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I think need more medication

Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,789 Community Veteran
This has always been on my mind as of lately, I just feel like I need medicating to sort myself out properly. Im not a good person at all at the moment and maybe going back on medication will make me a better person around people. I won't be stressing anyone out, stressing my family out, friends, bothering anyone because hopefully I will be medicated enough that I don't function anymore, that would be nice. Not to think anymore, not doing stupid impulsive things, making mistakes. It doesn't help that I stress out a family member who currently struggling with their vision and sight at the moment, I was struggling with a work related task and they just shouted at me. I know they apologised but I cause so much pain to my family maybe it's time to leave. I am currently on fluoxetine, I take one daily and it does help me and my anxiety sometimes. However, because of the fluoxetine making me feel more positive in myself, I just feel like it makes me more hyper and I make misteakes. I changed my password in work (I had to change it because it was going to be changed anyways this month) and I then coulden't log on. so I ask my dad for some advice because I like to tell my parents how my day normally goes and he just lost it and shouted. However, the problem got sorted / is getting sorted today (the issue occured today when I got shouted at). He apologised because he is not well but I just feel like I bother people. Maybe if I wasnt in their life things would be easier. It would be nice to not be there sometimes. Its why I am considering going back on ADHD medication because I hate myself and I need to be fixed. I now know that I need to take things slowly and think before I do an action so I don't cause problems or upsets. I need to be less impulsive. Is there a way of being less impulsive that works because I really need to change who I am. I don't want to be me anymore. Sorry for this post if anyone is reading it its another stupid silly rant of mine.
Just a person who likes pop culture and films
lunarcat522AnonymousToetoffuna101

Comments

  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,789 Community Veteran
    I just feel like there might be something wrong with me today and I don't know why. I wish I didn't have to have ADHD then life might be better. I sometimes wish that my parents opted to get rid of me personally if that was a choice because sometimes I feel like they would be better without having to worry about me.
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
    lunarcat522AnonymousToetoffuna101
  • ameliaJayneameliaJayne Moderator Posts: 37 Boards Initiate
    Hi @Amy22 !
    This post is definitely not silly and you don't need to apologise. This is exactly what The Mix is here for!

    I'm really sorry that you have been feeling rubbish.
    You are definitely not a bad person. It sounds like you really care about those around you which is a wonderful, good trait to have. Everyone makes mistakes in life and making them doesn't make you a bad person. It is normal for people to sometimes shout if they are stressed so please try not to take it to heart when a family member or friend shouts at you. It doesn't mean they love you any less. You are wanted.

    You don't need to change who you are as a person. You sound extremely kind, caring and considerate and like a great friend and daughter. You shouldn't have to feel so down. We must take of our mental health as much as we do our physical and there are lots of things you can do to help with this.

    If you feel that you want to change your medication then maybe you should speak to your gp about this! Medication can be really helpful with these sorts of issues and it sounds like you know this from your positive experiences with fluoxetine. Have you also tried speaking to a family member or friend about how you are feeling? Maybe hearing some reassurance from them would help remind you how loved you are.

    Let me know what you think about these suggestions and we can come up with a plan that suits you!
    Amy22toffuna101
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,789 Community Veteran
    Thank you @ameliaJayne I know I shoulden't be taking people's anger to heart but it is so hard you know to try not to. It is easier for me to cry sometimes as I rarely find it hard to cry. Maybe the shouting helps me to cry. Sometimes i feel like there is something wrong with me because I want to cry but can't find reason. I get annyoed with myself and that is why I cry. maybe I need to try to understand my family members perspective instead of my own. I can be so selfish sometimes. Its easier for someone to shout i think to actually sit down and explain that they are not feeling good. Thats the thing with people, they rather shout and take anger on out on their loved ones instead of rationally thinking about it.
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
    AnonymousToetoffuna101
  • independent_independent_ Community Champion Posts: 8,585 Legendary Poster
    Really sorry to read you’re feeling this way. It’s really hard isn’t it, the impulsive thing I get that and I’ve been there myself.

    It’s definitely worth having a chat with your GP about medication. They may be able to increase the ones your on or give you new ones that might help <3
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
    Amy22
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,789 Community Veteran
    Thank you @independent_ I might the next time I book in for my annual medication review which I normally 6 months roughly. So not long now until I do book in. I hate the fact though I am impulsive and I regreat most of the time the decisions I make.
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • yanayana Community Champion Posts: 1,266 Wise Owl
    hey @Amy22 first of all i wanna send u big huggies <3 obviously idk u irl lol but we've been friends on here for a while and i know you're a fantastic person and u seem like someone I'd love to be friends with irl. I know your friends and family must really value u and I'm sure none of them see you as a bad person. I understand though that sometimes mental illnesses can turn us into shitty people and it's great you've acknowledged that but please don't be too hard on yourself. this rant wasn't silly and stupid at all!

    I'm on fluoxetine as well and omg it defo makes me more hyper, it's like it just bumps my ADHD up a notch which is suuper annoying. as @ameliaJayne said, speaking to ur gp may be helpful :)

    I also just want to reassure you and say that I'm sure noen of your family think that their life would be easier without you. I've felt a similar way about my sister, and our relationship has totally fallen apart which hurts so bad because she has always been my best best friend. She treats me like total shit and shouts at me all the time and I wonder why she saves all her shit for her loved ones, like you said. I guess it's because people don't really feel like they're able to let their frstration out truly at work/school/with friends so they show that side of them when they're around the people they're most comfortable with. I know it isn't an excuse but it's proof of the fact they do value you and I'm sure they'd want to support you, maybe they just don't know how. Idk if any of that made sense or if I'm just waffling lol.

    last thing i wanted to say: i understand your crying situation sooo much!! not so much anymore, but before i started my meds I used to jsut NEVER be able to cry. I'd be so upset and frustrated and hurt and I'd curl up in a ball and squeeze my eyes shut but there were never ever any actual tears and it just made me feel even worse. there isn't anything wrong with you. or if there is, them it's wrong with me too xD we can be messed up together lol. something that helped me get some frustration out when i couldn't cry was just scribbling, it might sound stupid but i'd press so hard i'd snap the nib and rib the paper up and sometimes it really helped me so maybe that's something u could try? :)

    again, i just wanna say i'm here anytime u want to talk or anything :blush:
    my brain is not braining the way brains are meant to brain
    Amy22toffuna101
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 833 Part of The Mix Family
    @Amy22 I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling like this. Everyone makes mistakes, and that doesn’t mean people would be better off without you! I’m not sure what advice to give you but it’s sad to see how negatively you see yourself. You’re a lovely member of this community!!
    Amy22toffuna101
  • lunarcat522lunarcat522 Posts: 324 The Mix Regular
    @Amy22 So sorry to hear you're struggling <3

    For the record I absolutely agree with @AnonymousToe you're such a kind and brilliant member of this community and we're very lucky to have you on the boards!

    I just want to share a bit of perspective - you're definitely not a bad person; the way I personally think about it is that there's no 'good' or 'bad' people as I don't believe you can be inherently good or bad for the most part, there are only 'good' and 'bad' actions. However these actions don't always reflect on the person. We all make mistakes in life and it's part of the learning process so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself, we all think so positively of you on here.

    Also you're never bothering anyone on here, so just know you can always pop a message on the boards and we'll be happy to support and listen to you on here
    Amy22 wrote: »
    hopefully I will be medicated enough that I don't function anymore, that would be nice. Not to think anymore, not doing stupid impulsive things, making mistakes.

    I used to think like this a lot too, and admittedly sometimes still do, but I would do what feels right for you, rather than what you think might be right for others. Is there a reason you want to be medicated to the point of not functioning? It might be worth having a chat about this with your GP as usually medication tends to be something to help people out a bit on "returning to baseline" so they have a clearer head and are in a better mental and emotional space to be able to carry out daily living and tasks. When quite high dosages of medication are used it tends to be for individuals at a high risk to themselves or others, where this priority to mediate the risk proceeds the effects of numbness and inability to function
    Amy22 wrote: »
    I am currently on fluoxetine, I take one daily and it does help me and my anxiety sometimes. However, because of the fluoxetine making me feel more positive in myself, I just feel like it makes me more hyper and I make misteakes.

    I would definitely feed this back to the GP as well if you feel able to as the more information they have on your current experiences with this type of medication, the more they could help to find a better fit or dosage if you want that.
    Amy22 wrote: »
    I am considering going back on ADHD medication because I hate myself and I need to be fixed. I now know that I need to take things slowly and think before I do an action so I don't cause problems or upsets. I need to be less impulsive. Is there a way of being less impulsive that works because I really need to change who I am. I don't want to be me anymore.

    You definitely don't need to be "fixed" or change who you are but I hear your frustration with your current situation and your want to try to improve things for yourself, and there's nothing wrong with that. It's great that you've identified what is working, and what isn't and what could be improved and potential solutions, so this is a really good starting point. As much as it might feel like it, you're not responsible for other people's feelings and emotions and sometimes it might not be personal. It's very easy to assume that it's immediately a personal issue others have with us when they express negative emotions such as anger/frustration/upset. However this isn't always the case, I've found a lot of the time for many people including myself that what on the surface presents as anger and irritation may be a manifestation of underlying stress and or anxiety.

    I would definitely mention to your GP about your struggle with impulsivity. Impulsivity can be a good thing, in moderation, but if it is particularly prevalent then you might need additional support and strategies to help with this. I'm not sure what impulses look like for you but I saw a video online of someone sharing that she has a google doc that she shares with her partner to help her when she's experiencing symptoms of poor mental health, one of which being impulsivity. She struggled with impulse buying so she put no impulse buying when she's struggling with her mental health and her partner would add questions to the document such as "what does this look like" and "no impulse buying at all, or supervision". She elaborated on this to say that they agreed a spending limit so that she could channel the impulsivity but in a manageable way.

    If you're really struggling you could ask your GP for an early review of your medication and I'm sure they'd be happy to facilitate this if you need it

    I hope this helps <3
    Amy22toffuna101
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,789 Community Veteran
    Thank you so much for your kind responses, I feel much better now about things. It just been like a thing in my head for a while that maybe it's time to go back on ADHD medication. I might give a bit more context about why I feel the need to. So when I was younger after my early diagnosis of ASD, they also diagnosed with ADHD as well and prescribed me ADHD medication at the age of around six, seven years old ish (I was quite young). They were supposed to calm me down in a while because I struggled with sleep a lot which I still do struggle with mostly, and impulse actions. However, my ADHD medication had side effects and would make me stop eating to the point I got ill because I wasn't eating the right amount of foods. Therefore, my parents had to ask for me to be taken off the meds and afterwards I started to be able to eat foods again properly. Now I am an adult I just feel like things are harder me to complete or do. Like I can't focus on a task for too long etc. I hate it a lot not being able to focus properly. Im just worried if I go back on meds the same issue I had with my appeitie and personality will happen again (I lost all of my personality and I was very quiet and sad sometimes). However, I will mention this to my GP and consider my options.

    @Xee I can also relate to the tears/crying because I find it so hard to get emotional sometimes unless im anxious or if im shouted at or I am annoyed with myself. even if like noises are too loud I can get emotional. But Lately I havent felt the need to feel emotional. Normally around my monthly I can get slightly upset but idk how to describe my feelings really.

    Thanks though for the support I really appreciate it and im always here too if you need support as well <3.
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
    yanalunarcat522amy02toffuna101
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