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I'm jealous of people with DID and I feel bad about it
Anonymous55
Posts: 37 Boards Initiate
I've been through some stuff that has honestly made the ideation of suicide something normal for me from the age of 5 to 11; all the way through primary school. I was bullied in nursery too, so that was a bonus I suppose. Now that I'm finally out of my personal hell, I'm still wandering around in the woods. My friendship situation has improved to a point I'd not have believed possible when I was in primary, but I've still had to deal with some awful treatment from other kids. As have my friends. Which leads me to my next point. I'm supremely jealous of people with DID, because 1: at least they have a legitimate reason for acting like someone else entirely, and 2: dear lord would I have craved (and still do at certain points) to have someone else in my corner who actually understands me and can take control. Because sometimes, I really don't want control. Because I'm in control every moment of every day, and it sucks. I struggle to regulate my emotions to such a point that my brother, freaked out by something I did for a prank once, called me possessed.
What I did was this- I was having what I've christened 'a mania episode' where I feel like Toga Himiko on alcohol. Cloud nine with a bottle of booze. I've looked at how she acts, and I honestly feel like I can relate to her. I feel insane. I feel like I could kill someone and laugh (obviously I'd never do that but the mania is still there) anyway, I was in the middle of having a shower, and I thought I'd Rick Roll my bro by banging on the wall to the tune of 'never gonna give you up'. He...was not pleased. He freaked out at me and screamed that he thought I was trapped or something. Obviously, the cloud nine feeling was somewhat...less floaty and more 'dear god why the hell am I such a freak?'. Later, when I inevitably had to face my parents, I just told them I didn't want to talk about it, because how the hell would I explain that?
'Hey ma, yk those mania episodes I have sometimes that neither of us have told dad about because he'll gaslight me into thinking I'm just adjusting to hormones from puberty? Yeah, that's why my brother nearly had a panic attack. Sorry for being such a god damn freak'
It happens in class too. I find situations that are triggering for me incredibly funny and I'll just burst out laughing. I'm not sure if it's a form of overstimulation, but I don't know. When it happens, I get the urge to squeal or cackle. Not sure about that either...I've considered bi-polar as a possibility, but I don't want to go labelling myself. My friend, who also struggles with her mental health, has confronted me about laughing and grinning all the time, and told me I can be myself with her, but I've lost so much in terms of sanity that I don't what's genuine anymore. To be honest, everything about me could be completely false, or totally bona fide. And I wouldn't know diddly squat. I used to talk to voices in my head when I was a child, and at one point I even used to have this toy phone I imagined them speaking through. It was probably the imaginary friends thing, but the voice was actually nice to me (spoiler I was thinking the words and responding to myself) whereas the 'imaginary' friend I had once was abusive (probably because every other friend I had was too lol)
So yeah. I'm jealous. I'm the therapist of my friend group, helping my besties, who are each struggling with things, to cope. I don't want all that goddam pressure on me. But other times I do. It keeps changing. Everything I want keeps changing. Sometimes I want the drama, I want the gossip, I want that power. And other times I don't. I just want to be alone, sitting in the sun, safe and happy. And all of that is me. I'm in control. All the time. And I want someone else to take control and know what it means. But the definition of control fluctuates, and I don't know how to show genuine emotion around other people because laughter instead of anger or hate...that is genuine for me. I do feel delighted and manic. I do feel angry, but it comes in a different form. And I don't know what to do. Please, if anyone else has experience this, explain what's going on. Because I don't freaking know.
What I did was this- I was having what I've christened 'a mania episode' where I feel like Toga Himiko on alcohol. Cloud nine with a bottle of booze. I've looked at how she acts, and I honestly feel like I can relate to her. I feel insane. I feel like I could kill someone and laugh (obviously I'd never do that but the mania is still there) anyway, I was in the middle of having a shower, and I thought I'd Rick Roll my bro by banging on the wall to the tune of 'never gonna give you up'. He...was not pleased. He freaked out at me and screamed that he thought I was trapped or something. Obviously, the cloud nine feeling was somewhat...less floaty and more 'dear god why the hell am I such a freak?'. Later, when I inevitably had to face my parents, I just told them I didn't want to talk about it, because how the hell would I explain that?
'Hey ma, yk those mania episodes I have sometimes that neither of us have told dad about because he'll gaslight me into thinking I'm just adjusting to hormones from puberty? Yeah, that's why my brother nearly had a panic attack. Sorry for being such a god damn freak'
It happens in class too. I find situations that are triggering for me incredibly funny and I'll just burst out laughing. I'm not sure if it's a form of overstimulation, but I don't know. When it happens, I get the urge to squeal or cackle. Not sure about that either...I've considered bi-polar as a possibility, but I don't want to go labelling myself. My friend, who also struggles with her mental health, has confronted me about laughing and grinning all the time, and told me I can be myself with her, but I've lost so much in terms of sanity that I don't what's genuine anymore. To be honest, everything about me could be completely false, or totally bona fide. And I wouldn't know diddly squat. I used to talk to voices in my head when I was a child, and at one point I even used to have this toy phone I imagined them speaking through. It was probably the imaginary friends thing, but the voice was actually nice to me (spoiler I was thinking the words and responding to myself) whereas the 'imaginary' friend I had once was abusive (probably because every other friend I had was too lol)
So yeah. I'm jealous. I'm the therapist of my friend group, helping my besties, who are each struggling with things, to cope. I don't want all that goddam pressure on me. But other times I do. It keeps changing. Everything I want keeps changing. Sometimes I want the drama, I want the gossip, I want that power. And other times I don't. I just want to be alone, sitting in the sun, safe and happy. And all of that is me. I'm in control. All the time. And I want someone else to take control and know what it means. But the definition of control fluctuates, and I don't know how to show genuine emotion around other people because laughter instead of anger or hate...that is genuine for me. I do feel delighted and manic. I do feel angry, but it comes in a different form. And I don't know what to do. Please, if anyone else has experience this, explain what's going on. Because I don't freaking know.
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Comments
I firstly just wanted to acknowledge this^. I'm really sorry that you had such a terrible time at school - nobody should have to experience bullying and it sounds so rough that you and some of your friends had to put up with such treatment. You deserve better than that. I'm aware you mention here that you have experienced suicidal ideation - is that something that is still cropping up for you now? If so, can I ask whether you feel like you can keep yourself safe from those thoughts?
I hear what you're saying here and I think that's a perfectly normal feeling to want someone else to take the wheel every now and then. Life can be overwhelming and messy, and sometimes we find it difficult to face the day, our responsibilities, and our emotions, and that's okay.
Mind has a lovely article here on understanding our feelings and emotions, which you might like to read into. I also wondered if you had heard of the feely wheel (or feelings wheel) before? It's quite a nice way to help describe how we are feeling and you might find it useful to help you talk about things: https://feelingswheel.com/
I don't think you're alone with any of this - a laugh can be a sort of emotional defence mechanism. It can make the situation easier, and it’s why some people tend to get a dark humour after it, because seeing the traumatic experience as a joke can be a distancing and relieving behaviour. It's really lovely that you have a friend who has told you that you can be yourself around her. That sounds like someone to hold onto.
I'm sure other community members will chip in here too - especially if they can relate to some of the things you've mentioned here. On your last point, I'd say that it's never your responsibility to look after someone else or to ensure someone's safety. It's easier said than done, but if being the therapist friend is feeling too pressurised in some situations, it's 100% okay to set some boundaries with your friends. If you're nervous about doing that - we can help you with talking that through.
Take good care of yourself @Anonymous55 and keep us updated with how you are.
First off, thank you for your thoughtfulness and kindness; I really do appreciate it. Secondly, to your point about my suicidal ideation experiences, these thoughts only crop up nowadays if I'm in the midst of a meltdown, or a panic attack, or an anxiety attack, or even a flashback. Thirdly, the advice to check out this 'feelings wheel' is, again, greatly appreciated and I will make sure to do so. Fourthly, the issue with being the therapist friend when these situations arise is that I want to be the therapist. I like hearing about these things, and even though I get sick of it when I'm done giving advice, during that period, I have fun helping them. I think the reason it makes me feel so powerful is because when they text me about it, I'm able to analyse the situation in a way I can't in real life.
It's like I'm a different person. I'm talking the way I like talking. I'm explaining things the way children my age and below find strange, because I'm 'too smart' or something. That part is a bit more to do with my neurodivergence, but the point is that I seem to compartmentalize the way I act. At home I'm more childish. I purposefully use a baby voice. I stim a lot. I let my emotions out a bit more. At school I'm either focused, and cold, or overtly cheerful and speak more like children my age. But when I'm writing or addressing an adult, I use my vocabulary to portray that I am a well spoken, eloquent young individual who need not be treated with kiddie gloves. But I'm still me. And when I use this part/version of myself, I feel more in control than I do when I'm going through a phase of mania.
I suppose it is because, when I was much younger, it was the way I grew up speaking. And then I got traumatized and shit happened and now I have mental health issues whoop di do