Feeling left out and virginity

Creativeboy23

I caught up with some friends. One of the friends who is single again told my other friend that he lost his virginity when he was in a relationship. He gave him his congrats. He shared specifics from his encounter with him. The other friend had a conversation with my other friend about his recent and past relationship. The other friend’s girlfriend only asked my other friend if he has found someone yet. He touched my other friend’s face and said he looked handsome. So, I felt left out, and invisible. I also felt I was no longer important, jealous that all the attention was on him, and that most of the day was about his virginity. Of course, it is not true that I am unimportant. I have people that care about me. My friends waited with me until I got the bus. I am kind, sensitive, hardworking, creative and have a lovely smile and am passionate about design. There will be many people that would want to get to know me. It is understandable that my friend’s virginity was discussed most of the day because the other friend was happy for him and he must have been excited about it. They probably did not include me because I could not relate to their conversation or they may have thought I did not want to talk because I was focussed on the movie in the cinema and they did not want to disturb me or because I am a quiet person. I have been feeling terrible that I am the only one out of my friends that is still a virgin, but I understand that there will be many other young virgins out there and know that I am worth more than my status. I have been feeling isolated that my friends are able to be in relationships but I am restricted because of my dad making a comment about my sensitivity stopping me from having a relationship. My feelings still matter though regardless of alternatives to the situation.

Gemma

Hey @Creativeboy23, I just wanted to drop in to say that it was really lovely to hear your articulation of this situation and your recognition of your worth and what you bring into this world. It sounds like you're going through a mix of emotions, and it's completely normal to feel the way you do. It's important to recognise and validate your feelings as you have done, as they are valid and real. Feeling left out or invisible can be challenging, especially when it is with your friends and conversations revolve around topics that may not directly involve you.

It's also understandable that discussions about relationships and personal experiences might not be inclusive of everyone present. People often share experiences that are relevant to them at the moment, and it doesn't necessarily mean they are intentionally excluding you. Although maybe you could consider expressing your feelings to your friends. Your friends may not be aware of the impact their conversations had on you. They might be more than willing to include you or make an effort to be mindful next time.

Creativeboy23 wrote: »

Of course, it is not true that I am unimportant. I have people that care about me. My friends waited with me until I got the bus. I am kind, sensitive, hardworking, creative and have a lovely smile and am passionate about design. There will be many people that would want to get to know me.

^^This was so lovely to read and is so true! It's great that you have a positive self-awareness about your qualities and worth. Your kindness, sensitivity, hard work, creativity, and passion for design are valuable attributes. Remember that everyone's journey is different, and the timing of certain experiences, such as relationships and intimacy, varies for each of us. There is no right time.

It's really sad to hear that you feel restricted due to your dad's comment. I would say though, you have to make decisions based on your own comfort and readiness, rather than external pressures or comments. Remember that you are not alone in your experiences, and there are many people who value and appreciate you for who you are.

I've just moved your post into the S&R forum so that you can get the best support .

Former Member

Your friends were rightly celebrating one of them having recently reached a major milestone. They couldn't involve you in that because it'd be rubbing salt into the wound for you. Whilst you're rightly disappointed, frustrated etc. about your own lack of sexual success, you should be happy for him. I never told my friends I was a virgin during the years that I was. One of the reasons for that was to avoid conversations like the one you were recently part of.

The large majority of girls (of all levels of experience) have a strong preference for highly experienced lovers, so don't tell them that you're sexually inexperienced. It'd make it even more difficult for you to get anywhere with them. Sexually inexperienced lads are very often mistreated when they get into relationships, because his GF knows that she has power over him. She knows he's unappealing, with low self-esteem & few options. A Chad can get as many girls as he wants, whenever he wants, so he won't suffer being treated badly. A sexually inexperienced guy doesn't have those options, so he's more likely to suffer it. Also, she'll likely say that the way she's treating him is usual for a relationship & he can't know it's not because he doesn't have experience to know it's not.

Sex is great & important, but getting it once won't usually open the door to frequent sex. You could be waiting a long time before your second sex session. Sex often happens with little notice beforehand, so always carry a condom. You don't want to jump straight from being a virgin to being a father! I'm not going to claim anything like "you'll get sex when the time is right" or "Miss Perfect will arrive soon" because those claims are untrue. It's been the right time for me to have sex every day since I was 13, but I had to wait years & I've had sex with only about 1% of the girls I've been attracted to.

I see from your profile that you're a uni student. Many people claim that being at university is like being at an orgy; sex with a different girl every week. However, it's only like that for a lucky small minority of the male students. The top 10 or 20 percent get the large majority of the girls. Most single lads get little or no sex. Young people now have less sex than at any time during the last 50 years.

I empathise & sympathise with being in your situation, which millions of lads are in. It took me years of spending a great deal of time, money & effort to get sex. I've been friendzoned, rejected & been on many dates which were disappointingly sexless. I've long wanted to get sex whilst single, yet I had to get into relationships I didn't want in order to get sex. I wish I could transform into a Chad, but it can't happen.

Creativeboy23

Hello @David.

David wrote: »

Your friends were rightly celebrating one of them having recently reached a major milestone. They couldn't involve you in that because it'd be rubbing salt into the wound for you. Whilst you're rightly disappointed, frustrated etc. about your own lack of sexual success, you should be happy for him. I never told my friends I was a virgin during the years that I was.

^^ I never said I was disappointed and frustrated. I said I was left out, invisible, felt I was no longer important, all the attention was on him, and most of the day was about his virginity. Those are valid feelings to have. It does not mean I am not happy for him. It is a milestone that deserves celebration. Of course, I am happy. I feel I was painted as a bad friend. I doubt you intended for me feel like that. I am sure you just wanted to help but that was how I felt.

I know they could not involve me. I pointed that out when looking at the whole picture of the situation. I said they probably did not include me because I could not relate to their conversation.

Thanks for the tips and sharing some of your experience and for your help.

I am fine now though. My friends check in with me to see if I was okay.

Creativeboy23

Hello @Gemma.

Gemma wrote: »

Hey @Creativeboy23, I just wanted to drop in to say that it was really lovely to hear your articulation of this situation and your recognition of your worth and what you bring into this world. It sounds like you're going through a mix of emotions, and it's completely normal to feel the way you do. It's important to recognise and validate your feelings as you have done, as they are valid and real. Feeling left out or invisible can be challenging, especially when it is with your friends and conversations revolve around topics that may not directly involve you.

It's also understandable that discussions about relationships and personal experiences might not be inclusive of everyone present. People often share experiences that are relevant to them at the moment, and it doesn't necessarily mean they are intentionally excluding you. Although maybe you could consider expressing your feelings to your friends. Your friends may not be aware of the impact their conversations had on you. They might be more than willing to include you or make an effort to be mindful next time.

Creativeboy23 wrote: »

Of course, it is not true that I am unimportant. I have people that care about me. My friends waited with me until I got the bus. I am kind, sensitive, hardworking, creative and have a lovely smile and am passionate about design. There will be many people that would want to get to know me.

^^This was so lovely to read and is so true! It's great that you have a positive self-awareness about your qualities and worth. Your kindness, sensitivity, hard work, creativity, and passion for design are valuable attributes. Remember that everyone's journey is different, and the timing of certain experiences, such as relationships and intimacy, varies for each of us. There is no right time.

It's really sad to hear that you feel restricted due to your dad's comment. I would say though, you have to make decisions based on your own comfort and readiness, rather than external pressures or comments. Remember that you are not alone in your experiences, and there are many people who value and appreciate you for who you are.

I've just moved your post into the S&R forum so that you can get the best support .

Well said. That is true. Thanks for your help and moving my post into the S&R.

sputnik

Hi @Creativeboy23 ,

Glad you're OK and that your friends have been checking in with you, it's really hard to feel left out, whatever the reason

So, I felt left out, and invisible. I also felt I was no longer important, jealous that all the attention was on him, and that most of the day was about his virginity. Of course, it is not true that I am unimportant. I have people that care about me. My friends waited with me until I got the bus. I am kind, sensitive, hardworking, creative and have a lovely smile and am passionate about design. There will be many people that would want to get to know me. It is understandable that my friend’s virginity was discussed most of the day because the other friend was happy for him and he must have been excited about it. They probably did not include me because I could not relate to their conversation or they may have thought I did not want to talk because I was focussed on the movie in the cinema and they did not want to disturb me or because I am a quiet person.

Sounds like your reasoning skills are really good - I know it's hard to get yourself to believe there are other reasons for things when you may feel so strongly a certain way, but naming and acknowledging them like you did here is really useful And being able to identify your strengths is great!

Former Member

I assumed you to be disappointed & frustrated about the lack of sex in your life. I apologise if I'm wrong about that. I also apologise if you inferred that I was saying you're a bad friend; I didn't mean to suggest that.

Being left out of a conversation is commonplace in a group of friends, classmates, colleagues etc. It sounds like you have good friends, which is a significant social asset.

I have a low rate of sexual success, so I'm not in a good position to give you advice about how to become successful. If you know someone who is successful, ask him for advice. However, what works for him likely won't work for you - especially if he has major advantages over you, such as looks, height, athleticism, charisma, popularity, wealth, a high body count etc.

Creativeboy23

Hello @sputnik.

It was sure was difficult.

I agree. I have developed the skills from therapy.

Creativeboy23

Hello @David.

It is fine. It was miscommunication and I doubt you intended those things. I just expressed how I felt and I misinterpreted what you said.

Well said.