm sorry you have to deal with the frustration also. Thanks, your interpretations, have really helped me look at things differently

JJLemon18

@sputnik well now it also sounds like you're trying to please an imaginary audience too. You're sort of trying to 'explain yourself' (and everything you do) to people who don't exist! Who cares you've put milk in first before the cereal - Its YOUR choice to do so, its YOUR life, YOU like it that way (well I don't know that but just an example lol).
If there's people looking from the window of your fourth wall telling you "you're such an idiot" tell them "frick off" and shut the blinds... then proceed with doing whatever you were doing

Hope this helps at least a little haha. Take care!

Former Member

@sputnik i think i get you! Sometimes my adhd and autism make me feel similarly. I haven't felt it much in my life, but sometimes when i get to unmask for some time + get hyperfixated on something it can feel like this overwhelming happiness. It's certainly an intense feeling. For me stimming helps: flapping hands, running around, rocking side to side, etc.

Anyway, hope ur doing alright
Ps: sorry if i understood the topic incorrectly, can't focus today