No space for me?!

David

My mother has never cared about me much & for as long as I can remember typically treats me like an unwanted stranger who barged his way into her life, pretending to be her son. I know that I am her son & that she & my father planned me, so I'm baffled at her unjustified, hostile attitude towards me. The closest I've discovered to an explanation is that since shortly after I was born, my father treated her worse, so she has scapegoated me for his wrongdoing. She has always prioritised many people over me, sometimes 'justifying' doing so by telling me that they've been in her life for longer than I have. It's even worse since she told me: "I've made new friends; I don't have space for you in my life any more!" She has plenty of space in her life for many friends (she has greatly increased her number of friends since I was in my early teens), many relatives, hobbies, holidays etc. - but not me. She's never had or wanted a career; there's nothing that needs to take up loads of her time. She has a lot of free time, but chooses to exclude me.

Could there be a way forward regarding her? I'm not expecting great improvements, but is there a way to encourage her to care about me & want me in her life? I don't know anyone who is willing & able to be a middleman in any such conversation, so I don't know where to start.

She lives alone & is a proudly celibate, religious prude, so she certainly doesn't have a lover. According to her, any sex that isn't between a husband & wife, in bed, in private, is deviant. She is frequently outraged at people "breaking god's rules" by cohabiting, saying it'll destroy society & acts shocked by it as though it's new & rare.

My father is also awful, but he has no-one else in his life, so I feel obliged to care about him, even though he has never cared much about me.

Having an awful family means I feel much worse at Christmas & on Mothers' Day, Fathers' Day & my birthday. It's even more apparent then than it usually is that millions of people have close, supportive, loving families. I'm pleased for those lucky millions, but resent that many people - including me - never had that.

sputnik

Hi @David ,

I'm really sorry, that sounds seriously painful to deal with and like it must have impacted on you a lot - am guessing you were an only child? I can't imagine being treated like that by my own mother, whatever her reasons that is neglectful and cruel. Have you attempted any kind of conversation with her so far about how you feel, and do you think it might be possible to try? I guess it would need very careful handling, as people tend to close down and get defensive if they feel they're being blamed, but phrasing things in a 'I feel this way when you do this' way rather than a 'you make me feel this way', can help, as it is just stating a fact rather than putting all responsibility onto them, if that makes sense, and so is less confrontational. It makes sense that your father's treatment of your mother affected her a lot, and therefore affected you a lot. I'm so sorry you haven't had a good relationship with your parents, it's their fault and not yours. You don't deserve to be treated that way.
I don't suppose your mother or father would be receptive to the idea of family therapy? I'm guessing probably not but still, if you could persuade them it might prove really useful, as you'd have that impartial and empathetic third-party who can help you navigate stuff. And if not family therapy (or as well as,) do you or have you had any one-to-one therapy at all?

yana

heya @David i just wanna send hugs because it must be really tough to look at other families and be envious because you don't have that. maybe not in the same situation, but i have definitely had my fair share of being envious of others and i know it can have a really shit impact on u especially when it's with something like family. as sputnik said, u dont deserve that. everyone deserves a loving family.

one of my fav quotes is 'friends are family you choose' so im wondering if u have any friends u can turn to? my friends have been my rock. maybe the loving family u deserve csn be friends? if not, the mix community is here for u until u find those special people

David

No, I have an elder brother whom my mother & her side of the family have always regarded as a perfect prince, even though he has never been anything of the sort. My father treated my mother worse since I was born. He didn't do likewise when my brother was born, so it's only me who is scapegoated. Another reason my brother has been massively favoured all my life is that I look like my father whereas he looks like my mother's male blood relatives. We're definitely full brothers & have the same surname, but he's widely welcomed as our mother's son whereas I'm widely viewed with contempt as our father's son. When I was growing up, my brother always received far more birthday & Christmas presents, of far greater value, than I did.

There's no chance of either of my parents talking part in family therapy. They're both stubbornly stuck in their ways & think they're always right. They wouldn't acknowledge any of their faults, let alone try to correct or improve anything about themselves. They hate & resent each other; putting them in a room together would magnify that.

I saw a counsellor on my own, but doing so was worse than useless because she didn't let me say much. She habitually interrupted me to complain about her own problems, saying that mine were petty compared to hers. I didn't ask her anything about her life; she shouldn't have told me about her problems at all, especially as they were unrelated to mine.

None of my friendships are close; I can't form a substitute family out of them.

AnonymousToe

@David im so sorry you’ve experienced that. Also just wanted to say that counsellor you had wasn’t a very good one if she was complaining about her own problems! You could potentially try counselling again and hope to have someone better at their job? But your problems are not petty, they matter to you and that’s what’s important

yana

@David as @AnonymousToe said, that counsellor was a shit one. i usually try to be considerate because it must be a tough job but talking about her own issues is just straight up wrong. i think a new one could definitely benefit you. i had two therapists before i found the third one who actually helped.

the way your parents treat you in comparison to your brother is horrendous, you dont deserve that at all how's your relationship with your brother though? is he understandinf of your situation at all?

David

I'm not saying that the awful counsellor I saw was typical or average. She shouldn't have been in her job & I don't know why she chose to be. She was the counsellor of the college that I was a student of at the time.

None of my family have ever cared about me much. My brother has always hated & resented me just for being born. Despite having received far more from my mother & her side of the family than I have, that's not enough for his liking. He has always wanted my mother to himself.

sputnik

@David that really is awful that your brother has always been favoured over you, that's blatant abuse on the part of your parents and just wrong. I would imagine you feel pretty abandoned? Even if your parents were there physically, it sounds like emotionally they were unavailable and unloving. I agree that the counselor you saw was terrible, and shouldn't have been in that job! If you're able to access therapy of some sort that could be really helpful, as a good therapist could help support you and provide unconditional empathy, as well as someone to talk to and reflect on things with, etc (in some ways it can be like a re-parenting). Or there's also group therapy, or things like talk clubs - my dad goes to a talk club for men once a week where they take it in turns to speak about what's going on for them, and people don't reply to each other, they just listen.

Btw re the family therapy, I wasn't thinking so much that both your parents would be there together, more that one or the other of them would - but yeah I can see that it would probably be very difficult, if not impossible, to encourage them

I don't know if this is useful but I find videos by Anna Runkle on Youtube really informative regarding how you were treated as a child affecting how you function as an adult, she mainly talks about things through the lens of C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder, which is different from PTSD in that it's brought about by repeated, often more covertly traumatic events over a period of time, especially in childhood), but even if you don't think you have C-PTSD it can be really useful anyway, here's a link to one that's related to this subject.

David

This is the first I've heard of talk clubs. If no-one replies, what's the goal?

sputnik

Sometimes people don't necessarily want advice or discussion about how they feel, they just want to be heard/listened to. Plus getting thoughts/feelings out instead of stuck in one's head is important. I think talk clubs like that one (there may be ones where people do respond to each other, I don't know) are about people feeling less alone through hearing other people's stories as well as sharing your own, and it's a place to offload as well. I can ask my Dad more about it if it would be useful.

sputnik

P.s. I found the link to the Talk Clubs' website, looks like they offer various different kinds of support: https://talkclub.org/