Admitting defeat and getting back on track….

independent_

I admitted defeat today and asked to take more training for my helpline work after an extended period of time off. It’s defeat because I feel I should have been able to keep on top of things but I haven’t. I need to keep busy but at the same, I can’t get my brain to cooperate with me. It’s not full retraining it’s like a short course but it’s not what I wanted to have to do.

Sometimes are ok. Sometimes are really not. And sometimes I have a really, really bad feeling about a day and the memories/trauma/whatever of last year and what happened just take over my entire brain. Having nothing to do isn’t helping but the work I do requires not only brain power but empathy and that is bloody hard sometimes.

I don’t get too much in the way of encouragement because I don’t talk about things until they get really bad. And at the moment things aren’t bad but tomorrow could be another story entirely. I wish there was a part time job that would 1. Take me on and 2. That I could leave behind when i went home or signed off .. the first part is the hard part being disabled

I just think to myself for fuck’s sake woman pull yourself together. But what does that even mean when you have the life I have? Ah well, I can take this course and get back on some sort of schedule with that. I’m miles and miles behind on posts here too and messages. My brain is just buzzing around.

I’m going nowhere with this is just a rant but I needed to put it somewhere. I don’t wanna tell my family I’m having to do the course because they will then ask about it and a list of my extensive problems is not… not what they need.

amy02

Hey @independent_ thanks for sharing how you are with us, I hope getting things written down and out there helped somewhat. We will always be here to listen Regarding posts on here there's absolutely no rush to get back to things - take all the time you need to sort things through and there'll always be someone here when you get back.

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling a bit at the moment, it can be so tough to have so much going on and feeling like you're falling behind where you want to be. Perhaps the training course will be a good way to slowly get back into things? It definitely doesn't mean you've failed or been defeated - sometimes we all need a break and to reset It sounds like you're struggling to switch off after using so much brain power at work - do you have different hobbies or activities that you feel calm you down? Doing things absolutely unrelated could help relax your thoughts when it gets too much.

Remember we are here to listen and support you whenever you need