Unwell (in my mind) or just tired but took the day off work (TW)

Distraction

I've been struggling a little, took a sick day today, I went in and then just told them I threw up during the night/morning (which was mostly a lie)

I don't even know whats wrong, urges are bad, I'm really irritable, tired, overwhelmed, bit hurt, restless, my mind feels so heavy and empty, it's the first time in my working life that I've pulled a sickie/ called in, I decided to try get a washing on and clean my room, I've tidied downstairs and changed the bed already, currently sitting on the bed with shit everywhere lol

I just don't know what to do/ how to feel better, will probably have a nice dinner and a movie

I don't want to go in tomorrow but I'll have to go in the next day for sure

I run five times a week, I've missed two so far, going to put effort into getting out tonight to feel proud and stay on track or I'll beat myself up about it (I really hope I make it out, even for five minutes)

I can usually keep going, drag myself through and then things turn out ok but I just feel floored, my mind just isn't here

Why is life so hard sometimes, for no reason at all, I just want to shake this off and can't understand why I'm unable to

lunarcat522

@Distraction I think you've handled it really well, mental health is just as important as physical health so it's great you're taking a bit of time for yourself. You're doing really well even just getting through the day is a really big achievement and I don't think enough people recognise that.

It's okay to not know what to do, I would suggest just taking it easy and having a bit of a 'breather' from the bustle that comes with everyday life. Dinner and a movie sound like great ideas.

I would definitely continue listening to yourself and what you need so if you don't feel like you can manage tomorrow that's completely fine! I would see how you feel tomorrow just in case, but the good thing is workplaces typically have policies about sick bugs where if

you throw up

they would want you to wait 48 hours before coming back in so it buys you a bit of time if you need it.

5 times a week is a lot! I think it's okay to slow down sometimes too! Even just walking is still exercise!

"Distraction wrote: »

I can usually keep going, drag myself through and then things turn out ok but I just feel floored, my mind just isn't here

Why is life so hard sometimes, for no reason at all, I just want to shake this off and can't understand why I'm unable to

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with these things, but I also want to remind you it's okay to not be okay, we just need to figure out how to handle it the best we can. It might be worth contacting a GP for some temporary/long term support depending on how you feel. They may also be able to help you navigate the workplace when you're feeling like this. Thank you so much for opening up, it's a really great first step, you're definitely not alone in this and you're doing really well, even if you don't believe it. Our 'best' looks different day to day, hour by hour and that's okay.

Hope things get better for you soon

Distraction

Thank you @lunarcat522

You're words were lovely to read and I really needed them the other day, I hope you know how much of an amazing impact you have on these boards

My work place sadly doesn't follow the 48hr rule and I was too stressed to call yesterday, so ended up going in, it was probably for the best to be honest, as much as I could have done with another day off, I would've felt really bad about it, the previous day off did help so maybe that's enough for now

Regarding the running, I'm training for my dream job lol, need to stay consistent, I'm beating the times I need though, so hopefully it starts becoming something thats more enjoyable, rather then dreading it hahah


Thanks again,
I just feel like I've not been ok for so long now, I just wish I could step outside my life for a second, see the things around me, appreciate the world, breath a different air you know

I'm so tired of being tired and hurt and fighting and stressed but you're right, we can only try to handle it the best we can and if that means taking a day off work like the other day, then that's not such a bad thing eh

As for the GP idea, I put myself into private therapy a few months back, I want to change, I want things to be better and sometimes it's easier to say that on the better days, to have that hope that, that time will come and at the moment it's just baby steps

I wonder if the psychologist would be able to help navigate the work place as well

Thanks a lot

Gemma

Hey @Distraction, you're doing so well to keep reaching out and we're all here for you.

I'm glad to hear the day off helped - like you say, we are all trying our best in this world and sometimes we need a break for all kinds of reasons. At the end of the day, that's what sick days are there for and we should take them if we need a rest mentally, just as we would if we were physically unwell.

How is your therapy going? I'm pleased you have an outlet and I'm sure your psychologist would be happy to talk about the workplace, how to recognise when you need a break, and reduce your feelings of guilt around that.

Also what's the dream job? In running? That's super cool! You have a lot more motivation than me running that often haha

I also just wanted to pick up on what you shared here:

Distraction wrote: »

I don't even know whats wrong, urges are bad.

Can you let us know what kinds of urges these are that you're referring to (e.g., self-harm, suicidal thoughts, alcohol, or something else?). We're just asking the community to share this info about any urges so we can make sure we're providing the best support.

Is there anything you've found that usually helps you when you're experiencing these urges? Do you feel like you can keep yourself safe?

I'm going to assume you mean self-harm urges (but please let me know if that's wrong!). The organisation Mind has a great article with some tips on coping with urges to SH. There are also apps like Calm Harm and distrACT with tips and techniques on coping with SH - we'd always recommend trying these things out.

Keep us updated with how you're doing @Distraction, we care about you.

Distraction

Thank you @Gemma, You're words are very kind

Therapy's ok, I started seeing a new one a month or two ago and he seems great, I just find it a bit hard to work out whats wrong, everything I say feels so far off the real problem/feelings but he asks good questions, it'll just take a bit of time, I'll probably bring work up to him this week

Dream job is the army, I actually made it into training last year but everything that could go wrong pretty much did lol, I got covid, my fitness went down hill, broke my ankle and in the end I was in training way longer then I should have been, so I got let go with a 12 month ban (which is almost over) before I can reapply

Near the end of my time in training I knew I wasn't going to pass the assessments, a lot of people believed in me, my sgt especially, but I'd have panic attacks before the running assessments and I'd mentally shut down, I really wanted to make him proud and I will, I aim to go back so I can send him an email saying I done it, I set out to do this and I want to finish it, it's been a childhood dream

So when I got home I decided to sort myself out, got a running coach and a therapist to get past mental barriers, I think I'm just starting to flag a bit now, I know I'll do it and I'm using the time to my advantage with getting fitter and in a better mental state but it's like I'm zoned out right now, I just don't care and I don't know if I have the energy to get to where I want to be anymore, I just want it to all be ok for once, easy and I know life isn't easy or fair but is it so bad just to hope it might be, just for a little while,

(TW)

I look at how far I've come, I was an abused kid, my mother was a violent suicidal alcoholic, I moved in with my step mum when I was 12 who is now much better but was very much a horrible narcissist, I was assaulted (to say the least) within the last year by a guy, I couldn't get out the car for a park run because I was so anxious of running

but

I also have great friends, I've finally reported my mother to the police, I'm achieving my running times, I've signed up for a half marathon

It's kind of mad and horrible knowing you have the power to change your life or make it what it is but also just feeling like you could ignore it all, give in and just melt away in the pain, it's so hard to keep walking in the dark and it's so lonely when everything feels like a big secret, like I just need a hug, I have so many mixed feelings and emotions lol, I know the right and I know the wrong and I'm just sitting in the middle, hurting, screaming quietly for a mum, for some wise person to say it's ok, to say it's enough, to just say something to take this pain away but you can't wait for someone who is never coming

Sorry bit of rant, I thought about deleting it but maybe the above needs said and I hope it's ok to





As for the urges, it is self harm, I've been free for about three years but recently it's been really tough, found myself reaching for things and having to have a stern reasoning with myself as to why now, can I put it off a little longer, just another night, just another hour, just the next 5 minutes, just don't do it right now,

I feel like I can keep myself safe, I go for a run with the thought of calling a helpline when I finish (I never call, I can cope with it) I do wonder how long I can keep this up for but it's working so far

Thank you for the websites and tips, i feel like they really helped when I was first trying to stop it, but now, it's just a matter of letting the urges pass, I feel so silly wanting to self harm at this age, I started because of the nightmares you know, when I was really young, I didn't want to sleep because I'd wake up in a sweat, seeing things in the dark, feeling the pain of the zombies attacking me, not being able to move, thinking every one in the world was dead, so I self harmed to stay awake, I was a kid, I just think it's so sad and now in the present day I'm stuck with the urges to keep doing it, I hate my mother, I hate how we were treated, I hate how much it's impacted my life right now, I hate being stuck in the past

But again life is what you make it, just got to get there, I'll drag myself there, I've got this far, it's not long now until I'm the person I imagine I can be

Again, I'm sorry for the length of this, I hope it's not to much and sorry if I've gone off track but I've re read this over and over and over thought it and I'm really tired so I hope it's ok to post

Thank you very much for letting me rant, I hope you're well