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Coming out as non binary
Former Member
MissPosts: 122 The Mix Convert
Hey guys I’m Elouise, they/them pronouns. During the last few months I’ve figured out I’m non binary. A few friends know, both my parents now know(inc my dad who I’ve come out to more recently but more on him later) and a small amount of other family members.
I told my dad over text on Easter as he lives further away, he has said anti non binary things in the past such as they them pronouns don’t exist but on other side this was also years ago. He can sometimes text something but say something else in person so I guess I’m anxious next we hang out he would say something opposing to the texts.
I then came out doing a GRWM on TikTok which has a few of my family members on.
I really want to come out fully but I don’t really know how to but I also do not want to rush it. I’m just a massive perfectionist and I just want to do everything right. I am pansexual asexual autistic and ADHD so my life already isn’t like many which has its pros and cons however I do acknowledge being non binary and being a different gender than assigned at birth is so different than just being asexual or just being pansexual for example.
How do I come out and how can I let being non binary let my life being more comfortable in myself?
I just want to be me but I am still figuring out who me is and it’s making me anxious honestly.
I told my dad over text on Easter as he lives further away, he has said anti non binary things in the past such as they them pronouns don’t exist but on other side this was also years ago. He can sometimes text something but say something else in person so I guess I’m anxious next we hang out he would say something opposing to the texts.
I then came out doing a GRWM on TikTok which has a few of my family members on.
I really want to come out fully but I don’t really know how to but I also do not want to rush it. I’m just a massive perfectionist and I just want to do everything right. I am pansexual asexual autistic and ADHD so my life already isn’t like many which has its pros and cons however I do acknowledge being non binary and being a different gender than assigned at birth is so different than just being asexual or just being pansexual for example.
How do I come out and how can I let being non binary let my life being more comfortable in myself?
I just want to be me but I am still figuring out who me is and it’s making me anxious honestly.
6
Comments
It must have taken a lot of courage to come our to your parents and family members, especially when you weren't sure on how your dad was going to react. It's nerve-wracking when someone you care about might not be on board. Advocating for your identity can be really exhausting but please remember you can always remind your dad that your pronouns are they/them and that your identity is valid. This shouldn't all fall on you though, so do you feel like you have a community you can lean on to help with that self-advocacy?
I am going to signpost you to some other LGBT+ resources which might be helpful to have a read of:
Mermaids is a also a charity who support young people up to 20- HERE is a link to some resources which I think you might find helpful
From what I'm hearing, you're approaching this perfectly by taking things at your own pace. There's no right or wrong way to come out, and it's okay if it's a gradual process.
As for how to come out fully, that's entirely up to you. Maybe write down your thoughts and feelings, or practice what you want to say. You could even come out to a trusted friend or family member for extra support when you might want to tell other people?
Remember, you don't have to explain everything at once. Just focus on sharing your truth, however feels most comfortable. We are always here to listen so please reach out any time
Nice now can actually reply lol
I have a lot of lgbtq friends and my mum is probably my biggest supporter but I don’t know if that would count as a community or if they could help with self advocacy
I’ll have a look at not a phrase sounds good
A lot of my family don’t live where I do so I know most my coming out will probs be online but I don’t want anyone to see me different like I’m still same name and personality and all that so it’s really hard because I feel it’s so much harder than when I came out as pan for example
Guess idrk how share my truth
@ella
Absolutely, your LGBTQ+ friends and your mum can be a huge part of your community, I am so happy you have a safe space there. Having a supportive group of people who understand what you're going through can be a big help, and they can absolutely offer advice and encouragement as you navigate self-advocacy, as well as just being a safe place to land when things get too much
I hear you about wanting to be seen for who you are, and it's completely valid to worry that people might see you differently after you come out. The important thing to remember is that nobody has the right to take your identity away from you and it's okay to set boundaries with your loved ones about your gender identity. This can be really hard to do, but it can be a very important part of coming out and accepting ourselves.
Coming out is a very personal journey, and there's no right or wrong way to do it. If you feel comfortable coming out online first, that's a great place to start and you should be very proud of yourself. There are also lots of resources available to help you figure out how to come out to the people in your life. Here is another article I found about this:
How does this sound? I want reiterate that The Mix will always be a safe environment for you to lean on as you go through this journey, so please do keep us updated on how you get on
Ooo ye gendered intelligence sounds decent I’ll make sure to also look into it
Thanks ill look into those links
Thank you that’s really appreciated I will do
I kind of want to change my style but my mum wants my hair keep growing until her wedding in oct(im her maid of honor or dishonor as she’s calling it🤣) so I can’t shave my hair yet even tho I really wanna. It’s blue which I like but it’s also hard for me get new clothes since can’t find much for cheap and I don’t have a job at moment. Any ideas on how present more adroganous (again am shit at spelling so sorry abt that, basically looking more gender neutral)? I wanna present more adroganous but I don’t really know how
Also I was wondering if you’d have any advice on toliets? A lot of gender neutral ones tend be locked since their also disabled toliets but I’m still trying to not beat myself up for using them, even tho there’s probably people who need to use it more. I just feel kinda uncomfortable using the female ones so I don’t really know what to do. Is fine if you dk for that one I just don’t really know who to ask
It’s more while most places have them, their locked and I’d need to buy the disabled loo key which I can’t afford rn as don’t have a job
Oo didn’t know they can provide for free. I have a connection with in the council so I might ask her. Thank you. What are the websites please
- Disability Rights UK
- Blue Badge Co
- National Disability Card UK
Hope this helps! Please do not hesitate to let us know if you have any further questions or if we can do anything else to support you with this
The bladder and bowel community have a just can’t wait card, which can help in aiding shops in asking if they have a toilet you can use
https://amzn.eu/d/8XgLpro
https://amzn.eu/d/7c2LOk4
Unfortunately a lot of places do lock them now because of the trashed and often the equipment in them can be expensive to replace
Fellow nonbinary person here!
I'm very proud of you for having the courage to explore your identity and start the coming out process. I know it can be super daunting.
Firstly I would just like to echo what @ella said: there is no rush on coming out, this is your identity, your family, your timeline. There is no right or wrong way to do things.
It's completely understandable that trying to figure out who you are is making you anxious. There is so much importance placed on someone's gender and in some places there is still a huge stigma around being trans or nonbinary. It's really important to give yourself credit for how far you've come and how brave you are.
I've linked a website about exploring your gender identity that you might find helpful, it has advice on discovering your style and finding community.
Whilst transitioning socially and medically is helpful for some nonbinary people, it isn't right for everyone. Some people choose to only change their pronouns or name, others just label themselves as nonbinary but keep she/her or he/him pronouns. All nonbinary identities are valid, there is no wrong way to transition whether that's socially, medically or not at all. It's all about what makes you most comfortable in your own skin.
It can be super difficult when you can't present how you want to. You mentioned you're not able to shave your hair right now, do you think getting a shorter haircut without shaving your hair would be helpful for you? Perhaps a haircut that could still be styled whilst maybe making you feel a little better like a short bob or even an undercut if it would make you feel more comfortable?
A lot of trans and nonbinary folks (myself included) can relate to finding it difficult to buy clothes that make us feel more comfortable or even knowing what style of clothes would make us feel better. What i found quite helpful when discovering my identity was creating a Pinterest board dedicated to clothing, hairstyles and makeup I'd want to try some day. It can be helpful to ask for clothes vouchers for birthdays and Christmases to allow you the option to buy things that would make you feel more comfortable. I also follow a wide range of trans and nonbinary influencers on social media as i find that seeing representation online helps me feel more comfortable about being nonbinary, I'm wondering if this might be helpful for you too?
It can also be quite helpful to see if there is an lgbt group in your local area or attend an even during pride month if it is available to you. Whilst these situations can be pretty scary to face alone, you mentioned having lgbtq friends, perhaps you could talk to them about coming along to a group with you?
Hey just wanted say thank you for taking time for such a in-depth response. I will reply accordingly
I understand not being a rush but if I’m quicker with it I can talk about it more which I want to do, I also want to get a mini non binary flag so just little things like that make me want to come out faster than I currently am
Thanks I’ll look at it
I get that but it’s when that’s all services seem interested in which bothers me as I want support with it all but I don’t want to be rushed into transitioning
I don’t think I can just because my mum wants my hair be long for her wedding in October as I’m maid of honor
I already look on social media and get vouchers
There’s not really much info on any near me right now
Hey, sorry this is a late reply!! I’ve used apps called qmee and eureka before and they’re quite good (mainly qmee)