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RiverRiver Community Champion Posts: 777 Part of The Mix Family
People hurt me and leave me and use me and expect me to still be alright. I say im alright, I say im fine but deep down im holding every last inch of me together. Deep inside is a flood waiting to happen, the leaks before it bursts are what keeps it together. I cant cry anymore, I dont know how to, I punish myself for feeling how I do and I know others would to. I'm gonna break and I'm gonna burst but who cares anymore.

I've been hurt enough to know no one truly cares about me, the constant " I cares" I pretend to belive for there sake. Im gonna be hurt again by people, ive accepted that. I have to protect myself, one more trust break, one more heart pain and im gone, Ill shatter like a window being smashed and there be no going back, I'll have lost every last bit of me in a flash.

How do I know who truly cares and who isn't lying, I want to believe everyone that "cares" but deep down my tummy boils away and my throat knots knowing it probably fake. Most things said to me are fake unless there trying to break me.....

The tears im holding in are trying to come out whilst writing this, I cant let it. I cant cry, im not allowed to. I deserve every bad feeling and pain I get, it's just a punishment. I cant cry the pain away anymore, ive got to face the punishments.

I've been punished in various ways my whole life, people punish me and I punish myself, its my life, its my normal. I shout at myself to stop being pathetic. My heads a mess but I deserve it
Slowly healing n finding the real me 🥲


  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 The Mix Regular
    The user and all related content has been deleted.
  • amy02amy02 Moderator Posts: 74 Budding Regular
    Hey @River thank you for sharing this vent with us, it's always good to get feelings written down. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment, I can't imagine how painful it must be <3 You are absolutely not pathetic and are so deserving of love from others. I encourage you to let your feelings out like you bravely have with us. No one should have to suffer alone. Remember we are always here for you <3
  • RiverRiver Community Champion Posts: 777 Part of The Mix Family
    edited January 1
    Thank you @faolan and @amy02

    Feel so crap today but I give up with trying to get help and heal it'll never happen
    Slowly healing n finding the real me 🥲
    Past UserAnonymousToeAmy22
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,797 Community Veteran
    I get it with the trying to reach out for help especially when the help you want doesn't get given or you don't feel like you deserve the help. But you deserve all the support and help that you need to get back on the right track. The healing process can be one of the hardest things to ever go through, especially if you feel like you never heal over time. Maybe we don't heal but we learn how to cope with our situations and put in strategies to help ourselves. I hope you are okay, and always remember I am here if you need someone anytime <3. My dm's are always open. (had to edit this)
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • RiverRiver Community Champion Posts: 777 Part of The Mix Family
    I cant bother people, easier bottling it up
    Slowly healing n finding the real me 🥲
  • AnonymousToeAnonymousToe Posts: 845 Part of The Mix Family
    We want you to be okay @River , I hate to think that you’re struggling in silence :heart:
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 3,797 Community Veteran
    I get that @River I also bottle up emotions too sometimes. Thats something Im still learning to do more, is talking about feelings. It can be hard not wanting to bother people with your emotions and feelings but sometimes if we bottle up all of our emotions it can make us feel more overwhelmed and anxious about what we were feeling about. I think of it like a bottle of pop and the emotions are inside, if you keep shaking the bottle eventually it bursts open. Obviously you don't have to feel obligied to open about your feelings as its your story and you can share as little or as much as you want. But sometimes talking can be a usual strategy even if its not verbal communication, it can be non-verbal through writing or coming on here too <3. Im always here if you need someone anytime.
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
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