Twixtmas Blues

sputnik

Hi folks,

Could do with venting a bit. Am struggling a little bit in this between-Christmas-and-New-Year period (as I'm sure many people are).
Feeling like next year I need to start trying to get out and be in the world more again, but I feel so hopeless when I think about it. All I can see is my mind’s eye are exhaustion and panic attacks. I feel like a failure. Like I'm trapped in a child's mind and can't grow up. I really want to have close, comfortable friendships and maybe even be in a relationship, but it seems so remote a possibility. I've been told again and again that if I face my anxiety and do the things that make me anxious, my brain will learn to feel safe, but for some reason that rarely seems to work for me. I've had panic attacks on buses over and over again until I couldn't face getting on a bus any more, and therefore lost a large part of what little independence I had (I can't drive, the idea of that terrifies me as well). Imagining being in a job always feels frightening and depressing, like I'd be trapped and have high expectations placed upon me that I can't meet. That and the unpredictability of my anxiety (sometimes I can cope, sometimes I fall apart, sometimes I can only cope for a short while) had made seeking work impossible so far. When I imagine what my life could be like if I could function in the world properly, it seems like the possibilities would be endless and exciting, and I frequently feel inspired for a while. Often I then have another bad experience and feel as though I can't face the world ever again. Expectations and demands feel so heavy that I can't carry them. I don't know how to take my fleeting feelings of ‘I want to feel like I'm living, I want to push forward and find what I need, I have potential’ etc and make that last.

AnonymousToe

Not really sure what to say but I get how limiting anxiety can be. There’s so much I wish I could do and now that I’m technically an adult it really shows that I can’t do anything lol. I can’t go out and get a job, learn to drive, etc. I struggle with the motivation to face my anxiety and to keep going with exposing myself to stuff. I don’t know if that’s what you’re referring to at the end there? I suppose it might help to make little goals for yourself. Rather than focusing on the whole new year maybe just try to focus on one month at a time? It’s not gonna be a totally linear process but that doesn’t make you a failure. About the bus thing, take it slowly. Think about what exactly it is that makes you most anxious. E.g. for me it would be talking to the bus driver, so first I’d start with getting on a bus with my mum and watching her do the talking just to get a feel for it, then having her nearby in case I panic etc. You can get your independence back, it just might take some time. Every time you face your fear like that, reward yourself in some way, and keep track of little successes. Even if it all went wrong, you still went out there and did it. I know this is all easier said than done, but I guess if you have a particular goal in mind then it might be easier to have the motivation? You can have a larger goal but I think small goals you’ll achieve relatively quickly might be a good way to go. That way you’ll notice your progress more.

Former Member

Hi @sputnik, thanks so much for sharing what's going on for you at the moment. You're right, this can be a really tough time of year for a lot of people so you're not alone in feeling this way. We're all here to support you through this

I hear you when you say that you want to have a full and happy life but you feel like your anxiety is holding you back and stopping you from doing the things you want to do. That sounds so frustrating and as an anxious person, I know how tough it can be. I just wanted to take a moment to celebrate how strong you are despite the setbacks you are facing. Despite all the anxious feelings you are still pushing forward and want the best for yourself - that's something you should feel really proud of as it's not easy. You are right to think that's it's possible to have meaningful relationships, to have a job and to move through the world in the way that you want to - you deserve all those things and you will get there, one step at a time

@AnonymousToe has some great advice about taking things slowly and then rewarding yourself for small wins - that's so helpful as it can stop you from feeling overwhelmed and allows you to recognise the progress you have made. Have you ever tried grounding techniques when you're feeling anxious? The Mix has a really useful article and video on this which might help when you are feeling anxious or panicked.

You might find it helpful to speak to your GP and get some support for your anxiety. Have you ever considered counselling? This can be a helpful way to work through your feelings and develop coping techniques. Schools, colleges and universities often have a free counselling service if you are a student. The Mix also offers up to eight sessions of free counselling, and you can sign up here.

There is also a useful article here on coping with panic attacks; it might help you to save this somewhere so you have it to hand when you need it: https://www.themix.org.uk/mental-health/stress/panic-attacks-5602.html

I hope this helps and keep talking here as it will help to remind you that you have a community who cares about you and will support you through this

JJLemon18

Hiya. This might be one of the most relatable posts I've seen on here in a long time. In fact I just made a rambly post of my own and only just realised how incredibly similar the topics are to yours.

I wish I could help, I wish the world was easier, at least for a little while to give you time to 'get your life together' so that it goes more smoothly from there. But I don't know how to help, and I don't think the world will get any easier anytime soon unfortunately. Just remember that you're not alone going through this

In terms of new year, I understand the hopeless feeling with how it feels like an entire year has passed and now you have to move on. But think of it this way; new year happens in a split second, and all it changes is the number on a calendar. Instead of worrying too much about it, take everything you have learnt, all your memories and experiences, the good moments, and leave all the worry and bad experiences behind. Kind of like a new start!

And I know you will still struggle, you will trip up more than once. But I believe you are resilient and with time you will overcome the anxiety. In the end, the anxiety is not going disappear by itself. So why waste time putting things aside because of worry? The other option is sitting at home and not getting anywhere. And the more you wait the worse it will get. So if youre looking for a sign, consider this one!

Oops wrong one...

Much better

So that is what I believe new years should be about. Making changes and moving forward while leaving all the bad stuff behind. How about you make a list, new year resolutions style, where you list all the things you wish to achieve (for example joining a netball club) and then as the year goes on you can look through it and slowly tick the things off the list. Maybe that way you could also see all the progress you're making?

Now is it much easier said than done? - Absolutely.
Am I being hypocritical? - Absolutely.
Are you alone in this? Absolutely not. I will be doing the same. Trying to open up more to people, trying to put myself out there more, overcoming my anxiety one small step at a time. And I believe you can do the same.

Believe in me - cause I believe in you

All the best and hope you have a lovely new year!

sputnik

Thanks so much for all your replies, I really appreciate it!

Hi @AnonymousToe , good point about the small steps thing, when I first read that I thought 'yeah but I've done that already' but then I thought 'yeah but have I though, really?' cos I've not done it in a kind of structured way, setting out and writing down specific goals and steps etc, so I'm gonna try doing that Cos everything feels overwhelming when you feel like you have nowhere to start. Many thanks

@HollyPearl , Thankyou that's really kind And thanks for the resources, will have a look at them. I do a few grounding techniques like breathing and tapping, and I've had many years of therapy but still struggle a lot. I'm thinking about trying Somatic Experiencing Therapy as my anxiety tends to bring on a sort of frozen feeling, and it's really hard to get myself to physically move around even though that's usually what helps.

Hi @JJLemon18 old pal, yes I was just thinking that too, quite similar threads XD Thankyou for all your kind words, it means a lot to me and it's really comforting to know I'm not alone. The signs made me laugh Love how you slipped the netball club in there as well haha I like your resolutions-style suggestions, good idea. Thankyou! I believe in you too, we can do this (btw will post on your thread tomorrow as I should have gone to bed hours ago oops) Happy New Year!

AnonymousToe

sputnik wrote: »

I'm thinking about trying Somatic Experiencing Therapy as my anxiety tends to bring on a sort of frozen feeling, and it's really hard to get myself to physically move around even though that's usually what helps.

Hi @sputnik , just wanted to say I relate to the above so much!! So often I just freeze and have to fight myself so hard to break through the anxiety enough to do anything. It’s almost impossible. Is there anything you’ve found that helps with it? What’s somatic experiencing therapy? Sorry for all the questions lol, I didn’t know that what I was experiencing was an actual thing.

sputnik

Hey @AnonymousToe I'm sorry you suffer from this too! You're absolutely not alone, it's much more common than you might think! Will answer your questions tomorrow as I should have gone to bed ages ago but just wanted to let you know I will respond soon!

sputnik

Hi @AnonymousToe , I'm back - are you familiar with the 4Fs? That's Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn. They're natural reactions to stressful situations, but if you've been traumatised then one or more of them can become a coping mechanism that your brain resorts to even when it's not useful and/or there's no real danger (you probably know this stuff already but just in case!). Freeze can be feeling paralyzed, indecisive, numb, helpless, tired, depressed, dissociated, and various other things. Your anxious energy needs an outlet, but it's sort of locked in by immobility. Even though, like you say, it's really hard to move your body when you feel that way, and your mind sort of shuts down and all you want to do is stay still, moving as much as you can is a really good way of getting out of that state, as it is a way of grounding yourself, releasing the anxiety and getting more in touch with your body.

Somatic Experiencing Therapy is (as far as I know), centred around movement and building awareness and connection with your body, (as when you're often in Freeze response you may feel very disconnected with your body in general), in order to build emotional wellbeing and resilience. I assume it involves some talking as well, but I don't know how much yet - I've had so much talking therapy in the past, and although it was helpful to some extent, I could never progress very far. I feel like this was partly because I was sitting still and very much stuck in my head, which just encourages my body to shut down, and that makes talking about anything or being vulnerable really difficult. My last therapist did incorporate some movement into her sessions as well as sand tray and other things, but I didn't make as much use of them as I could have done because of my subconscious urge to stay still and shut down rather than open up, if that makes sense. That's why I'm thinking about trying Somatic Experiencing Therapy

I did a quick search on Youtube and there's lots of videos about the Freeze response (and indeed, all 4Fs), how to help yourself move out of it, etc. I recommend a book by Pete Walker called Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving, whether you have CPTSD or not it's really informative about the 4Fs and the ways they can intertwine, etc.

Sorry this was so long, I hope it wasn't too much and that it helps in some way!

AnonymousToe

Thank you so much for all that @sputnik . I definitely don’t have PTSD, literally just social anxiety 😅😂. Thanks for the info