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Feeling like an outsider and struggling with rumination
Creativeboy23
Posts: 278 The Mix Regular
Hello.
I have been in a low mood.
While playing pool, it reminded me of when a member from an old youth club asked if I played pool before, which felt like I was being criticised for not understanding the rules. It triggered me to play out scenarios of the pool runner asking the member if I and others have played before. I felt like an outsider when others were having conversations with each other. I had a thought that I shared with my friends that I have felt I always made an effort to have a conversation with others in general and no one will reciprocate. I noticed that there were a couple of letters in my letterbox, bringing up feelings of guilt because I once did not check my letterbox daily and found a couple of letters. This triggered me to play out a scenario in which my support worker told me I needed to check my letterbox. I was upset that he did not understand that my autism affects my day-to-day living.
I was initially positive about considering dating. I am still considering it but I have now been feeling that I am not supposed to think about it because I am currently going through difficult times. I know that they do not have to stop me from dating and we have to do what is right for us, but it is difficult.
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Comments
Ruminating on situations that made you feel criticized and isolated must be quite upsetting and exhausting
I'm really glad you were able to post about it here though, you've always got this community to lean on and chat to about anything.
I can totally understand it's quite tricky striking a balance between dating and doing what's right for yourself, i think it's important to try not put too much pressure on yourself in these situations too
Sending lots of hugs!!
Hello @Matthew_04.
Thanks. I will try not to. How was I putting too much pressure on myself in the situation? I want to be aware of when I am. I did not think I was.
From your post, it sounded like when you didn't check your letterbox you immediately felt guilty about it. But its okay to forget things sometimes. It sounded like you were beating yourself up about it a little instead of treating yourself with compassion
How are you doing now?
Hello @Matthew_04.
I think it is because I was told to check my letterbox, which will make me think harder, and feel guilty when I forget to do it. I used to get punished at home when I forgot things.
Although I did not mention these experiences to you, I feel my feeling of guilt was not acknowledged, and I am being criticised for the emotion.
I have been feeling I should not acknowledge my feelings when I am being unkind to myself because we are meant to show self-compassion.
I have been doubtful about my feelings due to experiences of invalidation.
That makes sense, i understand why you'd feel guilty for forgetting things.
I'm sorry if i wasn't clear previously
I was not criticising you for feeling guilty but I can understand why you felt that way.
What I meant by compassion was to acknowledge how you are feeling and instead of ruminating about similar experiences, to accept the situation for what it is and try move on or improve for next time. As you mentioned ruminating I thought this might help but if I've misread the situation and that isn't helpful to you, that's okay.
You're always welcome to share how you feel here without judgement, apologies again if my response wasn't helpful.
Let me know how you get on
Hello @Matthew_04.
Apology accepted.
Okay. Thanks for the clarification.