not sure what to do about my pronouns

Anonymous55

I'm pretty sure I'm non-binary, or genderfluid, because I feel way more comfortable with they/them/theirs most of the time, though sometimes he/him/his, she/her/her's or even it/its/it's. This is a problem at home, especially now, because one: my parents don't know I prefer other pronouns/don't care about the pronouns others use for me. Two: we have a guest coming over who's a non-binary out of the closet, and I don't know whether I should ask them to use the specific set of pronouns my parents are used to hearing, or just let them use whichever and hope no one comments on it. Third: I don't know if my parents will accept it, and I'm not sure how my brother will react to me coming out either(even though he's trans and I'm mainly concerned he won't take me seriously because I'm young)

My parents do technically know I'm not sure about my gender, but I think my mom believes I'm just experimenting, and my dad, thanks to a misunderstanding, thinks I'm just worried that because I don't give my gender, sex, orientation (I'm pansexual and we all know it so I'm kinda out of the closet there) and pronouns too much thought, and care more about existing and being alive in general to worry too much, that I've decided I might not be the gender I was raised as. He is very much wrong. I do think about my gender. I just don't worry about it. The most I'm doing about everything right now is telling my friends that I ain't cis, and to actively range my vocal abilities so I can sound like anyone on the spectrum if practicing/ letting myself slip into varying voices (which means any body dysmorphia rarely happens unless I think about why I feel uncomfortable using certain voices sometimes, and will hopefully stay away forever)

All in all, I just need some advice from you guys on what I can do to prevent anything from coming out to my parents too soon because honestly I just can't with that rn.

ella

Hey! As a queer person myself, I understand that figuring out your gender identity and taking control of your narrative is not an easy thing to do. It can be super overwhelming and we are proud of you for reaching out to the community, this will always be a safe space to talk about this. Navigating your identity, especially in a home environment that might not fully understand, can be really challenging. It's completely valid to feel comfortable with different pronouns at different times, and it's okay to take your time figuring things out.

It's nerve-wracking when someone you care about might not be on board. Advocating for your identity can be really exhausting. For your upcoming situation with the non-binary guest, trust your instincts. You could choose to have a quiet conversation with them beforehand about your pronoun preferences and any worries you have about your family's reactions. It’s perfectly okay to prioritise your comfort and safety but equally, it might be useful to use this persons lived experiences to help advocate for your own. This shouldn't all fall on you though, so do you feel like you have a community you can lean on to help with that self-advocacy? Having a supportive group of people who understand what you're going through can be a big help, and they can absolutely offer advice and encouragement as you navigate self-advocacy, as well as just being a safe place to land when things get too much I found some tips on self-advocacy here:

https://www.transrightsbc.ca/take-action/self-advocacy-guide/#:~:text=Self-advocacy means speaking up,your preferred name and pronoun

In terms of your family, remember that coming out is a personal journey. It's okay to set boundaries and take things at your own pace. You’re not obligated to disclose anything before you’re ready.

It's also understandable to worry about how your brother or others might react, but your experience and identity are valid regardless of your age. You're exploring who you are, and that's a courageous step.

How does this sound? I want reiterate that The Mix will always be a safe environment for you to lean on as you go through this journey, so please do keep us updated on how you get on

Anonymous55

@ella
I do have a group of friends, most if not all of which are allies, and one of which is also queer, so I do have support at school. I also have a counsellor so she's really helpful, but it's hard because I keep thinking I'm wrong. I keep thinking I'm just going through a phase, or misunderstanding my situation, and then I ask whether I'm comfortable with pronouns I wasn't born with, whether I like my voice and body, and I suddenly realize that maybe I'm not misunderstanding the way I feel. Then it just goes on and on. It's confusing, and I'm a bit scared. What if my parents don't love me the way they used to because I don't feel like I was born right? They might never say it out loud, but what if they resent me for not being the cis, heterosexual child my brother isn't? I know it's irrational, because my parents have always displayed how much they support me and my brother's decisions in just about everything (except for caffeine, I'm not allowed that ) so why am I scared?

Anonymous55

update-I asked my mom if she would resent me for it. She said she would be sad. What do I do?
Yesterday, I told my mum I still wasn't sure if I was cis. She said that it's not like I can do much till I'm eighteen. She thought I was talking about being trans, but I hadn't caught on yet, so I asked her if she would resent me. She said she would be sad. She said that I look like 'a beautiful baby girl to her'. She said she'd be sad because 'she'd already lost one beautiful little girl' (referring to the fact that my brother is trans, even though that's stupid to say) I told her she hadn't lost anyone, and that my brother could be a beautiful little boy. Then I explained that I meant about being non-binary, and she said that was 'better' and 'not so bad'. I just don't know what to do. She's just-god, I can't even begin to express how much all of that hurt me, especially (TRIGGER WARNING FOR DISCUSSIONS OF ATTEMPTED SUICIDEbecause my brother actually tried to take his own life. Then she would have lost someone. Then she would have lost both of us, probably, because I think I would've taken my own life later on if he did. So her saying that she's lost a child hurts me on so many levels, because sometimes I stay awake at night bawling my eyes out knowing I could have lost someone so precious to me, and she's acting like she has. So yeah. Fears confirmed.

JustV

Anonymous55 wrote: »

She said that I look like 'a beautiful baby girl to her'. She said she'd be sad because 'she'd already lost one beautiful little girl' (referring to the fact that my brother is trans, even though that's stupid to say) I told her she hadn't lost anyone, and that my brother could be a beautiful little boy. Then I explained that I meant about being non-binary, and she said that was 'better' and 'not so bad'. I just don't know what to do.

Yikes - not surprised you feel fearful after that. What a rough thing to hear, especially with the context of your bro's past attempt to take his life. I'm sorry @Anonymous55

This is a rough situation, because assuming the best in your mum here, she's probably being truthful in that she feels genuine conflict about this but also sincerely loves you. You said your parents have shown support for you and your brother in everything, and that may still be true even if your mum is finding the idea of this difficult to process at this point in time.

For some parents, identity changes in their kids are hard to process, especially if they're emotionally attached to those bits of identity (whether it's gender, a name, even a hobby). If this is true for your mum, it's not necessarily her fault and it's something she can work through, but the weight of that shouldn't be placed on you. That conversation must have taken a lot of courage to have and you deserved to feel accepted and validated after it - not fearful. 💚

I'd probably be feeling pretty awful after that interaction too, but please know that you have a right to live how you want, and every part of you is valid (at least, it is here).

Anonymous55 wrote: »

What do I do?

How comfortable would you feel writing her a letter / message?

When there's a big, emotionally-charged conflict, I find writing down my thoughts and reflections to send to the person is a good first step in resolving it. It means I can say my piece uninterrupted, without all the anger or upset I might feel in the heat of the moment, and I can take my time to lay out how I honestly feel and try my best to be empathetic to them.

If you do decide to do this, using 'I statements' can be a good way to go about it. Focusing on how you feel and your perspective rather than things the other person did. Helps make sure they don't get defensive before they've even digested what you're saying to them.

Anonymous55 wrote: »

I keep thinking I'm just going through a phase, or misunderstanding my situation, and then I ask whether I'm comfortable with pronouns I wasn't born with, whether I like my voice and body, and I suddenly realize that maybe I'm not misunderstanding the way I feel. Then it just goes on and on. It's confusing, and I'm a bit scared.

I also wanted to touch on this (sorry long post!)

For the sake of argument, say this is true - say it does end up being a phase or a misunderstanding on your part. It's okay to work through that and come out the other side with a different perspecitve on your identity and who you are (if that's what happens).

I've been through periods like this, and how I think about my sexuality and gender has changed a few times in my adult life. Sometimes we put a lot of pressure on ourselves (or other people put pressure on us) to be sure about these things when it's okay to feel uncertain.