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Friendship dilemma
Former Member
Posts: 26 Boards Initiate
I was talking to my friend about something, and she asked me to discuss more about it. It was about an experience I had, but I chose to describe it in a way that was objective and underlined the psychology concept behind it. Then she mentioned how it comes across as if I am detached from what has happened to me, and that I 'intellectualise' what I say - which she has told me a number of times before.
I didn't have any feelings towards what I had been talking about, but it was as if she expected me to talk about my feelings. And even if I had - shouldn't it be my choice whether I disclose them to her or not? It doesn't mean that I am dismissing my emotions - I just didn't want to talk about them with her. But the way she keeps saying that I 'intellectualise' makes me feel as if she is just judging the way that I talk, rather than trying to actually *hear* what I have to say and understand me. It makes me want to be less open with her and talk about my feelings less.
Do you have any suggestions on how I could approach this with her? I haven't ever had a friendship like this, so it is difficult for me to know how this tension can be resolved.
Thank you
I didn't have any feelings towards what I had been talking about, but it was as if she expected me to talk about my feelings. And even if I had - shouldn't it be my choice whether I disclose them to her or not? It doesn't mean that I am dismissing my emotions - I just didn't want to talk about them with her. But the way she keeps saying that I 'intellectualise' makes me feel as if she is just judging the way that I talk, rather than trying to actually *hear* what I have to say and understand me. It makes me want to be less open with her and talk about my feelings less.
Do you have any suggestions on how I could approach this with her? I haven't ever had a friendship like this, so it is difficult for me to know how this tension can be resolved.
Thank you
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Comments
I would recommend having a chat with her about it, just so she is aware that you're not comfortable talking about how you feel and hopefully she will respect your decision and take that into consideration.
Is there someone close to you who you do feel comfortable talking to about how you feel, as sometimes it feels comforting confiding in someone?
Remember we are also here for you whenever you feel like reaching out, so keep seeking support and update us with how you are getting on
I just think that she has this expectation for me to express my feelings intimately with her all the time, when 1. I might not want to with her specifically if I don't feel it is necessary nor will it benefit me, but 2. I don't always have any emotions towards something - like I don't have any emotions towards an orange being a fruit because that's just a concept.
Right now I am just trying to plan a message to send to her, and to approach it in a way that will be good for the both of us, but I am feeling really scared about sending it.
I do have people that I can speak to about my emotions, and I do occasionally speak with her anyways about my emotions when I want to. Thank you
For some people talking about feelings in broader terms by referring to the concepts behind them might help to contextualise and get a better understanding of the situation - for other people, talking about lived experiences by focusing on talking about feelings in a subjective way might seem more helpful and might strengthen their bond with another person.
I second what @Orchid059 has said, that your friend's intentions might have been in the right place, and i believe that talking openly about it will give them insight into how you'd like to approach these discussions in the future.
Hopefully she'll respond soon and thank you for sharing this with us
She did respond to me and I feel awful about it. Even though it was me opening up about how I had felt about what she was doing, it feels as if she turned the situation around on me because she began listing all of the things she didn’t like that I was doing. And she further said she doesn’t like feeling like she has to constantly walk on egg shells, and because I hadn’t messaged her for two days she felt as if she was being punished and stonewalled. And she isn’t sure about whether we can still be friends.
It’s a lot for me to take in and I don’t know what’s best in this situation. I don’t know whether I want to continue being her friend either, but I’m just scared that I am in the wrong and I just can’t accept it.
Thank you for talking so openly about the situation. there is no right or wrong way to approach talking about feelings and therefore you can never really be in the wrong when you decide to put boundaries in place so you can feel like you are being seen and in a safe space.
I'm sorry your friend did not react how you wanted to and that she is criticising you for the way in which you are approaching your own feelings - sometimes the way people decide to tackle this sort of things is just incompatible.
I understand how someone reacting that way to you opening up may make you feel hurt and make you question your actions - are you scared that you might potentially lose her friendship because you do want to maintain your relationship with her or do you think that the anxiety and overwhelming emotions you are feeling right now are more linked to the fact that you were made to feel misunderstood and to doubt yourself?
Sending hugs your way
I think I am scared because of all of the things you listed. I'm not sure whether I want to maintain the relationship with her anymore and I feel scared that if I do end it then it would be something I would regret, even though I guess I haven't exactly felt content in the friendship for a long time- and perhaps I never have. I realised that when I first knew her, I wanted to her to like me and that has meant I have done things that I'm not okay with in order to not rock the boat (which I know is down to my responsibility- and perhaps some people will consider that to be 'people-pleasing), and so that makes me really question how genuine this is, and there isn't any way for me to 'fix' the past. But also I feel misunderstood and doubting myself - because she has scrutinised the way that I talk and tried to interpret it. It has made me doubt my whole identity to the point that I don't even know who I am anymore, and I cannot honestly know what my intentions are (like I honestly cannot tell if I am doing something with malicious intent or if I do want to purely do something good), and I do want to be a good person but now I can't even tell if I have a hidden motive behind things because I have constantly been told that there is, even though originally I hadn't thought that way.
Sounds like there's a lot going on in the dynamic between you and your friend. I can understand how stressful it can feel when you're unsure about a friendship, I've been in that position a few times, and when you're struggling to work out what's going on.
On the one hand, it sounds like your friend's intentions may be to help you by pointing out things that might be hindering your ability to process how you feel, such as that you may be intellectualizing feelings instead of feeling them; which could be great if it felt helpful to you but it clearly doesn't, which is totally fair enough and there's nothing wrong with gently letting her know that. It sounds like you feel as if she's kinda analyzing you, like she's taken on the role of 'therapist' almost and that you feel kind of under a microscope? (correct me if I'm wrong of course!) I can totally imagine that feeling really uncomfortable, and if it's reached the degree where you feel insecure in yourself because she's constantly questioning what you do and what your motives are etc, she really needs to know it's not at all beneficial to you, in fact it's quite the opposite. If she invites and expects you to be honest with her but cannot take your honesty, there's not much you can do. However she might just need some time to think about it - when I'm first confronted with difficult truths I tend to react defensively straight away and then feel very differently later (as do so many of us I guess!) as my anger gets less.
If it were me, I would wait and see what happens and whether you're able to have a reasonable and empathetic conversation with her about it - you may find your friendship grows in strength as a result (the resolution of conflicts can be an important step in forming stronger relationships in some cases, I think), or, it may become clear that the friendship isn't really working and that it's sort of run its course, as some friendships do, and that's OK too (though it's hard).
I hope you're not too anxious about this and that it turns out OK. Sounds like you've been pretty brave in communicating how you feel to her
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
But yeah I think I have somewhat come to terms with the fact that we might not continue being friends, and honestly I'm just feeling exhausted- and she probably does too.
(By the way, I really like your profile picture and your username!)
I thought I should give you an update to say that our friendship has ended. I know that with our altercation there were things that I did do wrong, and so I have had the blessing of learning how to interact better with other people- and I hope that I can actually be a better friend from this experience.
It feels kind of awful, but also as a relief. I have never had a friendship properly end like this- basically most of my friendships end when we drift apart naturally over time, but with an argument I have never had a friendship end. I guess I have never exactly had an argument between a friend either. I want to be able to remember this as something that I can improve on, and so hopefully I can build better friendships with the people around me and therefore this situation won't come up again.
Thank you for all of you for providing me with support. I am honestly so grateful that you took the time to respond to what I had written about, and I have enjoyed hearing all of your different perspectives.
I'm sorry to hear the friendship has ended, I can understand it being a relief as well as painful
(And thankyou re my username/profile pic!
but let this sink in
you do not have to fight by yourself
~ lyrics from Willow by The Little Unsaid
Thank you for letting us know how the situation evolved, I understand it must be hard to see a friendship end; especially when it does not happen in good terms. It's great that you have managed to use this as a learning experience and have found more clarity as to how you want to move forward with your friendships. It's ok to have short-lived friendships and hopefully you'll find friends you are more compatible with in the future