Stopping cocaine on my own

dyoverdx

This drug is consuming my life as I consume it. I’ve been off it for a long time, maybe a few months.
But my trigger is money. Once I get paid I’m on it. I normally give it to someone to manage, but take 1/3 of the money to buy it on drugs.
I’m scared of when I go to uni as I have more freedom and there are more opportunities to do it.
I was referred to a counselling service which I’m considering as I tried AA and CA and I didn’t like it. The main thing about them groups is that they let their addictions become their lives.
They go to meetings every week and I want to move on not “admitting I am powerless”. That’s wrong. It gets rid of responsibility. I know I’m breaking the law. I choose to have it.

I just want to stop forever. It’s hard because it make me forget about life’s problems for a while. I become everything I want to be. Confident and not give a f*ck. I can’t lie the high feel amazing.
I have replaced self harm to this.
The consequences of these behaviours are that my family are distancing themselves from me and staff thing in attention seeking and wasting time.


Anyone have any advice on what I could do?

I was doing so well and fuxked up. I feel like the it’s a cycle that will never go.

JustV

You're being very tough on yourself, @dyoverdx.

The thing with addiction is that the psychology of it destroys your ability to control your behaviour. It's a medical condition at the end of the day, and it warrants medical help - whether that's AA, CA, counselling, psychiatric intervention, rehab, or whatever kind of help suits you.

Society likes to push on us the idea that people who are addicted to something can simply make better choices or have more willpower. But that's just not the reality - if it were, people addicted to things would choose not to be addicted (because very few people want to be that way). And it's very easy to internalise that perspective when we start to struggle.

There's so much stigma around addiction that hurts our ability to help ourselves and help others, and I wonder if that's creeping into your thinking here when it comes to your own life.

I get that you want to move on from it rather than dwell, but it's difficult to treat a problem like this before you've sat with it to understand it. Once you understand it, it gets easier to treat, because you can target it at the source and make meaningful changes. The same is true for self-harm behaviour by the way - there's a reason people can't usually give that up without counselling.

If anything, seeking help IS the responsible thing, because you're getting the healthcare you need for a health problem, and you're following the medical advice (which is smart).

Trying out that counselling service you mentioned seems like a great move. The first step to overcoming addiction is to unpick the psychology of where it comes from for you, and therapists are great at that sort of stuff. From there you might find your next steps.

In the short-term, I'd encourage you to meet yourself where you are, not where you want to be. Show yourself some kindness and patience, and keep in mind that underneath all behaviour we exhibit is a need trying to be met (even if we don't know what that is).

I hope this isn't coming off as preachy - I don't mean to be - I just noticed you giving yourself a hard time over something that is medically understood to be very difficult to beat. Chemical dependency and addiction is no joke, and there are no prizes for doing this solo.