I cant

Rose113 · June 29

Im so tired, absolutely drained. I feel like I did when I first tried to end my life. Im seeing things all over again I cant deal with all this. Im terrified. Im so alone and trying to deal with everything. I lost myself completely. I dont know who I am anymore and it's freaking me out. Sometimes I feel different.

Im in my body but sometimes I feel like I have different a personality and and identify as a different name. It confuses me and I guess I sound crazy. I dont know whats going on.

I've lost everyone. I've lost myself trying to please everyone else. I cant live like this. Its horrid. What's wrong with me 😭 im suicidal but I have to force myself to be safe. I have no support in real life, I have no support anywhere. I talk to samaritans and they just say im at risk. I cant deal with all this.

Im going insane 😭

lunarcat522 · June 30

So sorry to hear you're feeling like this @Rose113 it sounds so difficult

Rose113 wrote: »

Im in my body but sometimes I feel like I have different a personality and and identify as a different name. It confuses me and I guess I sound crazy. I dont know whats going on.

I'm not sure if this helps but I feel like this too so it's nice to know I'm not alone! I don't think you're crazy for it at all.

I'm sorry that you've not found Samaritans helpful but I'm glad you've felt able to reach out.

Keep us updated on how you are - we all really care about you here

I hope things get a bit better for you soon

Rose113 · June 30

I cant get out of this rock bottom state, I dont want to anything anymore, I just want to stay in my room and talk to no one. I cant cope. I feel so alone and trapped 😞

Gemma · June 30

Hey @Rose113 I'm really hearing how much pain you're experiencing and you're being so very brave to share your experiences here. What you're feeling is entirely valid and there is space here to explore things with us.

When you say you're seeing things all over again and that you're terrified, I'm wondering what you mean by this?

You're not crazy at all. Like @lunarcat522 has shared, I know many people will resonate with what you're going through. I also wanted to say that it's okay to have days where you feel super low and to just want to stay in your room and rest. But please know that in those moments you're still never alone and we're always here for you to chat to.

I'm wondering if some grounding techniques might be helpful for you? The Mix has a lovely article here which explores some of those techniques which might be useful if you're feeling particularly distressed.

I'm hearing that you're having some suicidal thoughts too and you're doing so well to keep fighting these thoughts to keep yourself safe. Remember that if you do ever find that staying safe is becoming difficult, you can always reach out to these services below:

*If you need urgent help or have any concerns for your health or safety, the quickest way to get help is to call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. 
*Local urgent mental health helpline | Open 24/7 | Find details about your local service here.
*Crisis Messenger - Our crisis messenger text service provides free, 24/7 crisis support across the UK. If you’re aged 25 or under, you can text THEMIX to 85258.
*Papyrus - If you are having thoughts of suicide, you can contact HOPELINEUK for confidential support and practical advice. You can call them on 0800 068 4141 or text them on 07786209697.
*Samaritans are reachable by phone and email 24/7. Whatever you're going through, you can call them any time, from any phone on 116 123.

Keep going @Rose113

Rose113 · June 30

@Gemma I cant do this, its so hard but im trying. Im really trying.

When you say you're seeing things all over again and that you're terrified, I'm wondering what you mean by this?

I see people and dad and people dressed in white.

No nothing helps, ive completely lost my appetite and all yesterday all I did was lay in bed watching law and order

Gemma · June 30

You're doing so well to keep trying @Rose113. We're right here beside you.

That sounds really frightening to be seeing things like this. Is there anything that is triggering you to start seeing these things and does it happen at certain times of the day?

Law and Order is such a great comfort programme! I'm there with you on that one. Is there anything you can do today to look after yourself? Even doing small things we enjoy can often help lift our mood even a little.

But it's okay to be in your feels too and if laying in bed and watching tv gives your body that time to rest and decompress then that's totally valid.

Rose113 · June 30

@Gemma it happens at random times but last night it was really bad, I felt so unsafe

So far just been cuddling Barney whilst watching it. I just see no joy in anything

I dont feel like moving from my bed at all

Gemma · June 30

@Rose113 that does sound really frightening and you're being so brave to share these things with us. I'm just wondering when you say you see your dad and these people dressed in white, are they saying anything or is it just visions you're seeing? Either way, it's so valid to feel upset and scared from this. It might be worth speaking to your GP if it persists as it can't be nice to experience.

Cuddling Barney sounds like such a great act of self-care @Rose113!! It's okay to feel this way right now and it's okay to have those days where we just need to stay in bed and wrap ourselves up in blankets. Just know that we're here for you.

I'm aware you said the things you've been seeing made you feel unsafe last night. Can I just check in to see if you're feeling like you're in a safe place just now? We really care about you.

Rose113 · June 30

@Gemma the ones in white whisper but I cant tell what they say

I dont know if I feel safe or not

I'm sorry. Please dont call anyone on me

Gemma · June 30

That sounds really frightening @Rose113 and I can imagine this would make you feel uneasy and unsafe. You're doing really well to keep reaching out here and talking about your experiences. It might be worth looking into The Voice Collective who have some resources to support young people experiencing some of these things.

Thank you for being honest with us too about your safety. Is there anything in particular that's making you feel unsure about your safety today? I'm wondering if you'll be at home with someone today who could make sure that you're safe?

If you do start to feel like you're unsafe, would you feel comfy reaching out to a crisis service such as Crisis Messenger, Samaritans, Papyrus, or your local urgent mental health helpline?

Rose113 · June 30

@Gemma my mind feel like it's going to explode and I feel so paranoid that I'm not alone but I am alone and I should be safe but maybe it's just my mind playing tricks.

Im with mum but she's downstairs recovering from covid.

Im not gonna hurt myself but yeah I dont know im sorry

maybe I should of kept my mouth shut

Gemma · June 30

We don't want you to keep your mouth shut @Rose113 - we want to support you, we're interested in your life, and really care about how you're doing. You're a staple of our community and you are very deserving of support.

It's positive to hear you say that you should be safe and that you're not going to hurt yourself. But I totally understand that you're feeling paranoid right now and feeling quite frightened at what you've been experiencing.

I'd recommend looking at some of these resources and support services when you get a chance to explore what kind of support is out there for you:

The Voice Collective | call 020 7911 0822 or email info@voicecollective.co.uk. They have an online peer support forum, where you can connect in with others who are experiencing something similar to you and they also have tools on their website where you can select what difficult emotion you're experiencing currently, and it gives you relevant coping mechanisms.

Hearing Voices Network | call 0114 271 8210 or e-mail them on nhvn@hotmail.co.uk 

Our article on hearing voices on our website

Sending you lots of strength @Rose113 - keep us updated with how your day is going

eylah · June 30

hi rose. your feelings matter. you can always reach out and well support you. how are you now?. sending lots of hugs.

Rose113 · June 30

@eylah finally dragged myself out of bed just to sit at the end of my bed 🤦‍♀️

eylah · June 30

@Rose113 . that a achievement in itself. one step at time. baby steps.

Rose113 · June 30

I want to go back to bed

I'm so drained

Rose113 · June 30

Sigh I'm just living off cucumber and ice lollies -_-

eylah · June 30

Rose113 wrote: »

I want to go back to bed I'm so drained

if you do go bed. you should be proud of yourself for at least trying to get up. you are so strong.

Sunshine12 · June 30

Rose113 wrote: »

Im so tired, absolutely drained. I feel like I did when I first tried to end my life. Im seeing things all over again I cant deal with all this. Im terrified. Im so alone and trying to deal with everything. I lost myself completely. I dont know who I am anymore and it's freaking me out. Sometimes I feel different.

Im in my body but sometimes I feel like I have different a personality and and identify as a different name. It confuses me and I guess I sound crazy. I dont know whats going on.

I've lost everyone. I've lost myself trying to please everyone else. I cant live like this. Its horrid. What's wrong with me 😭 im suicidal but I have to force myself to be safe. I have no support in real life, I have no support anywhere. I talk to samaritans and they just say im at risk. I cant deal with all this.

Im going insane 😭

Hey, i'm really sorry to hear ur going through such a difficult time, it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of hard stuff, and u don't sound crazy, it sounds perfectly reasonable that you're feeling the way u are. You reaching out and explaining what you're experiencing and ur feelings was a really admirable thing to do and also brave, which u shouldn't have to be because i hear ur feeling really isolated and like no one is helping u which i'm really sorry to hear, u should never have to feel like u have no support. Sending u lots of love

amy02 · July 1

I'm so sorry to hear this @Rose113 ,everything you're going through sounds so difficult to deal with. I just wanted to check in to see how you've been feeling today? We are all here for you and care about you, and you are so strong for reaching out.
Sending big hugs

I cant

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