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Little vent
JJLemon18
Community Champion Posts: 2,082 Boards Champion
Just a little vent from me. I feel utterly horrible. I'm neglecting everything; my health, my studies etc. My health feels almost ruined, I'm way too far behind with my studies, and theres so many things I need to do that im just not doing. I feel completely lost, so lost that I can never find my way again. It feels like there's no point even going on, my life feels ruined. But I will carry on, cause there is just no other way. But my brain cant handle it all, it's too much for me 
I'm stuck in an eternal loop of coping and crying internally. Stuck at the bottom of a well too deep to get out. Plus I'm drowning, and I can't swim...
I don't need any responses, I just wanted to get this out. And I didn't want to put it in the hug thread cause its a bit long for that I think.
Once again I ask - if anyone knows where I can find myself a time machine then I'd love to know, now is the perfect time for that
I'm stuck in an eternal loop of coping and crying internally. Stuck at the bottom of a well too deep to get out. Plus I'm drowning, and I can't swim...
I don't need any responses, I just wanted to get this out. And I didn't want to put it in the hug thread cause its a bit long for that I think.
Once again I ask - if anyone knows where I can find myself a time machine then I'd love to know, now is the perfect time for that
Believe in me - who believes in you
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Comments
I literally just came here to add some more to the post, give an update I guess.
It's so late already and I have so much work to be getting on with, but I'm still in bed and I cant get myself out
Sorry just another vent.
@Past User thank you, I really appreciate it
Yea, quite much.
Thank you so much for the advice. There's just this funny conundrum now, the first three advice points you make, I can't be motivated to do them... Like making a to-do list feels kind of pointless in a way, when I could spend that time working on the actual tasks instead. If that makes any sense at all? Or I'm just making excuses.
Also celebrating achievements is not gonna work for me at all, cause I do that all the time lol. Like when I want to buy myself something (and have the money) I just do it. Which I do see how that can be a problem now, when I 'reward' myself without a reason, then I feel less motivated to do stuff I guess.
My family knows I'm struggling, they just don't know the scale at which I'm struggling. I'm not telling them everything tho, they have enough problems already and giving them more to worry about is really not a good idea.
I don't have good friends who I could talk to about this. And the few people that I could, I don't know/speak to then enough to feel comfortable doing so. I don't want to be a bother.
And my tutor knows but just like my parents he doesn't know how bad it is. I would reach out to him but I'm just too terrified if he finds out I still done nothing for the module that he teaches me. Like why do I keep asking for support if I'm not doing anything about it myself.
That's about how it looks like.
I've experienced a similar feeling before, and this may or may not apply to you. But we tend to think of recovery or 'progress' as an upward trajectory - things get easier and better over time.
In reality I think the trajectory tends to be flatter. Recovery means understanding yourself, your needs, your life, confronting difficult truths and demons. And that's a hella difficult journey. It means a lot of feeling, a lot of reflecting, difficult conversations, and that can make things feel more painful than they did previously even when you're genuinely making progress.
I guess, think of it as a journey through rather than a journey up, and that journey might have snake pits or treacherous climbs and descents on the way.
Also, let's take a second to actually celebrate this:
That's awesome man. Like, can we get a hell yeah?!
You should be immensely proud of yourself JJ. I know that might not help with the overwhelm - I read the rest of your post and it sounds like you're facing a kind of escalating impossibility with things mounting up. That's a scary place to be, but we're right here in it with you.
Before i say something i want say Everyones story is different and Recovery is unique to everyone. The same goes for you and me, we would've both had different experiences.
But ive seen myself and my struggles alot in your posts this year. I wish you weren't struggling.
But it made me feel a little less alone this year.
Sometimes its frustrating when you relate so heavily to someone because you want to help , but you understand a little too well. Youre struggling too much to help yourself let alone them.
But I want you to know how much your posts and vents have helped me this year. As much as it hurts to see you in pain, seeing someone put things into words and reading that someone else understood made me feel a little less like a ghost wandering around alone.
Recovery is a weird thing.
One thing ive found weird is receiving alot of support and making progress but still struggling.
Ive started realising that staying the same or even slowing your decline is progress too. Its just virtually impossible to see that progress.
Imagine you're in a little wooden cart going down hill super fast. You figure out a way to add more grip to the wheels and it slows down. But it doesn't stop. Youre still going down hill.
Which is frustrating. And sometimes it doesn't feel like you're slowing down.
But you called out for help,maybe the things people have said are deep in your brain.and maybe all that information and all your hard work will slowly slip into place and youll find a way to make some breaks and stop your little cart from going down hill for a little while. And maybe one day youll find a way to start going up hill again.
Sometimes we don't feel the effects of the progress we're making for a while , so we continue to get worse for a little. And that is so frustrating. But we are so proud of you jj. And we are always here.
Dont stop venting for as long as it helps you. You're not hurting any one by letting this all out. In fact you may be helping people without realising it
Look after yourself awesome jj.
@Past User Thank you so much for the advice. Oh they absolutely do want to support me, but they really don't know how. So I'm really saving them the extra extra worry that they really dont need right now. But I do completely understand what you mean.
I will email my tutor some time during the holidays when I have the time, just to update him and stuff. There isn't much he can do now, and I think he will be off for the holidays so he won't help me then either. right now tho I have more important matters to worry about... like replying to you lot xD
@JustV HELL YEAH!!
Ooh could you say its like a slope? Where you need to first go down in order to gain enough momentum to go up? Kind of like a ski jump. Idk its the first thing that came to my mind.
I've not encountered any snake pits yet... should I be worried??
Thanks for the support man, I appreciate it!
@SpaceOtter Aww thats such a nice message, thank you so so much!! I'm totally not getting emotional right now haha 🥹
I could totally say the same! I know you havent posted much on the boards recently, but back when you used to make frequent posts, they always resonated me in ways I didn't think way possible. And not just you, so many people posting here could explain how I feel in ways I couldnt explain myself, sometimes even explaining things I didn't even know could be explained at all! So its really surprising to me that others feel the same way about my posts, positively of course. I'm really happy I could help, even in such a way
The wooden cart metaphor is lovely and makes a lot of sense! (I always loved your metaphors btw) Deceleration is still progress, even though it doesn't seem like it cause you're still going the 'wrong' way. Technically you are still 'accelerating' in the right direction even though you're travelling in the wrong direction. I never really thought of it this way.
Again thank you so so much for your lovely message and for replying
Happy Wednesday btw!
Sending you a super big hug,
Amy22
I’m glad to hear you have people around you who want to help even if they don’t know how to at the moment. I would imagine they definitely wouldn’t want you to think you’re adding any extra worry and if you do feel able to share I always finds talking to people really helps me. But there’s always this space to keep talking to in the meantime
Well done as well for planning to reach out to your tutor. I know that can sometimes be daunting! Do also keep us posted with how it goes with your tutor once you do hear back!
Pretty bad if imma be honest. My mind is in such a weird place. Today I again spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing and I hate it. Hoping I can finally motivate myself to do something productive tomorrow, probably the coursework that is already overdue...
Thanks for asking tho