Hurtful comments from my brother and work issues

Creativeboy23

Hello.

I have been working as a bartender in the Christmas market. I have been feeling isolated and left behind as an autistic employee. The working environment does not accommodate my needs. I have spoken to higher-up management and was told it would be passed on to the managers, but they have not informed me that it has been shared with them. So, I have had to chase it up. It feels like I have been going back and forth. I understand it can be pretty hard for some workplaces to make adjustments, but employers are supposed to explain why some may not be reasonable. It has been promising, though, that I have been able to adapt. I have managed to work under pressure when taking and giving orders and shown great attention to detail, ensuring cups were stacked evenly. Still, it does not mean it is okay that they are not making adjustments and that I should not be upset about the situation.

I was having resentful thoughts about how my managers and an employee treated me.

Another situation got on top of my mood. My dad assumed I went to open a new drink when I took the opened drink. My brother asked if I was a woman and said I get upset over everything. He said I am a mardy person, my friends will drop me and asked me if I think a woman will want to stay with you if I get upset over everything. He said I will be ringing my mum in the future, and asked me what I would do when my mum is not here you are going to have to be independent to make me feel weak for asking for support as a man. He criticised me for masking my feelings from him and my dad when they made nasty comments to criticise my feelings. My dad said it was silly that I was upset which felt invalidating.

My brother’s comments have made me isolated, lose confidence in my interactions with these girls at my workplace and trust in the validity of my feelings. I know it is not true about what my brother said about my sensitivity. There will be some people out there who will appreciate me for who I am. As my sensitivity means caring about people's feelings, a woman would be attracted to that and that may draw her to have a relationship with me. It is possible my dad intended to be supportive when he told me that there was already an opened drink and that I projected past negative experiences with him into the situation but regardless it is valid to feel he jumped to conclusions. He could have been saying that there will be people who do not understand my sensitivity like himself but put it across bluntly but it does not make his comments okay.

Former Member

Regardless of what the motivation was, if someone's comments hurt you they hurt you . If they are ambiguous enough to be misread - which it seems like these remarks were - then your feelings are completely valid . Although getting over past negative experiences is something everyone should work on, it is also difficult to do something that should be understood by those around you

Lack of support for autistic people especially at work, is unfortunately nothing new . It's O.K to feel resentful, since you've done all you can trying to get said support, to no avail .

For myself it's a tough thing to navigate, do I keep fighting the good fight; asking for more support and carrying on with my job in the meantime, risking my mental health ? Or do I quit ? That would be best for my mental health, but in doing so am I enforcing the status quo ? Not sure what the answer is, but I do know you should let yourself feel your emotions regardless of what others say . You seem like a considerate person as well as a skilled employee . The idea that needing support negates these qualities, or makes you less of a man, is bogus and it's good that you recognise that .

Creativeboy23

Hello @slugchannel.

Well said. I agree.

Thanks for your support. It is much appreciated.

PetiteQuark

What your brother said wasn't nice at all, and he wasn't being very considerate towards your issues. Your feelings are valid, and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.

I get very irritated by loud noises sometimes (some doctors say that i might be neurodivergent because of that), what helps me is headphones, sometimes I listen to soft, slow piano music sometimes (im a fan of the pianist Erik Satie) , noise cancelling headphones are also quite helpful.

Its okay to get upset, we all get upset. And that's fine. I think its best to ignore what your brother said, because getting upset doesn't 'make you a woman' men can express emotions, and not all women express emotions easily. Anyone can be mardy or emotional, regardless of gender. And thats ok.

anna0012

Hello @Creativeboy23 you've done really well reaching out to us. Your feelings are valid, and I believe that a man able to express his feelings is a more honest, kinder and understanding human being altogether.

You are right, there will be people out there who will appreciate you for who you are. Lots of them!
And well done for stacking those cups evenly! It's not an easy task!
Sending you hugs

Creativeboy23

Hello @PetiteQuark.

I hope you have had a lovely Christmas.

I agree. That is true.

I know they are. I have been practising self-validation whenever I express my feelings.

Creativeboy23

Hello @anna0012 .

I hope you have had a lovely Christmas.

Thanks for a compliment. I will try to remember it, if I receive the hurtful comment again.

Definitely, yes.

Thanks. I know. I have done a great job.

Sending you hugs too .