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My biggest dream
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,061 Boards Champion
Hello. I've been feeling extremely sad over the past couple of days (I totally didn't cry yesterday). I've been spending a lot of time rethinking my life and its consistently making me more and more sad. Its so empty and hollow, feels so meaningless.
The more I leave the house, the worse I feel. Seeing so many people around makes me feel so lonely. All these people, laughing and having fun with their friends. All these communities, full of people who care for each other, understand each other, have each other's backs.
And then there's me. Either by myself, or with family; who I love with all my heart, but its just so boring with them at this point. My family arent the best people to spend time with, but I don't have anyone else.
I just talked on discord with someone from a uni society who mentioned he made a friend at the start of some random film night during his first week of uni! LIKE HOW?? Why do people make it seem like making friends is just a walk in the park (sometimes literally)... Like they just see another person and *bam* they're friends! While I'm here struggling to say even a word to the person sitting directly next to me
I feel like such a horrible person because of this. It hurts so bad. I wish that I at least wasn't so jealous of everyone. Out of all the things that could possibly trigger me, I didn't expect it to be seeing people on the streets enjoying themselves...
I have a dream, my biggest dream for now, which I know is impossible. Now this may sound stupid but my dream is to go to university all over again - just with a better attitude this time and less 'stuck-in-my-own-head' mental health crap. Be open to people, join societies and sports clubs. Be actually motivated to do the work.
Right now I'm literally joining societies during my last semester, like what is even the point
Vent over. I have an important post to write that I'm planning to write for over two months now lol, I just don't have the energy for it now so will probably do it tomorrow. I'm just mentioning it cause it might relate a bit to this.
Thanks for reading. Hugs
The more I leave the house, the worse I feel. Seeing so many people around makes me feel so lonely. All these people, laughing and having fun with their friends. All these communities, full of people who care for each other, understand each other, have each other's backs.
And then there's me. Either by myself, or with family; who I love with all my heart, but its just so boring with them at this point. My family arent the best people to spend time with, but I don't have anyone else.
I just talked on discord with someone from a uni society who mentioned he made a friend at the start of some random film night during his first week of uni! LIKE HOW?? Why do people make it seem like making friends is just a walk in the park (sometimes literally)... Like they just see another person and *bam* they're friends! While I'm here struggling to say even a word to the person sitting directly next to me
I feel like such a horrible person because of this. It hurts so bad. I wish that I at least wasn't so jealous of everyone. Out of all the things that could possibly trigger me, I didn't expect it to be seeing people on the streets enjoying themselves...
I have a dream, my biggest dream for now, which I know is impossible. Now this may sound stupid but my dream is to go to university all over again - just with a better attitude this time and less 'stuck-in-my-own-head' mental health crap. Be open to people, join societies and sports clubs. Be actually motivated to do the work.
Right now I'm literally joining societies during my last semester, like what is even the point
Vent over. I have an important post to write that I'm planning to write for over two months now lol, I just don't have the energy for it now so will probably do it tomorrow. I'm just mentioning it cause it might relate a bit to this.
Thanks for reading. Hugs
Believe in me - who believes in you
5
Comments
It's weird because lately I've been feeling like my life is kind of empty and hollow too despite the fact our lives are so different. I guess it isn't about how our lives are actually going as much as it's about our outlook. I know it isn't really easy to just 'change your outlook on life' lol but I've been trying this new thing in 2024 which I think might help you too. I've got this little diary thingy and I just use it to write three positive things about my day or about my life that I've been thinking about during that day. Even if they're tiny things like me winning the kahoot in sociology today (yay!!) it just helps me feel a little bit less like everything is shit.
Another thing is, and I know you already know this and I'm stating the obvious but I just thoughtI'd remind you, not everyone you see laughing and having fun with their friends is actually happy. When I'm at school I spend most of my time laughing with my friends even when I feel like total shit. Please remember that. I also do this, i spend so much time watching other people and being jealous so i know it's easier said than done lol but yeah. I have a lot of 'friends' but if I'm honest I'd rather be in your position than have surface level friends who only speak to me and care about me ebcause they feel like they have to. Having said that, you won't be lonely forever. You'll find some incredibek friends someday, don't ask me where or how or when because idk lol but for the billionthhh time i promise you will.
Sorry I feel like I'm waffling now lol. But you're not a horrible person at all. Soooooo many people get triggered by literally just seeing other people happy. It sounds bad but I really understand the struggle. I think I've recommended u this song before but i cant remember so i'l mention it again lol, listen to people watching by conan gray!
Finally, your biggest dream does not sound stupid at all. but please don't be too hard on yourself. If I was telling you all of this you wouldn't say to me 'xee come on, no more of this mental health crap just be open and be motivated'. what would you say to me or to someone else on here? or to your family, your loved ones? treat yourself wirth the same kindness u give to others. have u tried some self care things?
My waffley response is finally over!! I hope it made sense lol, again i want to send u lots of hugs!!
I can relate so much to feeling lonely when I see people who seem so happy with their friends. That’s how sixth form felt for me lol.
I know it’s not the same, but you have us! You’re part of this community and we care about you.
If you’re a horrible person for being jealous of people you see having friends, then I am too 🤣
Seriously though, I don’t think it makes you horrible - having friends and stuff isn’t exactly a lot to want.
I know you have regrets about your time at uni but it’s not like your life is over once you finish. I dont know how you’d go about it (because I haven’t got to that stage in life yet) but there will be other ways to make friends. I expect there will be plenty of people in your position or similar. It’s not the end of the world.
I wish I could actually help you!
Sending big hugs 🧡
I totally get this feeling of almost like watching the world through a hazed, glass window, almost like a world just out of reach, so I really sympathise with you here as it's devastating every time.
I really hear your frustration, it's really difficult to see others seemingly make friends quite easily if you struggle to. I don't really have much advice as I'm not brilliant at socialising myself, but I've found even if it's just to ease the pressure of myself, not to try so hard, as I found it stressful and exhausting and it seemed to drive people away. Take things one step at a time, and only when you feel comfortable to.
I wouldn't say your dream is impossible, if you really wanted to, you could start university again, but I'm assuming you would have to talk to your university and lecturers about it. It just depends what you really want to do. It sounds like you're wanting a blank slate, which can be really difficult in the midst of an academic year. Do you think a completely fresh start might help, or is it just the idea of being able to start again without anyone having potentially pre-conceived notions about you?
It's definitely not too late, and in my opinion I try to treat every day like a blank slate where possible, but I get why this can be difficult.
I hope things get better for you, you're doing really well at the minute, even if it might not feel like it
Life can be so beautiful because any new thing could happen any day that could totally change your life for the better.
Making new friends can be such a challenge and it can be difficult for those who make it look easy. Sometimes meeting new people can be awkward, forced or cringe but I just wanted to remind you that so many people feel this way. You are not alone.
Joining societies is such a great way of meeting new people and adding something new and exciting to your life. I would also like to say that socialising can be scary like you have described so don't be so harsh on yourself if you don't feel like doing it one day. Take each day as it comes. Celebrate the smallest of wins and be so kind to yourself when it doesn't always go to plan. You need to be your own best friend too!
@Xee
I appreciate your support, but I don't think theres anything you can do lol. Which is one of the reasons I feel so stupid, cause I keep rambling on and on about the same things again and again, as if there was some perfect solution to all of my problems that I haven't been told yet, which I know damn well there isnt. As if I'm talking for the sake of talking. Ugh.
I try my best to acknowledge everything positive in my life, but this is still kinda hard to do when everything feel so bad all the time.
Err... okay? Thats pretty easy if you ask me, just cut everyone off and be by yourself 🤷
-_- I refuse to believe you forgot you recommended me this song.
I'm so sorry but this made me laugh xD it came out of nowhere. Admittedly my self care hasn't been too great, but I do try my best to treat myself with kindness, cause I do deserve it and I know that now. I'm just more upset at how the world treats me, but its stupid cause I know others have it much much worse.
@AnonymousToe
Aw thank you! I know
Nooo, we're all horrible
I know, everyone says that, but I don't know why I still feel like my life will be over by the end of uni lol. I guess because I have no clue what to do after? Theres so many paths I could take, so many doors I could open, but I hate the sound of all of them. And I'm mostly just confused with all these options, I genuinely don't know what I'm gonna do after uni, nor what opportunities I can get. Its kind of scary in a way.
@lunarcat522
This makes sense. But as I mentioned above, I keep feeling like I have to make the most of every opportunity right now, cause I never know what opportunities I'll get later (if any). So I end up putting a ton of pressure on myself. But yes, I will defo work on this.
Not 100% sure what you mean by the second one, but I think I actually mean a completely fresh start. Now that I know better, I know I could actually make the most of university if I had another go. But without actually going back in time its not going to be the same. Situations will be different, people will be different, the course will be different, etc.
@ameliaJayne
Its nice to know I'm not alone. But here comes a problem, if someone is struggling with social connection just like me, then I won't talk to them because I'm terrified, and they also won't talk to me...
In a way it feels like the only way for me to meet people is through the internet. But I don't know how to feel about that
Yes, I understand. In the end, I will always be my own best friend :)
Thank you so so much you all, I appreciate it a lot! And sorry for such a long and messy response but I just always have something to say haha. Big hugs 🧡
You’re not stupid or weird, we’re not judging you as much as you’re judging yourself (but I know that’s soooo hard to believe sometimes). Take a break if you need to, but we’re here for you and you can keep talking to us.🧡
It’s sad to see how you’re just blaming yourself for all your struggles - you’re allowed to ask for help!
I’m sorry I can’t really help you with plans for after uni - it’s so daunting to think about though, I expect it’s fairly common for this point in your life to feel a bit strange. I dont know, I haven’t got there yet lol. But you could always just take a year out after uni to think things through? Like there’s no rush to decide anything, and you can always change your mind.
I know you have regrets about uni but you can use them to your advantage in whatever you do next. Don’t beat yourself up over not doing things in the best possible way. Think about all the things you’ve done and achieved throughout your time at university!
You’re not talking too much either. Take care of yourself and big hugs🧡