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Little vent

JJLemon18JJLemon18 Posts: 2,024 Boards Champion
Just a little vent from me. I feel utterly horrible. I'm neglecting everything; my health, my studies etc. My health feels almost ruined, I'm way too far behind with my studies, and theres so many things I need to do that im just not doing. I feel completely lost, so lost that I can never find my way again. It feels like there's no point even going on, my life feels ruined. But I will carry on, cause there is just no other way. But my brain cant handle it all, it's too much for me :bawling:
I'm stuck in an eternal loop of coping and crying internally. Stuck at the bottom of a well too deep to get out. Plus I'm drowning, and I can't swim...

I don't need any responses, I just wanted to get this out. And I didn't want to put it in the hug thread cause its a bit long for that I think.

Once again I ask - if anyone knows where I can find myself a time machine then I'd love to know, now is the perfect time for that
Believe in me - who believes in you

Comments

  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 The Mix Regular
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  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Posts: 2,024 Boards Champion
    edited September 18
    Hi @Past User , thank you. I meant that I posted that not looking for any responses, but I'll still appreciate any I get :)

    I literally just came here to add some more to the post, give an update I guess.

    It's so late already and I have so much work to be getting on with, but I'm still in bed and I cant get myself out :s I feel almost paralysed with everything to the point where I get nothing done. I was hoping that I can feel a bit better after posting that vent, especially since it was late at night when I wrote it so my thoughts and worries were much stronger. But instead now I feel even worse.
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Believe in me - who believes in you
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 The Mix Regular
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  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Posts: 2,024 Boards Champion
    edited September 18
    Every day when I go to bed I always feel so depressed. No matter how much progress I've done, nor how much fun I had. I either get not enough things done, and I feel like crap. Or I get some things done but havent had enough time for myself, and I feel like crap. Every passing day just feels more and more dreadful. It's been almost a year since I've joined the mix, but it feels like it was yesterday. Time is really going by and its not waiting for me not one bit. This is the year I've done the most progress I've ever done in my life, my life feels completely different. Yet it also feels like the worst year of my life, like I barely made it through. Things are improving yet I'm at the lowest I've ever been... how is that?

    Sorry just another vent.


    @Past User thank you, I really appreciate it :)
    Past User wrote: »
    Would you say that you’re struggling to find the motivation to do anything right now?
    Yea, quite much.

    Thank you so much for the advice. There's just this funny conundrum now, the first three advice points you make, I can't be motivated to do them... Like making a to-do list feels kind of pointless in a way, when I could spend that time working on the actual tasks instead. If that makes any sense at all? Or I'm just making excuses.

    Also celebrating achievements is not gonna work for me at all, cause I do that all the time lol. Like when I want to buy myself something (and have the money) I just do it. Which I do see how that can be a problem now, when I 'reward' myself without a reason, then I feel less motivated to do stuff I guess.
    Past User wrote: »
    Have you shared this with anyone else? Friends, family, tutor ?
    My family knows I'm struggling, they just don't know the scale at which I'm struggling. I'm not telling them everything tho, they have enough problems already and giving them more to worry about is really not a good idea.
    I don't have good friends who I could talk to about this. And the few people that I could, I don't know/speak to then enough to feel comfortable doing so. I don't want to be a bother.
    And my tutor knows but just like my parents he doesn't know how bad it is. I would reach out to him but I'm just too terrified if he finds out I still done nothing for the module that he teaches me. Like why do I keep asking for support if I'm not doing anything about it myself.

    That's about how it looks like.
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Believe in me - who believes in you
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 The Mix Regular
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  • JustVJustV Posts: 5,466 Part of The Furniture
    edited September 18
    Some wise words from @Past User. I wanted to share my thoughts on this specifically:
    JJLemon18 wrote:
    This is the year I've done the most progress I've ever done in my life, my life feels completely different. Yet it also feels like the worst year of my life, like I barely made it through. Things are improving yet I'm at the lowest I've ever been... how is that?
    I've experienced a similar feeling before, and this may or may not apply to you. But we tend to think of recovery or 'progress' as an upward trajectory - things get easier and better over time.

    In reality I think the trajectory tends to be flatter. Recovery means understanding yourself, your needs, your life, confronting difficult truths and demons. And that's a hella difficult journey. It means a lot of feeling, a lot of reflecting, difficult conversations, and that can make things feel more painful than they did previously even when you're genuinely making progress.

    I guess, think of it as a journey through rather than a journey up, and that journey might have snake pits or treacherous climbs and descents on the way.

    Also, let's take a second to actually celebrate this:
    JJLemon18 wrote:
    This is the year I've done the most progress I've ever done in my life,
    That's awesome man. Like, can we get a hell yeah?! :bleep_bloop:

    You should be immensely proud of yourself JJ. I know that might not help with the overwhelm - I read the rest of your post and it sounds like you're facing a kind of escalating impossibility with things mounting up. That's a scary place to be, but we're right here in it with you.
    Post edited by TheMix on
    All behaviour is a need trying to be met.
    The truth resists simplicity.
  • SpaceOtterSpaceOtter Posts: 885 Part of The Mix Family
    Heya Jj, im sending lots of hugs.

    Before i say something i want say Everyones story is different and Recovery is unique to everyone. The same goes for you and me, we would've both had different experiences.

    But ive seen myself and my struggles alot in your posts this year. I wish you weren't struggling.
    But it made me feel a little less alone this year.

    Sometimes its frustrating when you relate so heavily to someone because you want to help ,  but you understand a little too well. Youre struggling too much to help yourself let alone them.

    But I want you to know how much your posts and vents have helped me this year. As much as it hurts to see you in pain, seeing someone put things into words and reading that someone else understood made me feel a little less like a ghost wandering around alone.


    Recovery is a weird thing.
    One thing ive found weird is receiving alot of support and making progress but still struggling.

    Ive started realising that staying the same or even slowing your decline is progress too. Its just virtually impossible to see that progress.

    Imagine you're in a little wooden cart going down hill super fast. You figure out a way to add more grip to the wheels and it slows down. But it doesn't stop.  Youre still going down hill.

    Which is frustrating. And sometimes it doesn't feel like you're slowing down.

    But you called out for help,maybe the things people have said are deep in your brain.and maybe all that information and all your hard work will slowly slip into place and youll find a way to make some breaks and stop your little cart from going down hill for a little while. And maybe one day youll find a way to start going up hill again.

    Sometimes we don't feel the effects of the progress we're making for a while  , so we continue to get worse for a little. And that is so frustrating. But we are so proud of you jj. And we are always here.

    Dont stop venting for as long as it helps you. You're not hurting any one by letting this all out. In fact you may be helping people without realising it

    Look after yourself awesome jj.
    You're awesome!
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Posts: 2,024 Boards Champion
    edited September 18
    Aww you guys are the best! :3 Joining this community is actually the biggest factor that has helped me improve, and learn more about myself as a person. Thank you all so so much for being here! <3


    @Past User Thank you so much for the advice.
    Past User wrote: »
    I understand.. but… consider the possibility that they want to support you, even if it means dealing with extra worries. You’d want to know if your family were struggling, right? The support from them might help you a lot. It’s something to consider 🤔?
    Oh they absolutely do want to support me, but they really don't know how. So I'm really saving them the extra extra worry that they really dont need right now. But I do completely understand what you mean.

    I will email my tutor some time during the holidays when I have the time, just to update him and stuff. There isn't much he can do now, and I think he will be off for the holidays so he won't help me then either. right now tho I have more important matters to worry about... like replying to you lot xD


    @JustV HELL YEAH!! :lol:

    Ooh could you say its like a slope? Where you need to first go down in order to gain enough momentum to go up? Kind of like a ski jump. Idk its the first thing that came to my mind.
    JustV wrote: »
    I guess, think of it as a journey through rather than a journey up, and that journey might have snake pits or treacherous climbs and descents on the way.
    I've not encountered any snake pits yet... should I be worried??

    Thanks for the support man, I appreciate it! :)


    @SpaceOtter Aww thats such a nice message, thank you so so much!! I'm totally not getting emotional right now haha 🥹
    But I want you to know how much your posts and vents have helped me this year. As much as it hurts to see you in pain, seeing someone put things into words and reading that someone else understood made me feel a little less like a ghost wandering around alone.
    I could totally say the same! I know you havent posted much on the boards recently, but back when you used to make frequent posts, they always resonated me in ways I didn't think way possible. And not just you, so many people posting here could explain how I feel in ways I couldnt explain myself, sometimes even explaining things I didn't even know could be explained at all! So its really surprising to me that others feel the same way about my posts, positively of course. I'm really happy I could help, even in such a way :3

    The wooden cart metaphor is lovely and makes a lot of sense! (I always loved your metaphors btw) Deceleration is still progress, even though it doesn't seem like it cause you're still going the 'wrong' way. Technically you are still 'accelerating' in the right direction even though you're travelling in the wrong direction. I never really thought of it this way.

    Again thank you so so much for your lovely message and for replying :)
    Happy Wednesday btw!
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Believe in me - who believes in you
  • Amy22Amy22 Posts: 4,593 The Mix Elder
    @JJLemon18 I can imagine how difficult and stressful that must be for you especially when you feel like giving up despite wanting to carry on. I think carrying on despite feeling the need to give everything up is a sign of bravery and strength. You may not think it but I think that its very brave of you to keep trying and continuing each day. It can be so so hard to stay motivated in times of feeling hopeless. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to allow ourselves to take a step back, think about our situation and have a break. Allowing ourselves a break from things can help us to reassess the situation we are in. I totally know how you feel, being in that continuous loop of hopelessness and sadness where you want out but feel the need to fight through continuous. Im alway's here if you need someone <3. (Sadly I wish I could lend you a time machine but I don't think a time machine may be coming soon. However, I can promise that things will start to get better soon in the long time. It may take some time but I know eventually things will start to improve slowly).

    Sending you a super big hug,

    Amy22 <3
    Just a person who likes pop culture and films
  • Past UserPast User Posts: 0 The Mix Regular
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  • EmLizEmLiz Posts: 50 Boards Initiate
    @JJLemon18 Thanks so much for this thread and being so open – I know how hard it can be to talk about challenging and stressful times. I’m glad the community has been a there for you over the past year. Sometimes progress is a good thing, but can feeling challenging in itself! How are you getting on today?

    I’m glad to hear you have people around you who want to help even if they don’t know how to at the moment. I would imagine they definitely wouldn’t want you to think you’re adding any extra worry and if you do feel able to share I always finds talking to people really helps me. But there’s always this space to keep talking to in the meantime <3

    Well done as well for planning to reach out to your tutor. I know that can sometimes be daunting! Do also keep us posted with how it goes with your tutor once you do hear back!
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Posts: 2,024 Boards Champion
    @EmmaLiz Thank you.
    EmmaLiz wrote: »
    How are you getting on today?
    Pretty bad if imma be honest. My mind is in such a weird place. Today I again spent the entire day doing absolutely nothing and I hate it. Hoping I can finally motivate myself to do something productive tomorrow, probably the coursework that is already overdue...
    Thanks for asking tho :)
    Believe in me - who believes in you
  • JJLemon18JJLemon18 Posts: 2,024 Boards Champion
    edited September 18
    @Past User I didn't mean to write a reply because I just didn't know what else to say. But this conversation hits a bit different after reading your post in the hug thread... I'm really really sorry to hear that <3 Always here for you if you need.
    Post edited by TheMix on
    Believe in me - who believes in you
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